I can’t seem to stop myself, last night I woke up at 3 am and turned on the bathroom light.
This is an activity assured to bring great distress.
But I did it anyway even though I knew deep down I shouldn’t have.
There it was, the scar. It looked horrible at this time of night. With the hard overhead light it further revealed all the details, and I picked up on each of them.
Yesterday at work a colleague (a surgeon) couldn’t help himself from commenting on my new scar.
I don’t blame him. I think doctors are just this way, especially surgeons.
Many of us in the health care field are perfectionists.
And when my colleagues comment on my scar it is not because they want to hurt me, but their super-analysis always does.
Last night was no different. I was doing fine before his comments and analysis. Afterwards all I could do was eye the cars in the other lane on my drive home. With a blank stare, I felt rather hopeless.
The Power of Talk
Thank God I have my wife, who was there to listen to me debrief upon returning home.
I can’t imagine not having her there, and if I didn’t have somebody to talk to about this I don’t know where I would be.
But expressing my concerns to her makes me feel like a million bucks (OK not a million but at least better).
Even after last night’s 3 am mirror check and that sinking feeling of hopelessness that followed, this morning when I awoke, I felt much more positive.
When You Can’t Hide
All I really want to do is hide for a couple of weeks and see if my scar will get better, lose some color and I can devise a plan to deal with it. In reality I just want laser surgery, which may or may not be a good idea, but I have to wait at least a year. For me and my BDD this seems an eternity. I am trying to devise a plan to make it through this year.
I have to be a good dad and husband, and I have to be there for my patients.
To top it off I am headed out tomorrow on a trip to Haiti to provide free health care.
Hard to believe this is what I am thinking about as I near my trip, the way people will look at my face. Meeting the team and a good friend I have not seen for 7 years, with this scar and my face petrifies me.
But I can’t hide. I just can’t, although really this is what I want the most.
