No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. – C.S Lewis, A Grief Observed
My huge stumbling block is that I am not too sad to try again, but that I am too afraid to try again. It is fear, not sadness that is holding me back.
I have to make the decision to either start living again or to grieve forever, to fear forever.
In the moment we recognize it is fear, we are released to move forward.
I have been confusing the emotions related to mourning with the “what if’s and the why’s that are related to anticipation of the future.
BECAUSE MY BRAIN WANTS TO BE SAFE
My head is filling me with negative beliefs about who I am, what I can accomplish, and how the world will respond to me.
My thoughts are telling me that my present moment grief will extend forward forever, and that I should therefore fear the future as an unpleasant and unhappy experience.
NOTHING ABOUT THESE IDEAS IS REAL
Reading C.S Lewis quote at the beginning connected the dots… “what about my thought patterns is not in line with my current state of being?”
THE MALLEABILITY OF THE BRAIN
Neuroplasticity explains that when we experience something, neurons in the brain make connections between one another, and these connections tell our mind and body how to react to the world around us.
These connections are called neural pathways, or brain maps, and the more we use them, the more ingrained they become.
And the more ingrained they become, the more likely we are to react in the same way.
OUR NEURAL PATHWAYS CAN BE CHANGED
But our neural pathways can be changed so we can experience the world in new ways.
We can create new habits and behaviors by working consciously to rewire our brains.
By setting the right environment to push ourselves out of these well-worn neural pathways and onto a new landscape.
A NEW LANDSCAPE
My brain is focusing on grief and fear instead of on life.
Repetitive grief thoughts have created a map of grief and fear inside my brain.
Whenever I think about my facial defect I am reinforcing those neural pathways and contributing to my own suffering by making my default grief.
If I can focus my attention away from these negative thoughts, and negative behaviors (like mirror checking, avoiding social gatherings, overhead light etc. etc.) and toward positive behaviors (attending social gatherings, joining new groups, going to church, avoiding staring at or feeling my scar), then I can actually change my own neural pathways.
In other words:
I can contribute to my own relief from suffering by breaking this habit of grief.
CHANGING CORE BELIEFS
I know these thoughts are not serving me, I know I need to alter my thinking if I want to create the life I would love leading.
I don’t know what that life will look like, but I do know that I want to become happy again.
I want the unbearable pain I am feeling to quiet down, I want to escape the feeling of misery and sadness which fills a large part of my days.
Even in the midst of BDD I am in charge of my life.
I have the freedom to choose.
It is time to make changes.
To take my fear-addled brain and reshape it!
– Stephen
