Testing Archives - BDD SUCKS

Life is For The Living So Live It (Or Your Better off Dead)

December 22, 2013 By Stephen

Maybe you already know this so quite possibly this is not such a big deal.

But depression is just fear and anger and sadness all wrapped up in a bundle of hopelessness.

I believe it has a lot to do with the feeling (or belief) that tomorrow will be just as bad as today, and then there is no end in sight.

And when nothing really matters, when we lose the basic premise of living we give up, and this is a sad state of affairs.

Testing Theories

Last night I decided to test a theory. And it isn’t some breakthrough theory, most of you will be thinking well of course… duh. But it happened at home the other day as I was relaxing and reading a book called “[easyazon_link asin=”1401940838″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” tag=”4hourlife00-20″ add_to_cart=”default” cloaking=”default” localization=”default” nofollow=”default” popups=”default”]Second Firsts[/easyazon_link]”.

The book is about loss and how to move beyond grief and begin a “second first”… i.e “starting over”.

We have all experienced loss in some sense of the word and when I saw the author interviewed on the good life project I figured the book may be able to give me some insight into how to overcome my BDD.

Really, when I am in my funks, when I am doing my mirror checking, when I am hating on myself this is usually attached to a sense of grief and/or loss. This loss is rooted in a belief that I had something before (in this case before my new facial scar) that is now gone forever.

And when this imperfection arose it stole my life, and then took with it my ability to be happy.

You will find this when you lose a loved one, a pet, a spouse, a child or even through sickness, disease, accidents. They all share something in common. That once lost life is different, that things have changed.

I RESIST CHANGE

I like to believe (insanely so) that life exists in my bubble, a bubble I perceive to be perfect just the way it is. I have troubles letting go and accepting that all things change. This is a principle I have been working on.

Anyway to get to my point.

My wife coerced me to go out last night to a Christmas party. You may or may not believe it when I tell you I have been avoiding this group of friends for almost the entire year, ever since I got my scar.

Why I have done this in all actuality is completely irrational.

To believe that these kind and generous people would not want to be around me because of a minor imperfection on my face is ridiculous. But to me it is damn real, and the fear that this inspires in me is at times unbearable. But last night I had no choice.

Sadly, I had worried all week about this party. And then something happened.

I was reading in [easyazon_link asin=”1401940838″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” tag=”4hourlife00-20″ add_to_cart=”default” cloaking=”default” localization=”default” nofollow=”default” popups=”default”]Second Firsts[/easyazon_link] about how basically if we have a preconceived notion about how something is going to turn out and don’t test it the only thought that we can have is the negative outcome. But if we test it then we have that outcome, the “real” outcome that we can compare this to.

Surprisingly, much of my BDD may actually come from this testing. When I was a kid I remember my mom buying me this Yankees baseball cap that was I guess uncool. I wore it to school and everyone teased me. I never wanted to wear a hat again.

I bought a secret Santa gift for a co-worker 8 years ago that was (I kid you not) light instead of dark chocolate and this coworker made me feel so bad that I have never participated in a secret Santa exchange again.

Small things make me lose my confidence easily. I think I have a strong desire to please people. And it is out of fear of disapproval that I change my behaviors. Often (if not always) at my loss.

MOVING FORWARD

So I went to the party last night and all the guys gave me a bad time for disappearing for 1 year. Of course they have no idea why I have been MIA.

As I said these are good guys, friendly kind and warm people.

We had a few beers, laughed played with our kids, caught up and guess what not one person said a damn thing about my scar.

I practiced what I had mentioned in a previous post about my bad “loops” think about the other person, and stop letting my mind circle back to me, my face and my image concerns. And I did this fairly well.

When the thoughts would come I would either a) sip the beer or, b) and more commonly let the feeling pass out of me and then focus again on the other person… Paying close attention to what was going on in their life.

UPS AND DOWNS

I am by no means cured after one dinner party. But it is one comparison I can throw into the win column.

This Christmas we have family coming from overseas, people I haven’t seen in quite some tim,e and of course all I can think about is their reaction to my facial scar.

So f’d up… But this is the way it is. So my goal is to have a couple more wins.

The chance for loss is still there and it scares the hell out of me. Scares me to the point of fear, self-loathing and yes the kind of depression I opened this blog post talking about.

But I have a choice I guess, I can live in fear or I can move on.

One steals my most precious asset… time. The other is the choice of experiencing life.

As the band Passenger says so well:

“Don’t you cry for the lost
Smile for the living
Get what you need and give what you’re given
Life’s for the living so live it
Or you’re better of dead”

10 Months After my Facial Scar – Falling Back Into Old BDD Habits

May 2, 2013 By Stephen

Sometimes I just can’t believe it happened: The scar, the injury, the entire incident.

It doesn’t seem fair, but then again, life often isn’t. And we just have to accept these things as they are.

ON THE ROAD

I am away from home, on the road, in a hotel room. Alone with mirrors and overhead lights. I am around those looking to network, and I am again ashamed, disgusted with myself and wishing to crawl into a hole.

How long can I exist like this? I have to ask myself, because it seems already it has been and insufferable amount of time.

I have been researching scar revision surgery and have decided it is ultimately my best option. And, for this I had to consult with my wife, she just nods and is accepting. But this doesn’t help me decide if my desires for scar revision are based on the scar, or my perception of it.

And this is where BDD seems to have me. The inability to separate my truth from reality, and the awareness of this kills me. I just don’t know if this is vanity or not.

I scan everyone I see trying to find some type of imperfections in their face. I see none, but every-time I enter a bathroom with that overhead light I have to duck, and hide from the mirror. I have to dodge the glances of other peoples eyes, I have to hide here in my hotel room.

THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE

I have tried SSRI’s and this made matters worse. It is time to seek counsel I presume, maybe I will do this as part of my workup to surgery. My greatest fear is that the surgery will not provide me with the results I desire, and from that point I don’t know where or how to proceed.

I can tell you one thing, I hope never again to feel suicidal, although I can feel those thoughts pouring back in. But my defenses are up, and it seems that I am a lot better at blocking them.

SOCIAL OBLIGATIONS

I am visiting a good friend this weekend, one I haven’t seen in over a year. To top it off his entire family is going to be there. Baby steps I tell myself, it will be OK.

What is it I am so afraid of anyway? This is the other part of BDD, a lot of poor self esteem all wrapped up in a package. Why do I care about this gross imperfection? It is just part of me, it is not my fault… Although I don’t think I accept that as a truth.

STAR STRUCK

I was watching the news this morning and there was Lindsay Lohan. She was headed back into rehab. Then they cut to a newsflash that the original singer Chris Kelly from the kids R&B band Kris Kross had died of a drug overdose at the age of 34, he had performed on tour with another BDD sufferer Michael Jackson. Then my thoughts wen’t down the row of dead superstars who seemed to have all the good things in life.

What is wrong here? Something is wrong here, and I wonder if it affects me.

BAD HABITS

I started smoking again when I am away from home. This just makes me feel even more like shit, but there you have it, a self destructive behavior on top of a layer of self hatred. Fuck me!

I am at a medical conference but I stared in the mirror and decided to spend the last two hours in my hotel room. I am thinking of catching a movie and then going out to dinner. I am supposed to meet up with a colleague and his wife tomorrow for dinner, I hope I can get my nerve up.

TESTING MY “BDD” THEORIES

Every time I have tested my theories that my face sucks and nobody would want to hang out with me, or love me, or make love to me.. I have been proven wrong.

My wife doesn’t even seem to notice and my friends have not abandoned me. Hell they seem to not even notice. My parents are the same. People notice, and sometimes they even make a comment about my scar, but it is rare. My patients never say a thing, Maybe it is just a kind world I think, or maybe, just maybe some of this is in my mind.

Or maybe it doesn’t matter, it is just an external thing, and people have their own worries, which usually do not involve my face.

Hopeful – Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques to Test My Body Image Concerns

November 4, 2012 By Stephen

After last nights depressing, over-tired post, today turned out to be a good day.

I have been going to church again, mostly for the kids, so that they may know God and understand that somebody may have their back in the bad times, and the good ones.

This has helped me through my BDD, and I figure it is best that they have God’s love to guide them as well.

Going to church helped to get me out of the house, my bedroom and my mind. Writing here on this blog is a lonely outlet, at the end of the day the only way to overcome my BDD is in the presence of others.

It is among others that I can prove (or more likely disprove) my many skin concerns.

Today, sitting in church, in full light, close to people, I could see that no one cared. My facial scar in full view may or may not have caught the attention of others who, in all honesty, seemed to care less. They were more concerned about what I had to say, and I am more concerned about what they have to say.

I feel good when I am out, yes I feel anxious, and yes, I feel self conscious but, at the end of the day, being out and about always has a positive net effect on my attitude.

I stayed after church to sit and write in the open air cafe, afterwards I attended a waffle party with some families that attend my daughters school. One of the dads commented on how he hadn’t seen me around (my daughter just started Kindergarten in October) and I made up some sorry excuse about late nights at work.

Honestly, there is no reason to tell others of my body image concerns. I know my wife was happy to see me there, as were my kids.

Face your Fear and it will Disappear?

My fears have not disappeared But today, out and about, at church, at a party, out on the bike, this afternoon, I started to feel better.

It is hard to believe how I can be on the edge of destruction one moment, and feeling so good the next. This is the nature of the beast when it comes to body dysmorphic disorder. My moods rise and fall like the ocean tides.

Moral of the story: Getting out and being around people is a known cure for depression which, I have along with my BDD. The Lexapro hasn’t seemed to help as much as I would have liked, but then again I need to increase my dose but haven’t been able to in fear of (believe it or not) what the pharmacist will think. This is incredibly irrational and is further proof why I shouldn’t be treating and prescribing for myself.

I skipped my first counseling session this week because I am a coward, and I was tired of talking about my scar.

I wrote a lot here and started to work a bit more on my art. I spent time with my children, I took my wife out on a date, I did avoid the mirrors and I had my wife take the one down at the front door… The last one I see as I head out of the house, it has been known to change my attitude pretty quickly.

My wife continues to be an amazing support of my BDD . She doesn’t give me a bad time about some of my avoidance rituals. She seems to understand what I am going through right now, I am so thankful for that.

I am exhausted, but I made some positive steps this week. My facial scar is hurting me today, I am not sure how much of that is in my mind. But maybe it is because I stretched it today, I showed it to the world, I overcame some fears. And I lived to see another day.