Fear Archives - BDD SUCKS

Grief, Fear, Anger, Resentment, Depression, BDD – Is There Something Good in it?

December 20, 2013 By Stephen

What Appears to be a Problem is not Always a Problem.

It is an invitation to explore new positive possibilities.

What seems impossible is not entirely impossible. It is
challenging you to look at the situation from a different
perspective.

The obstacles that block you are also doing you a favor.
They are guiding you to become more creative, more
innovative, more determined and purposeful.

Each negative thing has a positive element. That’s because
you have the amazing ability to learn, to adapt, to create
and to transform life according to your unique, positive
vision.

There’s really no need to worry about what might or might
not come. For no matter what may come, there’s a way for you
to create more goodness and richness from it.

Enthusiastically embrace each moment with open arms.

There’s something good in it, waiting for you to bring it to life.

You Can Give Birth to Your Wings While You Are Learning to Fly

December 19, 2013 By Stephen

Take The Leap

When it comes to the raw fear that paralyzes the heart and could stop a person from taking action, what’s important to know is that leaping regardless of fear is a choice you can make every day.

Because of this, the part of you that is led by grief finally will surrender to your determination to live again and to experience joy.

These experiences will give your brain another basis for comparison. It will no longer have just fear to compare things to.

Your successes will give your brain proof that stepping out of your protective shell may not be all bad.

And you can give birth to your wings while you are learning to fly!

Grief and Fear – The Backbone of BDD – Change and the Malleable Brain

December 16, 2013 By Stephen

No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. – C.S Lewis, [easyazon_link asin=”0060652381″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” tag=”4hourlife00-20″ add_to_cart=”no” cloaking=”default” localization=”default” nofollow=”default” popups=”default”]A Grief Observed[/easyazon_link]

My huge stumbling block is that I am not too sad to try again, but that I am too afraid to try again. It is fear, not sadness that is holding me back.

I have to make the decision to either start living again or to grieve forever, to fear forever.

In the moment we recognize it is fear, we are released to move forward.

I have been confusing the emotions related to mourning with the “what if’s and the why’s that are related to anticipation of the future.

BECAUSE MY BRAIN WANTS TO BE SAFE

My head is filling me with negative beliefs about who I am, what I can accomplish, and how the world will respond to me.

My thoughts are telling me that my present moment grief will extend foreword forever, and that I should therefore fear the future as an unpleasant and unhappy experience.

NOTHING ABOUT THESE IDEAS ARE REAL

Reading C.S Lewis quote at the beginning connected the dots… “what about my thought patterns is not in line with my current state of being?”

THE MALLEABILITY OF THE BRAIN

Neuroplasticity explains that when we experience something, neurons in the brain make connections between one another, and these connections tell our mind and body how to react to the world around us.

These connections are called neural pathways, or brain maps, and the more we use them, the more ingrained they become.

And the more ingrained they become, the more likely we are to react in the same way.

OUR NEURAL PATHWAYS CAN BE CHANGED

But our neural pathways can be changed so we can experience the world in new ways.

We can create new habits and behaviors by working consciously to rewire our brains.

By setting the right environment to push ourselves out of these well-worn neural pathways and onto a new landscape.

A NEW LANDSCAPE

My brain is focusing on grief and fear instead of on life.

Repetitive grief thoughts have created a map of grief and fear inside my brain.

Whenever I think about my facial defect I am reinforcing those neural pathways and contributing to my own suffering by making my default grief.

If I can focus my attention away from these negative thoughts, and negative behaviors (like mirror checking, avoiding social gatherings, overhead light etc. etc.) and toward positive behaviors (attending social gatherings, joining new groups, going to church, avoiding staring at or feeling my scar), then I can actually change my own neural pathways.

In other words:

I can contribute to my own relief from suffering by breaking this habit of grief.

CHANGING CORE BELIEFS

I know these thoughts are not serving me, I know I need to alter my thinking if I want to create the life I would love leading.

I don’t know what that life will look like, but I do know that I want to become happy again.

I want the unbearable pain I am feeling to quiet down, I want to escape the feeling of misery and sadness which fills a large part of my days.

Even in the midst of BDD I am in charge of my life.

I have the freedom to choose.

It is time to make changes.

To take my fear addled brain and reshape it!

– Stephen

[easyazon_block add_to_cart=”no” align=”center” asin=”0060652381″ cloaking=”default” layout=”top” localization=”default” locale=”US” nofollow=”default” new_window=”default” tag=”4hourlife00-20″]A Grief Observed[/easyazon_block]

10 Months After my Facial Scar – Falling Back Into Old BDD Habits

May 2, 2013 By Stephen

Sometimes I just can’t believe it happened: The scar, the injury, the entire incident.

It doesn’t seem fair, but then again, life often isn’t. And we just have to accept these things as they are.

ON THE ROAD

I am away from home, on the road, in a hotel room. Alone with mirrors and overhead lights. I am around those looking to network, and I am again ashamed, disgusted with myself and wishing to crawl into a hole.

How long can I exist like this? I have to ask myself, because it seems already it has been and insufferable amount of time.

I have been researching scar revision surgery and have decided it is ultimately my best option. And, for this I had to consult with my wife, she just nods and is accepting. But this doesn’t help me decide if my desires for scar revision are based on the scar, or my perception of it.

And this is where BDD seems to have me. The inability to separate my truth from reality, and the awareness of this kills me. I just don’t know if this is vanity or not.

I scan everyone I see trying to find some type of imperfections in their face. I see none, but every-time I enter a bathroom with that overhead light I have to duck, and hide from the mirror. I have to dodge the glances of other peoples eyes, I have to hide here in my hotel room.

THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE

I have tried SSRI’s and this made matters worse. It is time to seek counsel I presume, maybe I will do this as part of my workup to surgery. My greatest fear is that the surgery will not provide me with the results I desire, and from that point I don’t know where or how to proceed.

I can tell you one thing, I hope never again to feel suicidal, although I can feel those thoughts pouring back in. But my defenses are up, and it seems that I am a lot better at blocking them.

SOCIAL OBLIGATIONS

I am visiting a good friend this weekend, one I haven’t seen in over a year. To top it off his entire family is going to be there. Baby steps I tell myself, it will be OK.

What is it I am so afraid of anyway? This is the other part of BDD, a lot of poor self esteem all wrapped up in a package. Why do I care about this gross imperfection? It is just part of me, it is not my fault… Although I don’t think I accept that as a truth.

STAR STRUCK

I was watching the news this morning and there was Lindsay Lohan. She was headed back into rehab. Then they cut to a newsflash that the original singer Chris Kelly from the kids R&B band Kris Kross had died of a drug overdose at the age of 34, he had performed on tour with another BDD sufferer Michael Jackson. Then my thoughts wen’t down the row of dead superstars who seemed to have all the good things in life.

What is wrong here? Something is wrong here, and I wonder if it affects me.

BAD HABITS

I started smoking again when I am away from home. This just makes me feel even more like shit, but there you have it, a self destructive behavior on top of a layer of self hatred. Fuck me!

I am at a medical conference but I stared in the mirror and decided to spend the last two hours in my hotel room. I am thinking of catching a movie and then going out to dinner. I am supposed to meet up with a colleague and his wife tomorrow for dinner, I hope I can get my nerve up.

TESTING MY “BDD” THEORIES

Every time I have tested my theories that my face sucks and nobody would want to hang out with me, or love me, or make love to me.. I have been proven wrong.

My wife doesn’t even seem to notice and my friends have not abandoned me. Hell they seem to not even notice. My parents are the same. People notice, and sometimes they even make a comment about my scar, but it is rare. My patients never say a thing, Maybe it is just a kind world I think, or maybe, just maybe some of this is in my mind.

Or maybe it doesn’t matter, it is just an external thing, and people have their own worries, which usually do not involve my face.

The Caveman – Hidden levels of discontent (a Poem by Stephen)

November 30, 2012 By Stephen

Locking myself away, hoping for the world to quiet down.

Hoping for a new body, or a new mind, or preferably both.

The days blend into the doldrums of a windless ocean

It is here I sit

Looking for some degree of change.

Mostly I just want to be left alone, yet in today’s world this is an impossibility.

Surrounded by the motion of people spinning circles. We are all looking for meaning.

I know where happiness exists, I just don’t exist in it.

And from behind this window of discontent I sit and rot.

A mind wasting away, typing hear on this plastic keyboard.

I am sick of people, honestly I just want to be alone.

Yet in this feminine world, where social is the only “true” path to enlightenment. Quiet solitude is not allowed.

In the hills where I chose to run, there is no hiding.

Dirt, trees, the smell of fresh air, hidden from a job, from time from the responsibilities that are nothing but dead useless weight.

And then there is this face, this ugly disgusting hideous face.

It doesn’t deserve to be happy, it deserves only to be locked away.

Here the monster can not be unleashed, here my wife doesn’t have to touch it. Or see it.

Probably here, everyone is happy.

In the Cave, below the many hidden levels of discontent.