BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

Contact | About | Resources Archives

This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Does BDD run in Families?

By

BDD

My body image concerns started at a young age when I struggled with acne, but my lack of confidence began way before this.

I remember a friend of mine in grade school making some off-handed comment about a generic Yankees baseball cap I was wearing and I felt self conscious for months.

I felt the same way about my hair, my clothes, my personality.

My grandmother may have had BDD.

She didn’t like to leave the house, she walked with her head down and she never would take photographs.

I never made much of this until the other day, I started to think about where my BDD may have come from, and if this could be an inherited trait.

I started to worry about my children.

Depression appears to have a strong genetic component possibly multiplied by a factor of 3 if you have a close relative with the condition.

What about Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Does it run in families?

Because BDD is not talked about as much and those who have it tend not to share their concerns, or identify it as such, it’s inheritance patterns are likely to go unnoticed.

This I am sure will change with time.

Last year, I swore there was a girl at my gym with BDD, or maybe I was simply trying to find somebody else to relate to. But I picked up on certain patterns.

She would obsess over mirrors and seem to avoid them at the same time. She was fit, but self conscious, she appeared a bit nervous and anxious. I saw myself in her.

How much of this did I put upon her to make myself feel better? I will never know, but it is the first time I realized that I may be able to spot people with BDD.

So I started looking.

It is hard to find, many are models, lawyers and doctors, people you would never suspect to have it.

Can you spot people with BDD? Can you see it in yourself? Do you suspect a family member of yours may have had it?
photo credit: Pulpolux

Laser Treatments for facial scars – Do they work?

By

fractional laser therapy for facial scars

You see images like this all the time. But are they for real?

I have talked a lot about my facial scars on this blog.

I blame them for the resurgence of my BDD and I also blame them for the inescapable nature of the beast.

I blame them for my ugliness and my shame

I blame them for my fear of face to face casual conversation. Something I used to look forward to prior to the unfortunate events.

What is really to blame?

I am pragmatic enough to know that facial scars alone are not enough to stop anybody from doing anything, it is not the scar but my attitude towards the scar that proves disabling

That being said, I did give laser treatment a try, in hopes that it would help decrease the scar, and give me my life back.

The results?

I had 3 treatments of fractal laser on my cheek scar and my recent nose scar.

They helped some, according to my wife it was noticeable, according to me it is “what it is”, but better than nothing at all.

The shave biopsy scar on my nose is vascular so the laser didn’t help to the degree I had hoped, but time will tell, especially as the scar tissue starts to develop some more and the redness fades.

The Paucity of Information on Facial Scars

As a medical practitioner I have been horrified by the lack of information there is on facial scars and facial scar treatments.

It is something we didn’t learn about in our medical training. We learned how to do very basic interrupted sutures, we learned how to take these out later.

But facial scars last a lifetime, not just the few minutes a person is in the exam room with us.

When I saw the dermatologist about the small growth on my nose he took a shave biopsy and said “no big deal”. For me it is a big deal and is having a serious impact on my life. He cut too deep and left a depressed hypertrophic scar that went into the subdermis which is vascular and now created a red circle on my nose.

When I saw the ER PA who placed 7 poorly done interrupted sutures in my face saying she wouldn’t be able to bring in a plastic surgeon, she lied and she was just trying to get me out of there as quickly as possible. This had long-term consequences and took 20 minutes of her time.

When I asked the professionals if there was anything I could do to make these facial scars better they said no.

When I went online to do some research I found that laser therapy done early can have a big impact, done later (in my case 18 months) it is not nearly as effective.

I also found out that you do not need to close a wound so quickly, in the case of a facial laceration there are techniques that can drastically reduce scaring especially with appropriate follow-up care.  So I could have walked out of that ER and waited for a plastic surgeon who could have provided me with a much better outcome.

Lying to my Face

People have a tendency to act like they know all the answers even when they don’t.

I now really regret consulting a dermatologist about my scars. The dermatologist I saw had no idea bout laser therapy but said it would change my skin pigmentation, that it would make it worse, that there was nothing that could be done.

Of course none of this was true. She knew nothing about laser treatment and was speaking out of her ass.

I got a free consult a year later and that is when I found out there are options.

Laser Therapy

I assume there are good laser treatment centers and bad ones. I found one simply by using Google, calling and signing up for a free consultation. The nurse who runs the fractal laser machine sat down with me and right away said I could see a 30% improvement of my deep cheek scar and probably some noticeable improvement on my nose as well. It would take multiple treatments and it was $50 per treatment. Very reasonable!

The treatments took 10 minutes each, Each treatment was separated by 30 days but a minimum of 2 weeks is necessary, and like I said, there has been improvement.

How much of this was from the laser versus simply time, I will never know.

I will post pictures here in due time, when I am ready. 

But, if you have had any type of facial scaring I would say at least for now, that you should consult a laser treatment center to see if there is something they can do. You really have nothing to lose.

Some Recommendations for Laser Therapy and Facial Scars

  • Try to find a center that will give you a free consult. Ask how long they have been doing their job, what their experience is with treating these types of scars.
  • The nurse who did my 3 treatments was amazing. She promised me she could not make it worse (which was my biggest fear) and she was right. It did only get better. I trusted her, and I trusted her judgement.
  • If you have a recent scar, also it is a good time to seek consult maybe 2 weeks or so after they have pulled the stitches. The fractal lasers can promote colleen synthesis and speed up healing, so often, as was in my case, sooner is better than later.

I caution you against believing medical practitioners, even specialists such as dermatologists regarding laser treatments.  They know nothing about laser therapy and they will lead you astray. Contact a specialist or even a plastics office that does laser treatments and see your options.

There is some hope out there if you have had facial scaring.  Yes, I still have BDD, but seeing improvement in my scars has helped, and I think this is a much better option than scar revisions or plastic surgery, which often can make matters worse!

Just look at Michael Jackson.

Internal Bleeding

By

Internal bleeding

I bleed from the inside

My organs fill up and choke, suffocated by blood, starving for oxygen.

Now it threatens to overtake my mind.

Each vessel leaks its own toxic mix of blood and bile.

When you bleed from the inside you bleed alone.

There is no bandage to help stop the bleeding

I try to apply pressure, but I can’t find the source

I will die from this

Every day is more of the same

The same self-hate, the same hell, the same anxiety and fear and restlessness

I wish I could want to die because then the bleeding would stop

I hold onto life and let everything else around me go

It is a pathetic sob story, wasting time

So I hope to bleed faster now, until I don’t feel a thing

Then finally the skin will feel soft, my scars will fade away

I will wake up, bathed in light and love and the warming hands of my creator.

photo credit: (Sarah Robinson)

Change is Going to Come

By

Here is something that may not surprise you.

Things don’t change on their own, you have to change with them, or maybe more like – you have to change for them… to change that is.

6 weeks into our around the world adventure and I found myself slipping into the doldrums of self-hate and isolation.

It took something to set me off, in this case, it was a mild head cold, followed by a rather intense week with our 6-year-old.

I guess we were both grieving.

I hide it well right? They don’t see me, they don’t know I have this obnoxious illness called BDD?

I am certain that they will figure it out sometime.  Maybe when they are older and they wonder why dad doesn’t look into mirrors or try clothes on. Or why dad is afraid of getting a hair cut.

Speaking of which, my hair is very long now, as I haven’t been able to get up the confidence to sit in the mirror to get it cut.

I dabbed some makeup on my nose today and felt better, the depressions lasted one day this time, that was fast I thought, what a difference a day makes.

 A Change is Going to Come

I have had a bit of a transition.

I have been swimming in the pool, talking with strangers and sometimes even forgetting about my facial deformity.  Well not completely but at least long enough to enjoy a few moments of mental peace and quiet.

A few sunsets, a few morning runs, a cool breeze.

Life outside of isolation has been good for me.

On good days, out with the family, out for dinner, interacting with the world I feel human again.

This trip was a good idea, it is making a difference, 6 weeks in… Not bad, but can it last?

From the road

By

I shouldn’t have taken the Ambien…

It never leads to a good nights sleep. 

30 days on the road and I am left with a feeling of emptiness, something must be wrong, everything seems wrong. But that is because I hate myself. I cannot stand the way I look in the mirror. 

No matter what I do, the disease seems to own me. It has now taken every last bit of my soul. 

I thought I had the strength to overcome this BDD, but now I am doubting my optimism. 

2 years and nothing seem better, I have left it all behind and still nothing is better. 

It’s an empty, cold, and heartless place…. That is BDD, and it is everywhere.