BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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I am your life, and you’re all that I’ve got

December 14, 2013 By Stephen

The voice of grief is rather convincing, isn’t it?

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It tells you you’re “too old,” “not good enough,” or “not worthy enough” for another chance at life, that starting over is impossible.

This voice in your head is the first thing you hear in the morning and the last thing you hear at night. It drives with you to work. It stays with you at lunch.

Its message is so consistent that, because of its repetitive power, you may be inclined to believe it. But, as persuasive as the voice of grief is, everything it says is a lie.

It’s all a pack of lies.

Do you want the truth?

If you do, then start listening to life calling to you inside your grief.

How?

Every time you are yearning to be held and loved, to laugh again, listen to your yearning.

Do not listen to your fear.

Listen to life calling you:

  • I am here, come on over.
  • Take a chance on me.
  • I am your life, and you’re all that I’ve got.

Filed Under: Motivation, Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: grief, listen strenght, overcoming

The Voices of BDD

December 13, 2013 By Stephen

In this series I will be searching for voices. Those voices who suffer from BDD, the ones scattered across the either.

I hear their voices, because they have been mine, they make rounds in my head. Alone, we suffer in self hate, but together our voices can take shape.  Even in disgust, we can find love, and hope and the makings of life. Because if not, we are better off dead.

I JUST WANT TO LIVE BUT IT IS GETTING SO HARD

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It been 2 1/2 years and I don’t think there has been a moment in that time that I have not had the thought and image of my scarred body leave my mind.

There is just so much regret and blame and I have managed to ruin my life, financially, career and in relationships through my uncontrollable crying and constant obsession with my body.

I am learning to keep it inside but it is very hard and I feel like I am suffering with it all the time. It really is a hellish way to live and I would love to find a way to reduce and hopefully end the suffering.

I do not want to kill myself… but I think of it all the time and it is a very painful thought.

I would like to focus on how I can start to see and value myself as more than just a body.

To learn to see my qualities that are more important like compassionate and kind and caring.

I just want to live but it is getting so hard.

I can not escape these horrible thoughts about my body.

I would love to connect and communicate with anyone that can relate and has found things that have helped them.

~ Dede

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Voices of BDD Tagged With: BDD, IT, LIVE, Regret, Sadness, Voices, WANT

Coming Back for More

December 13, 2013 By Stephen

No Matter what I do it is there, it is always there, it is prodding me, poking me, tormenting me.

“It” whatever “it” is has stolen my life.

And you don’t deserve to have it. Who are you anyway and where did you come from?

I am not sure I was ever whole, but how dare you relegate me to the sidelines.

How dare you have the audacity to think you run things here.

This is my life, and you, “it” can go fuck yourself.

I will call you BDD because that is the name they give you.

Honestly, it doesn’t really matter to me, you are just an evil mother fucker in my book who has stolen my life from me.

Yours, is a self conscious, ego-centric world that I don’t live in.

But you have cuffed me and chained me to this.

You are my abuser that I can’t let go of.

And I keep coming back for more.

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Poems Tagged With: BDD

To Live

December 13, 2013 By Stephen

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Somewhere down there deep inside of me there is this small little man.

And he is hurting, and I can’t get to him.

He is in pain and I cannot comfort him.

He needs to be told everything is going to be OK, but he is crying.

He feels more than I do, so I have taken over day-to-day functioning.

I have shut him out, created a box so that I can go on living. But I cannot feel, so I am mostly dead.

The only part of me that lives is in the box and this keeps me going.

Why do you hurt? Why can’t I comfort you? Why are you so afraid?

It is better to be outside the box, because where you are is dark, it is cold and it is a world for the dead.

I cannot live with you inside this box.

I am just a shell, a soulless human being roaming the world looking for guidance.

But in this damaged, soulless self there is life, waiting to be set free.

You are writing this letter, I know you are there, please do not cry you are loved, you need not fear anymore because I’ve got your back. I will hold you and when the world looks upon us, it is you that they will see.

And I will fade into the background where I belong.

A lifeless shell, damaged for sure, animated by the smallest intentions to keep you alive.

So that you may once again be free.

To love, to laugh..

To live.

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Poems Tagged With: OK

Serotonin-Reuptake Inhibitors in the Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

August 1, 2013 By Stephen

Most commonly used serotonin-reuptake inhibitors used in the treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and the average effective dosages based on clinical studies:

You can read more about augmenting SSRI’s in the treatment of BDD if a single agent is not effective.

Generic Name Brand Name Average Dose (milligrams per day)*
Citalopram Celexa 66
Escitalopram Lexapro 29
Fluoxetine Prozac 67
Fluvoxamine Luvox 308
Paraxetine Paxil 55
Setraline Zoloft 202
Clomipramine Anafranil 203

How to dose an SSRI in BDD

There’s no one-size-fits-all formula; dosing will depend on a number of factors. The most tolerable dosing strategy is to start with a low dose and gradually increase the dose while monitoring for side effects.

So, for example, if you try escitalopram (Lexapro), the usual starting dose is 10 mg a day. After 2 weeks or so, assuming you’re tolerating it well, you could raise it to 20 mg a day. After 2 to 3 weeks on 20 mg a day, you could then raise it to 30 mg a day, unless you’re already starting to improve or are having problematic side effects.

For fluoxetine (Prozac), the usual starting dose is 20 mg per day. After taking this dose for 2 weeks or so you could raise the dose to 40 mg a day. After another 2 to 3 weeks you could raise it to 60 mg/day, and then raise it to 80 mg a day after another 2 to 3 weeks, unless you’re getting better on a lower dose or are having trouble with side effects. But these dosing schedules are only general guidelines.

Generally, I recommend raising the dose more quickly for people who are severely ill and are tolerating the medicine well. Patients who are closely monitored during hospitalization can also have their dose raised more quickly than described above.

Conversely, it makes sense to raise the dose more slowly if you start substantially improving on a lower dose (because you may not need to raise it further) or if you’re having trouble with side effects. Your preference also matters.

A reasonable goal, however, is to reach the maximum dose that the manufacturer recommends (if a lower dose isn’t already working) within 4 to 9 weeks of starting the medicine.

Don’t give up on an SRI until you’ve tried it for at least 12 to 16 weeks, while reaching a high enough dose during that time

To see if a particular SRI will work for you, it’s important to try it for a total of at least 12 to 16 weeks, while reaching a high dose if possible (unless a lower dose works for you) for at least 3 of those weeks. This is called an “adequate” trial. The trial is considered “inadequate” if you don’t reach a high enough dose or if you try the medicine for less than a total of 3 months. An inadequate trial may not be sufficient to successfully treat BDD.

Studies indicate that the vast majority (nearly 90%) of SRI treatments that people with BDD receive aren’t optimal (reaching the highest dose) for this disorder. And two-thirds of SRI treatments that are received aren’t even minimally adequate for BDD.

You need to take the medicine every day as prescribed

It’s very important to take the medication every day, exactly as prescribed, even if it doesn’t seem to be helping. If you take less than prescribed, or you take it sporadically, it may not work as well or at all. If you have trouble remembering to take it every day, try using a pill box (which you can buy at a pharmacy), setting an alarm, or finding another way to remember. If you don’t want to take the medicine as prescribed because of side effects or because you have concerns about it, it’s better to discuss your concerns with your doctor, rather than stopping the medicine or not taking it as prescribed.

Try to be patient; SRIs usually begin to work gradually

Occasionally, the medication begins to work suddenly. Some people can pinpoint the day, or even the hour, that it starts working. But typically, it starts working gradually. People say things like “I felt a little better three days ago and today, but not for very long, so I don’t know if it’s really working.” Don’t get discouraged if the medicine takes a while to work and you get off to a slow start. With more time on the medicine, these brief intermittent spurts of improvement gradually develop into more sustained periods of well-being. Good hours gradually turn into entire good days. Good days then become good weeks, months, and years.

If you improve with an SRI, you’re likely to continue to feel well for as long as you take it

In my clinical experience, the vast majority of people who improve with an SRI continue to feel well over months and even years while taking the medication. Some patients I’ve treated have done well on the medication for more than a decade. In fact, many people say that the longer they take the SRI, the better they feel. I’ve found that about 40% of people who improve with an SRI in the first 3 months of treatment continue to improve even more over the next 6 months. I’ve also found that fewer than 10% of people who respond to an SRI experience a full return of their BDD symptoms while continuing to take the SRI.

Continue an effective SRI for a year or two, or even longer

Clinical guidelines recommend staying on an effective SRI for at least a year or two, even if you’re feeling better. You may want to stay on it longer than that, especially if you’ve tried stopping an SRI in the past and your symptoms returned, or if your BDD has been severe. A year or more of decreased symptoms can allow you to get back to work or do your job more effectively, socialize more, and start enjoying your life.

If you decide to stop an effective SRI, plan this carefully with your doctor

There’s no way to predict whether your symptoms will return if you stop an SRI. Some people assume that if they’ve had CBT while taking an SRI that they can safely stop the SRI, but this shouldn’t be assumed to be true; this, too, can’t be predicted, and your symptoms could return.

What to do about side effects, if they occur

Like all medications, the SRIs have the potential to cause side effects. In general, however, the SRIs are well tolerated. If side effects occur, they’re often quite minimal, and they may improve or disappear on their own with the passage of time. Most people have no side effects or fairly minimal and tolerable ones. Side effects are most likely to occur early in treatment (for example, within the first few weeks). This can be frustrating, because often the medicine hasn’t had a chance to work yet. It helps to be patient! But with more time, they may disappear. Side effects are also more likely to occur when the dose is raised.

Nonetheless, side effects can occur. Some of the more common ones are nausea, insomnia, feeling jittery, fatigue, sweating, decreased appetite, and decreased sex drive and sexual functioning (although sometimes sex drive and functioning improve with an SRI because people are no longer as depressed or self-conscious about their body). Clomipramine (Anafranil) can cause dry mouth and constipation. These side effects are tolerable for many people, and they go away after stopping the medication. None of the SRIs have life-threatening side effects. People with BDD who experience side effects are often willing to tolerate them because they so appreciate the symptom relief they obtain.

When side effects do occur, they can often be reduced. Here are a few possible approaches that you and your doctor can consider:

  1. Keep taking the medicine and wait: Often, side effects diminish or disappear simply with the passage of time, as your body adjusts to the medicine.
  2. Change the time the medicine is taken: Certain side effects may improve by doing this. For example, if an SRI makes you tired (which is pretty uncommon), this side effect may go away—and possibly improve your sleep—if you take it at bedtime instead of in the morning.
  3. Slow down the rate at which the dose is being raised: If your doctor is in the process of trying to raise your dose to get it high enough to work, one alternative is to slow down the rate at which the dose is being increased. This will give your body more time to adjust to the medicine. If and when the side effects become more tolerable, you can try raising the dose again.
  4. Lower the dose: If side effects are more problematic and not tolerable on the current dose, your doctor can slowly decrease the dose (while watching carefully for worsening of BDD or depressive symptoms) to see if side effects disappear. If they do, an attempt can then be made to increase the dose again if BDD symptoms are still present.
  5. Add other medications to try to counteract side effects: There are many potentially helpful options, depending on the side effect you’re experiencing.
  6. Try other options: Depending on the side effect, there are other options that may help. For example, if the medicine makes you feel jittery, lowering caffeine intake may help. Of if it causes some nausea, it may help to take the medicine with some food. Often, such strategies are helpful. If they aren’t, you and your doctor can consider trying another SRI. You may tolerate one better than another.
An important reminder:

Be sure your doctor knows you have BDD. Don’t just tell him or her that you have just depression or anxiety. A common clinical error is to focus treatment on depression rather than BDD. This often leads to use of an antidepressant other than an SRI, too brief an SRI trial, or an SRI dose that’s too low for BDD. In such cases, BDD (and the depression) may not improve. An effective medication regimen for depression won’t necessarily effectively treat BDD. However, an effective medication regimen for BDD will often effectively treat depression, whether or not the depression is due to BDD.

Post based on text by: Phillips, Katharine A. (2009-01-12). Understanding Body Dysmorphic Disorder Oxford University Press. 

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) Tagged With: Average Dose, BDD, Body, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Brand, Brand Name, Dosage, Efficacy, Generic, Generic Name, Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor, SNRI, SRI, SSRI, Studies, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

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