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Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Grief, Fear, Anger, Resentment, Depression, BDD – Is There Something Good in it?

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What Appears to be a Problem is not Always a Problem.

It is an invitation to explore new positive possibilities.

What seems impossible is not entirely impossible. It is
challenging you to look at the situation from a different
perspective.

The obstacles that block you are also doing you a favor.
They are guiding you to become more creative, more
innovative, more determined and purposeful.

Each negative thing has a positive element. That’s because
you have the amazing ability to learn, to adapt, to create
and to transform life according to your unique, positive
vision.

There’s really no need to worry about what might or might
not come. For no matter what may come, there’s a way for you
to create more goodness and richness from it.

Enthusiastically embrace each moment with open arms.

There’s something good in it, waiting for you to bring it to life.

You Can Give Birth to Your Wings While You Are Learning to Fly

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Take The Leap

When it comes to the raw fear that paralyzes the heart and could stop a person from taking action, what’s important to know is that leaping regardless of fear is a choice you can make every day.

Because of this, the part of you that is led by grief finally will surrender to your determination to live again and to experience joy.

These experiences will give your brain another basis for comparison. It will no longer have just fear to compare things to.

Your successes will give your brain proof that stepping out of your protective shell  may not be all bad.

And you can give birth to your wings while you are learning to fly!

 

MY BDD LOOPS – The Processes That Make My Life Suck

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Tonight I have decided to sit down and take a good look at my triggers and unhealthy habit loops.

I might discuss alternative options to these habit loop in more detail later, but for now I will use this as an opportunity for self reflection.

I would encourage you to do the same.

  • What are you BDD triggers?
  • What do your unhealthy habit loops look like?
  • What alternative “habit loops” can you think of?

MY TRIGGERS

  1. Mirrors
  2. Windows
  3. People (Social Interaction)
  4. Face Touching
  5. Overhead Lighting

MY HABIT “LOOPS”

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MY SOCIAL INTERACTION LOOP

Meet person → think about my scar → talk with person → scan there eyes to see if their gaze is on my scar → think about my scar → do they see it? I think so → think about my scar → maybe they do see it →  anxiety → think about my scar → realize the person doesn’t care about my scar → think about my scar → become uncomfortable → think about my scar → feel anxiety and try to end discomfort → think about my scar → cut the interaction short → feel like crap → blame my scar → continue behaviors of avoiding → feel less anxiety → blame my scar → scar begins to define me → social isolation, poor relationships → less anxiety → reward is less anxiety consequence → lost interactions → social isolation → sadness → depression → self hate → suicidal thoughts → dead on inside if not out.

Some possible options: 

Option 1: Avoid social interaction

Horrible and self defeating option

Option 2:  Change thinking to take the focus off myself

Meet the person → think about the person → listen to the person → send love to the person → person feels understood → enjoys my company → new friend → new interaction → I feel better → make their day better → chance for growth and connection.

MY MIRROR LOOP

See a mirror → try to avoid the mirror → give into the mirror → see my scar → try to get a closer look → see if it looks bad in this current light → no → try to make it look bad → I am always able to → feel bad → look closer → looks worse → feel depressed → angry → sad → hopeless → try to shake feelings → can’t → night is ruined.

Some possible options: 

Option 1: Avoid Mirrors (beginning step)

When washing hands don’ t look up into mirror.

When shopping for clothes don’t try clothes on in store.

Option 2:  Avoid close up mirror checking

See the whole picture and avoid eye contact with the perceived (or real) defect

MY WINDOW LOOP

On a run, walk, getting in the car → see a car window, store window, look into my phone → look for my scar → see deep crevices of scar (always bad in windows with natural light) → feel sad → helpless → angry → disgusted → afraid → unlovable.

MY SCAR TOUCHING LOOP

Touch my scar → feel its contour and depth → feel disgusted → push on it → try to make myself feel better → is it deep? → always the answer is yes → feel bad → self hate → disgust → need mirror check → may take a photo of it → feel even more sick → disgusted → anxious → self hate → self torment.

Some possible options: 

Option 1:

Don’t touch my scar.

CAMERA LOOPS

Take a picture → look for the scar → don’t see the scare → feel good → look harder → see the scar → feel horrible → self hate → anxiety → fear.

Some possible options: 

Option 1:  Avoid all pictures

bad option

Option 2: Avoid focusing on my scar

very hard to do

Option 3: Accept that I am moore than my scar

Impossible?

One thing that is apparent from this exercise, each of these triggers sets off a process that ends in self hate, anxiety, fear and disgust. And then oddly a desire to repeat the steps.

So the question is why would I voluntarily engage in any of these activities?  Some of these are part of life, like mirrors and social interactions. What are my options?

The best option is always to accept that I am more than my perceived (or real) defect and to find the beauty in it.

Can I ever get there?

Grief and Fear – The Backbone of BDD – Change and the Malleable Brain

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No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning.  I keep on swallowing. – C.S Lewis, [easyazon_link asin=”0060652381″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” tag=”4hourlife00-20″ add_to_cart=”no” cloaking=”default” localization=”default” nofollow=”default” popups=”default”]A Grief Observed[/easyazon_link]

My huge stumbling block is that I am not too sad to try again, but that I am too afraid to try again. It is fear, not sadness that is holding me back.

I have to make the decision to either start living again or to grieve forever, to fear forever.

In the moment we recognize it is fear, we are released to move forward.

I have been confusing the emotions related to mourning with the “what if’s and the why’s that are related to anticipation of the future.

BECAUSE MY BRAIN WANTS TO BE SAFE

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My head is filling me with negative beliefs about who I am, what I can accomplish, and how the world will respond to me.

My thoughts are telling me that my present moment grief will extend foreword forever, and that I should therefore fear the future as an unpleasant and unhappy experience.

NOTHING ABOUT THESE IDEAS ARE REAL

Reading C.S Lewis quote at the beginning connected the dots… “what about my thought patterns is not in line with my current state of being?”

THE MALLEABILITY OF THE BRAIN

Neuroplasticity explains that  when we experience something, neurons in the brain make connections between one another, and these connections tell our mind and body how to react to the world around us.

These connections are called neural pathways, or brain maps, and the more we use them, the more ingrained they become.

And the more ingrained they become, the  more likely we are to react in the same way.

OUR NEURAL PATHWAYS CAN BE CHANGED

But our neural pathways can be changed so we can experience the world in new ways.

We can create new habits and behaviors by working consciously to rewire our brains.

By setting the right environment to push ourselves out of these well-worn neural pathways and onto a new landscape.

A NEW LANDSCAPE

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My brain is focusing on grief and fear instead of on life.

Repetitive grief thoughts have created a map of grief and fear inside my brain.

Whenever I think about my facial defect I am reinforcing those neural pathways and contributing to my own suffering by making my default grief.

If I can focus my attention away from these negative thoughts, and negative behaviors (like mirror checking, avoiding social gatherings, overhead light etc. etc.) and toward positive behaviors (attending social gatherings, joining new groups, going to church, avoiding staring at or feeling my scar), then I can actually change my own neural pathways.

In other words: 

I can contribute to my own relief from suffering by breaking this habit of grief.

CHANGING CORE BELIEFS

I know these thoughts are not serving me, I know I need to alter my thinking if I want to create the life I would love leading.

I don’t know what that life will look like, but I do know that I want to become happy again.

I want the unbearable pain I am feeling to quiet down, I want to escape the feeling of misery and sadness which fills a large part of my days.

Even in the midst of BDD I am in charge of my life.

I have the freedom to choose.

It is time to make changes.

To take my fear addled brain and reshape it!

– Stephen 

[easyazon_block add_to_cart=”no” align=”center” asin=”0060652381″ cloaking=”default” layout=”top” localization=”default” locale=”US” nofollow=”default” new_window=”default” tag=”4hourlife00-20″]A Grief Observed[/easyazon_block]

Managing Your Thoughts

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The following comes from the book: Wilhelm, Sabine [easyazon_link asin=”1572307307″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” tag=”4hourlife00-20″ add_to_cart=”default” cloaking=”default” localization=”default” nofollow=”default” popups=”default”]Feeling Good about the Way You Look: A Program for Overcoming Body Image Problems[/easyazon_link].  As I have said before this book has been essential on my journey to overcoming BDD and this is meant to summarize, not replace the actual book.

The messages that run through your mind determine how you feel and what you do. Every time you feel anxious, discouraged, or self-conscious about your looks, it’s the result of negative thinking.

Our thoughts aren’t always trustworthy.

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The fact that negative thoughts about your appearance often come into your mind doesn’t mean that they are true. Indeed, they may be absolutely illogical, inaccurate, even bizarre—and they’re certainly not helpful.

You start by learning to recognize illogical and self-defeating thinking, then learning to change these negative thoughts and painful feelings.

If you’re now thinking that your thoughts aren’t the problem (“Other people might just have a little problem with their thinking, and they can benefit from this psychological stuff, but I really have a physical problem! There’s something wrong with the way I look!”), you might be surprised to know that I hear the same protest from almost every new patient.

In fact, after the first session of the first BDD group that I ran, several patients called me to say they couldn’t come back to future sessions. Why? “Because everybody else in the group looked fine; they just have a psychological problem. I’m the only one who looks weird!”

You, too, have probably been convinced that all you need is a change in the way you look. But keep in mind that this belief is the core of your problem, and this is why your thinking needs fine-tuning: You have started to believe things that aren’t based on reality.

Your Negative Feelings Are Caused by Your Thoughts

One of the basic assumptions of CBT is that how you interpret a situation affects how you feel.

In other words, you aren’t reacting with anxiety or sadness to certain events or situations; rather, you are reacting to your interpretations of these situations.

Let me give you an example. Let’s say you are at a party chatting with some friends. All of a sudden, you realize that someone keeps looking at you.

What kinds of thoughts run through your mind? Just try to pick one of these interpretations:

  1. He’s interested in our conversation.
  2. He thinks I look strange.
  3. He’s looking in my direction but not really looking at me (that is, he’s daydreaming).
  4. He’s interested in me.

If you picked 1 or 4, you probably feel pretty good as a result of your interpretation. You might look back at the observer and smile. Or you might get more animated and confident in the conversation with your friends.

If you picked 3, you likely feel neutral and just keep doing whatever you are doing.

If you picked 2, however, you’ll probably feel anxious, and you may even change your behavior (for example, turn your back to the observer) as a result of this thought.

All of these interpretations are equally likely, and the one you picked created your reality and changed how you felt and behaved. The same relationship applies to most situations in life. It’s not really what’s happening to you that causes you to feel sad, self-confident, anxious, or neutral. It’s how you interpret what’s happening.

Likewise, when you look in the mirror, you’re not just getting input from your retina and visual cortex; you’re also interpreting your reflection in some way. If you look at your nose and decide that it looks disfigured because it’s a little bumpy, you feel sad and discouraged.

If you decide that although your nose isn’t perfect, it’s OK, and that you really love your eyes, you’ll feel good or relatively neutral as a result of your mirror

Typical Beliefs of People with Body Image Concerns

  • If my appearance is defective, I’m worthless as a person.
  • If my appearance is defective, I’ll always be alone.
  • If I looked better, my whole life would be better.
  • If I don’t look perfect, people won’t like me.
  • If others knew what I really look like (for example, without makeup), they’d reject me.
  • I need to look perfect to be accepted.
  • If my appearance is flawed, I am inadequate.
  • I’m ugly because I feel ugly.

Several of these assumptions contain the idea that appearance is central to being happy or loved and accepted. In other beliefs, appearance and self-worth have become interwoven.

Many of the assumptions contain perfectionist ideas, and some contain the idea that control over appearance leads to control over feelings.

You probably developed these beliefs while growing up; thus, over the years, they have been influenced by your family, cultural values, the media, and possibly even traumatic life experiences.

Any of the beliefs listed will influence what you think in any situation you encounter. They’ll make it hard for you to accept yourself as you are. This will make you feel sad, anxious, or embarrassed and might even impact how you behave.

And what if they’re not true? If your beliefs are false or exaggerated, your expectations and automatic thoughts in specific situations will be inaccurate. But you’ll still feel bad when they arise. The next step, is to learn how to recognize and change negative automatic thoughts in specific situations.

Identifying Your Negative Thoughts

If you’re going to eliminate negative thoughts, naturally you have to be able to identify them first. This may be quite easy for you, or it could be very challenging. You might think, “I’m not sure what I’m thinking; I just feel awful about the way I look.” Don’t worry; identifying your negative thoughts, like almost everything in life, gets easier with practice.

The most important next step is for you to start focusing on your thoughts and to write them down.

Thought Record

Below is a sample “Thought Record”, or buy yourself a small notebook and make up your own thought record, as long as you follow the suggested format.

The goal is to spend a minimum of 20–30 minutes a day during the coming week on your thought records.

It’s best to complete the Thought Record right after you’ve had a negative thought. Because these thoughts can occur anywhere, you should take your notebook or Thought Record forms with you wherever you go.

Take them to work and on vacation, on long walks or to the gym.

Sometimes, however, you’ll be in social or other situations in which working on a Thought Record would be inappropriate. In those cases, it’s OK to delay writing down the thoughts, but don’t wait too long, because you might forget important details.

If you don’t have any thoughts in the next few days that make you feel uncomfortable, just imagine a future situation that might be difficult for you.

Or try to remember a recent situation that made you feel bad. Remember the situation as vividly as you can, then complete the Thought Record.

Elements of the Thought Record

The Three Elements of The Thought Record

SITUATIONS

In the first section, “Situations,” briefly describe the situation that triggered the negative thought. Just a few words are enough.

THOUGHTS

In the second section, describe the thoughts. Write them down word for word; don’t pretty them up. So, don’t change the thought “I’m hideous!” to “I was thinking that I’m not very attractive.” Also, don’t worry about spelling or grammar.

FEELINGS

In the third section, describe how the thought made you feel.

My Sample Thought Record:

This example is from right now when I am thinking about going to this event with my kids and family.

Download Blank Template: MS. Word (doc | docx)  Google Drive

You might be thinking that you really don’t want to write your negative, appearance-related thoughts down every day. They’re awful, and writing them down will just make you feel worse.

You may not want to spend any more time thinking about this than you already do.

It’s true that monitoring your thoughts initially might be a challenge, because I’m asking you to focus on something that is actually quite painful for you, and you don’t yet have the skills to cope.

But let me assure you that writing these thoughts down is a good investment in your future.

Yes, for a short period of time it may be difficult to do this exercise, but in the long term I have found it extremely helpful. So even if you don’t feel like it, use all your willpower to keep monitoring your thoughts. It’s worth it.

Resources

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