BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Before You Pull The Trigger – Try Putting the Gun Away

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Trigger: A small device that releases a spring or catch and so sets off a mechanism, esp. in order to fire a gun.

Pull-The-Trigger

I had to pull down the mirror in our bathroom last night.

That is truly a sad state of affairs. But I did this in an effort to remove my TRIGGERS:  Those things in my life that hold me back, that ruin my day, that work against me.

HOW TO FIND YOUR TRIGGERS

Finding triggers for BDD is simple. All you have to do is think about the times where you give into your obsessive and hateful self talk and then identify what you were doing right before that moment.

For me, my triggers are:

  1. In the car (I tend to look in the rear view mirror and check my scar)
  2. In car windows: I can see the atrophic nature of my scar even worse here, it is one of the most abusive acts I do to myself. But I still can’t stop.
  3. In other reflective surfaces such as laptops and cellphones: Just like car windows this reflective surface tends to over-accentuate my scar.
  4. In areas of commerce: I can’t go clothes shopping, because the overhead lights in combination with mirrors is the worst.
  5. Close up photos: Eek! I always focus on my facial defect.

The majority of my unhappiness with myself comes from ideals and expectations that are built upon fantasies. And I am aware of this. Yet the above triggers are aspects of the world I would be better without. But as you already know, this is usually an impossibility.

REMOVING TRIGGERS

As I mentioned, last night I took down our bathroom mirror. This involved a power driver and some precision. As I lifted it away and put it into storage I took one last hateful stare at myself. Took a deep breath, and let it go.

It felt good to put away that hateful mirror. It was like punching a bully in the face, and then sending him out to pasture.

My wife woke up the next morning with an empty wall, and my kids asked where the mirror had gone. I told my wife the truth, I haven’t told my kids anything.

IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT PEOPLE THINK

Framing-My-Self-Image

I tell my kids that it is not their job in life to gain the approval of others.

That they need to develop a strong identity, and self worth. One that is not based on the opinions of others, but grounded in the fact that they are unique, beautiful and perfect the way they are.

And here I sit.

It is a dichotomy that fails to cure. With BDD I can clearly understand the nature of contentment, yet I am unable to find a place for it in my own life.

YOU CAN’T CONTROL THE WORLD

Guess what, I can’t remove all the worlds mirrors, just as I can’t break all the windows in my car (although sometimes I want to).

And this may be where Body Dysmorphic Disorder is like an addiction.

If you are an alcoholic, you can stop drinking, but you can’t remove all the alcohol in the world. If you are a smoker, you can stop smoking but there will always be cigarettes.  If you are addicted to internet porn, you can stop frequenting your favorite adult websites, but there will always be another popup.

So removing triggers is not always a viable solution. But I do believe it can help.

I told my wife that my goal is to bring the mirror back.  And that may be a defining moment in my life. In fact now I am using it as a goal.

To bring the mirror back, to stare my “bully” in the eye and say fuck you, I love myself!

Best,

Stephen

DISQUIETING

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Forceful Feelings [1]

I can feel it on my face. The deep, open crevice of  my scar.

I can feel it stretching, tugging, retching.

For the first several months after the injury I attributed this to the process of healing and the formation of new cartilage. But now I know it is in my mind.

How do I know this?

Because I feel it at times when I am my most vulnerable, when I am my most self conscious.  Otherwise it is just there not bothering anyone.

We have been on vacation as a family for the 4th of July weekend. And here at the resort I have had a break from my scar.

I woke up twice this week and the thought didn’t even cross my mind, I just woke up, threw on a hat and interacted with the world.

And you know what? No one was horrified.

It wasn’t until I returned back to our room that I realized I had forgotten about my scar.

For the first time I didn’t notice peoples eyes gravitating towards it, for the first time I had a conversation without thinking about it.

SO HOW THE HELL DO I GET RID OF IT?

Disqueting

The thing that upsets me most about BDD is that no matter how much I know that it is in my mind, I cannot escape it.

Especially when I can actually feel it.

I was having a nice conversation at a nearby winery with my wife and a couple who was visiting the states from the Netherlands. It was at this point in time I could feel my scar, it started when I took my hat off, when I knew that my facial defect would catch the overhead lights. It is like a trigger for me.

And I could feel it tugging at me, I could feel all my self hate and all the emotion pouring into the scar. And it sat there like a curse on me. My thoughts wondered, I dodged the light and I scanned the faces of those around me. “Great” I thought, “they don’t seem to notice I must be OK.” So I reached for some more wine.

I am drinking it now as I write this, and alone, here in the hotel room I feel the relief that wine and seclusion can give me. A moment of calm… Disquieting.

THE GREAT ESCAPE

Solitude On Indigo Lake

Here on vacation, here at the lake life is slow. The days are hot, we just relax and take it all in.

I have had time to let my mind relax as well, to give all my attention to my family, where it belongs.

I wonder why my family still loves me with this scar, but I am ever more thankful. I am thankful for my wife’s love and my children’s hugs and kisses. I think about those who suffer from BDD who may lack this family support, and I worry about them.

Note: If this is you, please know that I love you, I hear your pain through these pages, and please know that there is healing for us, we will do this together.

I am thankful for these mornings when I wake up without the concerns that weigh me down constantly. It give me hope that somewhere in this mess there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

One where I will wake up and not judge myself so harshly.

One where I can live in the hearts and minds of others and away from the prison that is my mind, the gruesome tug of body dysmorphic disorder.

Location of Perceived Defects in Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

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Studies, illustrates that BDD can strike virtually anywhere. The skin, hair, and nose are most often disliked. It’s likely that people underreport worries about certain body areas—for example, breasts and genitals—because they’re embarrassed, and that the true percentages for such areas are higher than those listed here.

Body Part Percent (%) of Patients with Concern
Skin
Hair
Nose
Weight
Stomach
Breast/chest/nipples
Eyes
Thighs
Teeth
Legs (overall)
Body build/bone structure
Ugly face (general)
Face size/shape
Lips
Buttocks
Chin
Eyebrows
Hips
Ears
Arms/wrist
Waist
Genitals
Cheeks/cheekbones
Calves
Height
Head size/shape
Forehead
Feet
Hands
Jaw
Mouth
Back
Fingers
Neck
Shoulders
Knees
Toes
Ankles
Facial muscles		 73
56
37
22
22
21
20
20
20
18
16
14
12
12
12
11
11
11
9
9
9
8
8
8
7
6
6
6
6
6
6
6
5
5
3
3
3
2
1

* The percentages add up to more than 100% because people are usually concerned with more than one aspect of their appearance.

Skin Concerns:

Skin concerns are most frequent. Two-thirds of people with skin concerns obsess about perceived acne or scarring. This is followed by concerns with marks (in one-third) and skin color (in one-quarter), with people typically thinking their skin is too red or too white. But virtually any aspect of the skin can be disliked—facial pores that are considered unusually large, veins, capillaries, or other skin flaws. Others obsess about wrinkles, lines, sagging, shriveling, or stretch marks, which they may consider signs of aging.

Some people have multiple skin concerns. They become obsessed with supposed facial acne and scars, as well as veins, which were barely discernible to other people. They excessively check mirrors and repeatedly ask family for reassurance, asking “Do you think this pimple will go away? Will I have a scar?” To improve their skin, people will spend lots of time applying makeup and picking at their face, sometimes using pins. People will compulsively wash their hands.

Hair Concerns

Hair concerns are also very common. The most common worries focus on hair loss, thinning, or balding (a concern of one-third of people who dislike their hair) and excessive facial or body hair (also one-third). But hair obsessions may focus on virtually any aspect of the hair: it’s too curly, too straight, too full, not full enough, uneven, messy, or dirty.

While men are more likely to worry about thinning hair, women have this concern as well.  Getting a haircut is usually very distressing for people with hair concerns. “I’m terrified of getting my hair cut,”. “Getting the right haircut is crucial. How I feel and function depends on how I happen to look and the quality of my haircut.” Hair concerns may also involve other body hair. Men may be preoccupied with supposedly uneven, light, or heavy beard growth. Men or women may think they have too much or too little body hair.

Nose Concerns

Nose concerns are also very common. About 60% of people with nose concerns worry that their nose is too large. More than a quarter worry that it’s bumpy or misshapen. People with nose concerns are especially likely to have surgery—often repeated surgeries.

Total Body Concerns

BDD can also involve larger body areas. Some people dislike virtually their entire body. About one-quarter of men with BDD are preoccupied with their overall body build, thinking they look too small or inadequately muscular. This form of BDD is called “muscle dysmorphia”. Others—often women—are concerned that they’re too large or overweight. In studies up to 22% of female BDD sufferers were excessively concerned with their weight.

10 Months After my Facial Scar – Falling Back Into Old BDD Habits

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Sometimes I just can’t believe it happened:  The scar, the injury, the entire incident.

It doesn’t seem fair, but then again, life often isn’t. And we just have to accept these things as they are.

ON THE ROAD

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I am away from home, on the road, in a hotel room. Alone with mirrors and overhead lights. I am around those looking to network, and I am again ashamed, disgusted with myself and wishing to crawl into a hole.

How long can I exist like this? I have to ask myself, because it seems already it has been and insufferable amount of time.

I have been researching scar revision surgery and have decided it is ultimately my best option. And, for this I had to consult with my wife, she just nods and is accepting. But this doesn’t help me decide if my desires for scar revision are based on the scar, or my perception of it.

And this is where BDD seems to have me. The inability to separate my truth from reality, and the awareness of this kills me. I just don’t know if this is vanity or not.

I scan everyone I see trying to find some type of imperfections in their face. I see none, but every-time I enter a bathroom with that overhead light I have to duck, and hide from the mirror. I have to dodge the glances of other peoples eyes, I have to hide here in my hotel room.

THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE

I have tried SSRI’s and this made matters worse. It is time to seek counsel I presume, maybe I will do this as part of my workup to surgery. My greatest fear is that the surgery will not provide me with the results I desire, and from that point I don’t know where or how to proceed.

I can tell you one thing, I hope never again to feel suicidal, although I can feel those thoughts pouring back in. But my defenses are up, and it seems that I am a lot better at blocking them.

SOCIAL OBLIGATIONS

I am visiting a good friend this weekend, one I haven’t seen in over a year. To top it off his entire family is going to be there. Baby steps I tell myself, it will be OK.

What is it I am so afraid of anyway? This is the other part of BDD, a lot of poor self esteem all wrapped up in a package. Why do I care about this gross imperfection? It is just part of me, it is not my fault… Although I don’t think I accept that as a truth.

STAR STRUCK

I was watching the news this morning and there was Lindsay Lohan. She was headed back into rehab. Then they cut to a newsflash that the original singer Chris Kelly from the kids R&B band Kris Kross had died of a drug overdose at the age of 34, he had performed on tour with another BDD sufferer Michael Jackson. Then my thoughts wen’t down the row of dead superstars who seemed to have all the good things in life.

What is wrong here? Something is wrong here, and I wonder if it affects me.

BAD HABITS

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I started smoking again when I am away from home. This just makes me feel even more like shit, but there you have it, a self destructive behavior on top of a layer of self hatred. Fuck me!

I am at a medical conference but I stared in the mirror and decided to spend the last two hours in my hotel room. I am thinking of catching a movie and then going out to dinner. I am supposed to meet up with a colleague and his wife tomorrow for dinner, I hope I can get my nerve up.

TESTING MY “BDD” THEORIES

Every time I have tested my theories that my face sucks and nobody would want to hang out with me, or love me, or make love to me.. I have been proven wrong.

My wife doesn’t even seem to notice and my friends have not abandoned me. Hell they seem to not even notice. My parents are the same. People notice, and sometimes they even make a comment about my scar, but it is rare. My patients never say a thing, Maybe it is just a kind world I think, or maybe, just maybe some of this is in my mind.

Or maybe it doesn’t matter, it is just an external thing, and people have their own worries, which usually do not involve my face.