Depression Archives

Does BDD run in Families?

October 13, 2014 By Stephen

My body image concerns started at a young age when I struggled with acne, but my lack of confidence began way before this.

I remember a friend of mine in grade school making some off-handed comment about a generic Yankees baseball cap I was wearing and I felt self conscious for months.

I felt the same way about my hair, my clothes, my personality.

My grandmother may have had BDD.

She didn’t like to leave the house, she walked with her head down and she never would take photographs.

I never made much of this until the other day, I started to think about where my BDD may have come from, and if this could be an inherited trait.

I started to worry about my children.

Depression appears to have a strong genetic component possibly multiplied by a factor of 3 if you have a close relative with the condition.

What about Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Does it run in families?

Because BDD is not talked about as much and those who have it tend not to share their concerns, or identify it as such, it’s inheritance patterns are likely to go unnoticed.

This I am sure will change with time.

Last year, I swore there was a girl at my gym with BDD, or maybe I was simply trying to find somebody else to relate to. But I picked up on certain patterns.

She would obsess over mirrors and seem to avoid them at the same time. She was fit, but self conscious, she appeared a bit nervous and anxious. I saw myself in her.

How much of this did I put upon her to make myself feel better? I will never know, but it is the first time I realized that I may be able to spot people with BDD.

So I started looking.

It is hard to find, many are models, lawyers and doctors, people you would never suspect to have it.

Can you spot people with BDD? Can you see it in yourself? Do you suspect a family member of yours may have had it?
photo credit: Pulpolux

Internal Bleeding

October 6, 2014 By Stephen

I bleed from the inside

My organs fill up and choke, suffocated by blood, starving for oxygen.

Now it threatens to overtake my mind.

Each vessel leaks its own toxic mix of blood and bile.

When you bleed from the inside you bleed alone.

There is no bandage to help stop the bleeding

I try to apply pressure, but I can’t find the source

I will die from this

Every day is more of the same

The same self-hate, the same hell, the same anxiety and fear and restlessness

I wish I could want to die because then the bleeding would stop

I hold onto life and let everything else around me go

It is a pathetic sob story, wasting time

So I hope to bleed faster now, until I don’t feel a thing

Then finally the skin will feel soft, my scars will fade away

I will wake up, bathed in light and love and the warming hands of my creator.

photo credit: (Sarah Robinson)

Grief, Fear, Anger, Resentment, Depression, BDD – Is There Something Good in it?

December 20, 2013 By Stephen

What Appears to be a Problem is not Always a Problem.

It is an invitation to explore new positive possibilities.

What seems impossible is not entirely impossible. It is
challenging you to look at the situation from a different
perspective.

The obstacles that block you are also doing you a favor.
They are guiding you to become more creative, more
innovative, more determined and purposeful.

Each negative thing has a positive element. That’s because
you have the amazing ability to learn, to adapt, to create
and to transform life according to your unique, positive
vision.

There’s really no need to worry about what might or might
not come. For no matter what may come, there’s a way for you
to create more goodness and richness from it.

Enthusiastically embrace each moment with open arms.

There’s something good in it, waiting for you to bring it to life.

10 Months After my Facial Scar – Falling Back Into Old BDD Habits

May 2, 2013 By Stephen

Sometimes I just can’t believe it happened: The scar, the injury, the entire incident.

It doesn’t seem fair, but then again, life often isn’t. And we just have to accept these things as they are.

ON THE ROAD

I am away from home, on the road, in a hotel room. Alone with mirrors and overhead lights. I am around those looking to network, and I am again ashamed, disgusted with myself and wishing to crawl into a hole.

How long can I exist like this? I have to ask myself, because it seems already it has been and insufferable amount of time.

I have been researching scar revision surgery and have decided it is ultimately my best option. And, for this I had to consult with my wife, she just nods and is accepting. But this doesn’t help me decide if my desires for scar revision are based on the scar, or my perception of it.

And this is where BDD seems to have me. The inability to separate my truth from reality, and the awareness of this kills me. I just don’t know if this is vanity or not.

I scan everyone I see trying to find some type of imperfections in their face. I see none, but every-time I enter a bathroom with that overhead light I have to duck, and hide from the mirror. I have to dodge the glances of other peoples eyes, I have to hide here in my hotel room.

THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE

I have tried SSRI’s and this made matters worse. It is time to seek counsel I presume, maybe I will do this as part of my workup to surgery. My greatest fear is that the surgery will not provide me with the results I desire, and from that point I don’t know where or how to proceed.

I can tell you one thing, I hope never again to feel suicidal, although I can feel those thoughts pouring back in. But my defenses are up, and it seems that I am a lot better at blocking them.

SOCIAL OBLIGATIONS

I am visiting a good friend this weekend, one I haven’t seen in over a year. To top it off his entire family is going to be there. Baby steps I tell myself, it will be OK.

What is it I am so afraid of anyway? This is the other part of BDD, a lot of poor self esteem all wrapped up in a package. Why do I care about this gross imperfection? It is just part of me, it is not my fault… Although I don’t think I accept that as a truth.

STAR STRUCK

I was watching the news this morning and there was Lindsay Lohan. She was headed back into rehab. Then they cut to a newsflash that the original singer Chris Kelly from the kids R&B band Kris Kross had died of a drug overdose at the age of 34, he had performed on tour with another BDD sufferer Michael Jackson. Then my thoughts wen’t down the row of dead superstars who seemed to have all the good things in life.

What is wrong here? Something is wrong here, and I wonder if it affects me.

BAD HABITS

I started smoking again when I am away from home. This just makes me feel even more like shit, but there you have it, a self destructive behavior on top of a layer of self hatred. Fuck me!

I am at a medical conference but I stared in the mirror and decided to spend the last two hours in my hotel room. I am thinking of catching a movie and then going out to dinner. I am supposed to meet up with a colleague and his wife tomorrow for dinner, I hope I can get my nerve up.

TESTING MY “BDD” THEORIES

Every time I have tested my theories that my face sucks and nobody would want to hang out with me, or love me, or make love to me.. I have been proven wrong.

My wife doesn’t even seem to notice and my friends have not abandoned me. Hell they seem to not even notice. My parents are the same. People notice, and sometimes they even make a comment about my scar, but it is rare. My patients never say a thing, Maybe it is just a kind world I think, or maybe, just maybe some of this is in my mind.

Or maybe it doesn’t matter, it is just an external thing, and people have their own worries, which usually do not involve my face.

The Fog is Lifting – Turning Scars into Stars

November 16, 2012 By Stephen

I have learned not to trust my day-to-day feelings.

Over the years they have been known to deceive me. At times the feeling of joy and a lack of worry pervade.

At other times I am left to drown in the throes of deep depression. I don’t always know what tomorrow will bring.

Standing up instead of falling down

I stood up for myself last week at work. A colleague had been harsh regarding my scar. It left me depressed and afraid to leave my home.

Then my sister and wife reminded me that I don’t have to be a victim to these attacks. They reminded me that I have control to some degree over these hurtful comments… It is quite simple actually, you just need to ask them to stop.

Believe it or not, I wasn’t aware that this was an option. The fear and anxiety his comments provoked were paralyzing and I felt helpless to them. It may have been the feelings of helplessness that affected me most.

So, the following week when I saw him and he started to make a comment I simply asked him to stop. And that was it, it was if he didn’t realize comments about my facial scar would be hurtful. This surprised me maybe as much as him. I didn’t need to mention my BDD, why would I? I simply needed to ask him to stop. That gave me a power that before I did not know I had.

Getting off the Antidepressants for my BDD

I am not sure if this has been beneficial, but it certainly hasn’t hurt. And to some degree I am much happier off of them.

I am sleeping much better, and as I mentioned have been off of the Ambien.

Having treated many people with antidepressants I can definitely say they help some people more than others. For me they made me nauseas, effected my sleep and sex life in such negative ways that the side effects were outweighing the benefits.

Today is a new day

Today we are on a short trip away from home with the family. Yesterday I felt great, today I feel less great, but I feel better than the day before. For whatever it is worth, at least I don’t feel like hurting myself, and this is worth a lot.

As the cool November air replaces the sizzle of summer, I feel at peace. Sitting by a fire-place, enjoying coffee with family and friends, enjoying life.

BDD is a life suck, and a time suck. It detracts from life which is perfect. BDD is the result of our doubt… doubt that the way things are is the way things were meant to be. It is a result of our lack of control and our desire to control.

Life without BDD is just around the corner, it is out there… I just can’t seem to grab hold for long.