Stephen, Author at BDD SUCKS

HOW DO WE LET GO?

December 24, 2013 By Stephen

One of the hardest things to let go of is the way we want things to be.

We have fantasies of how our lives could be like, what we could be like as people, what other people should be like, what the world should be like.

These are fantasies, but we rarely recognize them as such. And so it’s hard to let them go, because we want them so.

SO HOW DO WE LET GO

Realize that reality, as it is, is amazing. Look around, and see things as they are, and appreciate the beauty of it all, as messy as it might be. Be grateful you can experience it. That includes everyone around you, as they are. That includes you, as you are.
Realize that when you’re frustrated, stressed, angry, or disappointed, you are holding onto a fantasy. Think about what it is.
Let them go. Breathe, and release. Smile, and be grateful for what is. Learn to love yourself, others, and all that’s around, as it is right now, without fantasies, without wishing things were different.

If someone else is acting a certain way, is that good or bad? It’s only bad if we wished they would act differently. So tell yourself, “She’s acting exactly as she should, given who she is and her circumstances. She’s doing the best she can. She’s learning, as we all are.”

Well, all of a sudden, you can smile and have compassion for her. You can help ease her pain, or listen to her, or give her space. You can figure out how to act compassionately, and do what you need to do, without getting worked up because she’s not acting the way you wished she would.

All the world becomes OK once you decide it’s OK. When you start wishing it were different, recognize this, and let that wish go. And then say, “It’s OK as it is.”

Life is For The Living So Live It (Or Your Better off Dead)

December 22, 2013 By Stephen

Maybe you already know this so quite possibly this is not such a big deal.

But depression is just fear and anger and sadness all wrapped up in a bundle of hopelessness.

I believe it has a lot to do with the feeling (or belief) that tomorrow will be just as bad as today, and then there is no end in sight.

And when nothing really matters, when we lose the basic premise of living we give up, and this is a sad state of affairs.

Testing Theories

Last night I decided to test a theory. And it isn’t some breakthrough theory, most of you will be thinking well of course… duh. But it happened at home the other day as I was relaxing and reading a book called “[easyazon_link asin=”1401940838″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” tag=”4hourlife00-20″ add_to_cart=”default” cloaking=”default” localization=”default” nofollow=”default” popups=”default”]Second Firsts[/easyazon_link]”.

The book is about loss and how to move beyond grief and begin a “second first”… i.e “starting over”.

We have all experienced loss in some sense of the word and when I saw the author interviewed on the good life project I figured the book may be able to give me some insight into how to overcome my BDD.

Really, when I am in my funks, when I am doing my mirror checking, when I am hating on myself this is usually attached to a sense of grief and/or loss. This loss is rooted in a belief that I had something before (in this case before my new facial scar) that is now gone forever.

And when this imperfection arose it stole my life, and then took with it my ability to be happy.

You will find this when you lose a loved one, a pet, a spouse, a child or even through sickness, disease, accidents. They all share something in common. That once lost life is different, that things have changed.

I RESIST CHANGE

I like to believe (insanely so) that life exists in my bubble, a bubble I perceive to be perfect just the way it is. I have troubles letting go and accepting that all things change. This is a principle I have been working on.

Anyway to get to my point.

My wife coerced me to go out last night to a Christmas party. You may or may not believe it when I tell you I have been avoiding this group of friends for almost the entire year, ever since I got my scar.

Why I have done this in all actuality is completely irrational.

To believe that these kind and generous people would not want to be around me because of a minor imperfection on my face is ridiculous. But to me it is damn real, and the fear that this inspires in me is at times unbearable. But last night I had no choice.

Sadly, I had worried all week about this party. And then something happened.

I was reading in [easyazon_link asin=”1401940838″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” tag=”4hourlife00-20″ add_to_cart=”default” cloaking=”default” localization=”default” nofollow=”default” popups=”default”]Second Firsts[/easyazon_link] about how basically if we have a preconceived notion about how something is going to turn out and don’t test it the only thought that we can have is the negative outcome. But if we test it then we have that outcome, the “real” outcome that we can compare this to.

Surprisingly, much of my BDD may actually come from this testing. When I was a kid I remember my mom buying me this Yankees baseball cap that was I guess uncool. I wore it to school and everyone teased me. I never wanted to wear a hat again.

I bought a secret Santa gift for a co-worker 8 years ago that was (I kid you not) light instead of dark chocolate and this coworker made me feel so bad that I have never participated in a secret Santa exchange again.

Small things make me lose my confidence easily. I think I have a strong desire to please people. And it is out of fear of disapproval that I change my behaviors. Often (if not always) at my loss.

MOVING FORWARD

So I went to the party last night and all the guys gave me a bad time for disappearing for 1 year. Of course they have no idea why I have been MIA.

As I said these are good guys, friendly kind and warm people.

We had a few beers, laughed played with our kids, caught up and guess what not one person said a damn thing about my scar.

I practiced what I had mentioned in a previous post about my bad “loops” think about the other person, and stop letting my mind circle back to me, my face and my image concerns. And I did this fairly well.

When the thoughts would come I would either a) sip the beer or, b) and more commonly let the feeling pass out of me and then focus again on the other person… Paying close attention to what was going on in their life.

UPS AND DOWNS

I am by no means cured after one dinner party. But it is one comparison I can throw into the win column.

This Christmas we have family coming from overseas, people I haven’t seen in quite some tim,e and of course all I can think about is their reaction to my facial scar.

So f’d up… But this is the way it is. So my goal is to have a couple more wins.

The chance for loss is still there and it scares the hell out of me. Scares me to the point of fear, self-loathing and yes the kind of depression I opened this blog post talking about.

But I have a choice I guess, I can live in fear or I can move on.

One steals my most precious asset… time. The other is the choice of experiencing life.

As the band Passenger says so well:

“Don’t you cry for the lost
Smile for the living
Get what you need and give what you’re given
Life’s for the living so live it
Or you’re better of dead”

Grief, Fear, Anger, Resentment, Depression, BDD – Is There Something Good in it?

December 20, 2013 By Stephen

What Appears to be a Problem is not Always a Problem.

It is an invitation to explore new positive possibilities.

What seems impossible is not entirely impossible. It is
challenging you to look at the situation from a different
perspective.

The obstacles that block you are also doing you a favor.
They are guiding you to become more creative, more
innovative, more determined and purposeful.

Each negative thing has a positive element. That’s because
you have the amazing ability to learn, to adapt, to create
and to transform life according to your unique, positive
vision.

There’s really no need to worry about what might or might
not come. For no matter what may come, there’s a way for you
to create more goodness and richness from it.

Enthusiastically embrace each moment with open arms.

There’s something good in it, waiting for you to bring it to life.

You Can Give Birth to Your Wings While You Are Learning to Fly

December 19, 2013 By Stephen

Take The Leap

When it comes to the raw fear that paralyzes the heart and could stop a person from taking action, what’s important to know is that leaping regardless of fear is a choice you can make every day.

Because of this, the part of you that is led by grief finally will surrender to your determination to live again and to experience joy.

These experiences will give your brain another basis for comparison. It will no longer have just fear to compare things to.

Your successes will give your brain proof that stepping out of your protective shell may not be all bad.

And you can give birth to your wings while you are learning to fly!

MY BDD LOOPS – The Processes That Make My Life Suck

December 17, 2013 By Stephen

Tonight I have decided to sit down and take a good look at my triggers and unhealthy habit loops.

I might discuss alternative options to these habit loop in more detail later, but for now I will use this as an opportunity for self reflection.

I would encourage you to do the same.

What are you BDD triggers?
What do your unhealthy habit loops look like?
What alternative “habit loops” can you think of?

MY TRIGGERS

Mirrors
Windows
People (Social Interaction)
Face Touching
Overhead Lighting

MY HABIT “LOOPS”

MY SOCIAL INTERACTION LOOP

Meet person → think about my scar → talk with person → scan there eyes to see if their gaze is on my scar → think about my scar → do they see it? I think so → think about my scar → maybe they do see it → anxiety → think about my scar → realize the person doesn’t care about my scar → think about my scar → become uncomfortable → think about my scar → feel anxiety and try to end discomfort → think about my scar → cut the interaction short → feel like crap → blame my scar → continue behaviors of avoiding → feel less anxiety → blame my scar → scar begins to define me → social isolation, poor relationships → less anxiety → reward is less anxiety consequence → lost interactions → social isolation → sadness → depression → self hate → suicidal thoughts → dead on inside if not out.

Some possible options:

Option 1: Avoid social interaction

Horrible and self defeating option

Option 2: Change thinking to take the focus off myself

Meet the person → think about the person → listen to the person → send love to the person → person feels understood → enjoys my company → new friend → new interaction → I feel better → make their day better → chance for growth and connection.

MY MIRROR LOOP

See a mirror → try to avoid the mirror → give into the mirror → see my scar → try to get a closer look → see if it looks bad in this current light → no → try to make it look bad → I am always able to → feel bad → look closer → looks worse → feel depressed → angry → sad → hopeless → try to shake feelings → can’t → night is ruined.

Some possible options:

Option 1: Avoid Mirrors (beginning step)

When washing hands don’ t look up into mirror.

When shopping for clothes don’t try clothes on in store.

Option 2: Avoid close up mirror checking

See the whole picture and avoid eye contact with the perceived (or real) defect

MY WINDOW LOOP

On a run, walk, getting in the car → see a car window, store window, look into my phone → look for my scar → see deep crevices of scar (always bad in windows with natural light) → feel sad → helpless → angry → disgusted → afraid → unlovable.

MY SCAR TOUCHING LOOP

Touch my scar → feel its contour and depth → feel disgusted → push on it → try to make myself feel better → is it deep? → always the answer is yes → feel bad → self hate → disgust → need mirror check → may take a photo of it → feel even more sick → disgusted → anxious → self hate → self torment.

Some possible options:

Option 1:

Don’t touch my scar.

CAMERA LOOPS

Take a picture → look for the scar → don’t see the scare → feel good → look harder → see the scar → feel horrible → self hate → anxiety → fear.

Some possible options:

Option 1: Avoid all pictures

bad option

Option 2: Avoid focusing on my scar

very hard to do

Option 3: Accept that I am moore than my scar

Impossible?

One thing that is apparent from this exercise, each of these triggers sets off a process that ends in self hate, anxiety, fear and disgust. And then oddly a desire to repeat the steps.

So the question is why would I voluntarily engage in any of these activities? Some of these are part of life, like mirrors and social interactions. What are my options?

The best option is always to accept that I am more than my perceived (or real) defect and to find the beauty in it.

Can I ever get there?