BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

10 Months After my Facial Scar – Falling Back Into Old BDD Habits

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Sometimes I just can’t believe it happened:  The scar, the injury, the entire incident.

It doesn’t seem fair, but then again, life often isn’t. And we just have to accept these things as they are.

ON THE ROAD

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I am away from home, on the road, in a hotel room. Alone with mirrors and overhead lights. I am around those looking to network, and I am again ashamed, disgusted with myself and wishing to crawl into a hole.

How long can I exist like this? I have to ask myself, because it seems already it has been and insufferable amount of time.

I have been researching scar revision surgery and have decided it is ultimately my best option. And, for this I had to consult with my wife, she just nods and is accepting. But this doesn’t help me decide if my desires for scar revision are based on the scar, or my perception of it.

And this is where BDD seems to have me. The inability to separate my truth from reality, and the awareness of this kills me. I just don’t know if this is vanity or not.

I scan everyone I see trying to find some type of imperfections in their face. I see none, but every-time I enter a bathroom with that overhead light I have to duck, and hide from the mirror. I have to dodge the glances of other peoples eyes, I have to hide here in my hotel room.

THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE

I have tried SSRI’s and this made matters worse. It is time to seek counsel I presume, maybe I will do this as part of my workup to surgery. My greatest fear is that the surgery will not provide me with the results I desire, and from that point I don’t know where or how to proceed.

I can tell you one thing, I hope never again to feel suicidal, although I can feel those thoughts pouring back in. But my defenses are up, and it seems that I am a lot better at blocking them.

SOCIAL OBLIGATIONS

I am visiting a good friend this weekend, one I haven’t seen in over a year. To top it off his entire family is going to be there. Baby steps I tell myself, it will be OK.

What is it I am so afraid of anyway? This is the other part of BDD, a lot of poor self esteem all wrapped up in a package. Why do I care about this gross imperfection? It is just part of me, it is not my fault… Although I don’t think I accept that as a truth.

STAR STRUCK

I was watching the news this morning and there was Lindsay Lohan. She was headed back into rehab. Then they cut to a newsflash that the original singer Chris Kelly from the kids R&B band Kris Kross had died of a drug overdose at the age of 34, he had performed on tour with another BDD sufferer Michael Jackson. Then my thoughts wen’t down the row of dead superstars who seemed to have all the good things in life.

What is wrong here? Something is wrong here, and I wonder if it affects me.

BAD HABITS

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I started smoking again when I am away from home. This just makes me feel even more like shit, but there you have it, a self destructive behavior on top of a layer of self hatred. Fuck me!

I am at a medical conference but I stared in the mirror and decided to spend the last two hours in my hotel room. I am thinking of catching a movie and then going out to dinner. I am supposed to meet up with a colleague and his wife tomorrow for dinner, I hope I can get my nerve up.

TESTING MY “BDD” THEORIES

Every time I have tested my theories that my face sucks and nobody would want to hang out with me, or love me, or make love to me.. I have been proven wrong.

My wife doesn’t even seem to notice and my friends have not abandoned me. Hell they seem to not even notice. My parents are the same. People notice, and sometimes they even make a comment about my scar, but it is rare. My patients never say a thing, Maybe it is just a kind world I think, or maybe, just maybe some of this is in my mind.

Or maybe it doesn’t matter, it is just an external thing, and people have their own worries, which usually do not involve my face.

My BDD – The Journey Begins Just as it Seems to End

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I have been missing out on a lot lately… because of my fears that revolve around my body image.

I have missed opportunities, or more often than not enjoyed them less than I feel I could have.

This is a shame, and this is an example of how I continue to let these body image concerns hamper my life experience.

Knowing Better

I know better than to let these extrinsic concerns dictate my happiness. But as you my reader may know this is easier said than done.

Last night I attended an event that I had been looking forward to for a while, I chose not to meet the speaker at the end.  Not because I didn’t want to but because at that moment I felt hideous.

And that just sucks. It sucks because we only live once and I know better. Yet I still sat in the background feeling sad, disgusting and gross to look at.

I can’t stop this feeling

I skipped my counseling appointment a month ago because I swore that I had overcome these thoughts. Yeah right.

As you probably know these thoughts linger, they disappear (kind of) and then they come back when you least expect it.

I have had years where I felt pretty darn good about myself. Where I woke up, took a deep breath and thought you know what Steve, you are a good-looking dude.

And my days were better because of this. But these extrinsic things continue to hold me back… There seems there will be no end.

Moving Forward

We are headed away this weekend on a family trip.  It is easy now being with family because I know they don’t care.

But I continue to act different outside of this close nit safe circle.  I am afraid to move too far outside of it.

Sometimes my fears are justified… A coworker who keeps commenting on my scar.  And then for some reason decided to point out other flaws on my face.

Patients who keep asking me “what happened to your face?”  Maybe most people would be horrified in these circumstances, but with my BDD it is noteworthy and at times leads me to contemplate suicide.

How stupid!

Baby Steps

This weekend I will:

  1. Not hide my face!
  2. Do What I Want to Do – not let my body image concerns dicated my life.
  3. Try not to hide in better light
  4. Try to face my fear of getting another haircut. These top down lights throw a horrible shadow on my scar, which can ruin my day. I need to develop some tools around this.

 

The Caveman – Hidden levels of discontent (a Poem by Stephen)

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Locking myself away, hoping for the world to quiet down.

Hoping for a new body, or a new mind, or preferably both.

The days blend into the doldrums of a windless ocean

It is here I sit

Looking for some degree of change.

Mostly I just want to be left alone, yet in today’s world this is an impossibility.

Surrounded by the motion of people spinning circles. We are all looking for meaning.

I know where happiness exists, I just don’t exist in it.

And from behind this window of discontent I sit and rot.

A mind wasting away, typing hear on this plastic keyboard.

I am sick of people, honestly I just want to be alone.

Yet in this feminine world, where social is the only “true” path to enlightenment. Quiet solitude is not allowed.

In the hills where I chose to run, there is no hiding.

Dirt, trees, the smell of fresh air, hidden from a job, from time from the responsibilities that are nothing but dead useless weight.

And then there is this face, this ugly disgusting hideous face.

It doesn’t deserve to be happy, it deserves only to be locked away.

Here the monster can not be unleashed, here my wife doesn’t have to touch it. Or see it.

Probably here, everyone is happy.

In the Cave, below the many hidden levels of discontent.

The Fog is Lifting – Turning Scars into Stars

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I have learned not to trust my day-to-day feelings.

Over the years they have been known to deceive me.  At times the feeling of joy and a lack of worry pervade.

At other times I am left to drown in the throes of deep depression.  I don’t always know what tomorrow will bring.

Standing up instead of falling down

I stood up for myself last week at work. A colleague had been harsh regarding my scar.  It left me depressed and afraid to leave my home.

Then my sister and wife reminded me that I don’t have to be a victim to these attacks.  They reminded me that I have control to some degree over these hurtful comments… It is quite simple actually, you just need to ask them to stop.

Believe it or not, I wasn’t aware that this was an option.  The fear and anxiety his comments provoked were paralyzing and I felt helpless to them.  It may have been the feelings of helplessness that affected me most.

So, the following week when I saw him and he started to make a comment I simply asked him to stop.  And that was it, it was if he didn’t realize comments about my facial scar would be hurtful. This surprised me maybe as much as him.  I didn’t need to mention my BDD, why would I?  I simply needed to ask him to stop. That gave me a power that before I did not know I had.

Getting off the Antidepressants for my BDD

I am not sure if this has been beneficial, but it certainly hasn’t hurt. And to some degree I am much happier off of them.

I am sleeping much better, and as I mentioned have been off of the Ambien.

Having treated many people with antidepressants I can definitely say they help some people more than others.  For me they made me nauseas, effected my sleep and sex life in such negative ways that the side effects were outweighing the benefits.

Today is a new day

Today we are on a short trip away from home with the family.  Yesterday I felt great, today I feel less great, but I feel better than the day before. For whatever it is worth, at least I don’t feel like hurting myself, and this is worth a lot.

As the cool November air replaces the sizzle of summer, I feel at peace. Sitting by a fire-place, enjoying coffee with family and friends, enjoying life.

BDD is a life suck, and a time suck.  It detracts from life which is perfect.  BDD is the result of our doubt… doubt that the way things are is the way things were meant to be.  It is a result of our lack of control and our desire to control.

Life without BDD is just around the corner, it is out there… I just can’t seem to grab hold for long.

Going off Lexapro for my BDD: More Sleep and Better Sex!

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I won’t lie, I had wonderful sex with my wife last night.  This was so needed, and I am telling you this because the Lexapro ruined my ability to achieve an orgasm.

This was upsetting, yes I know I was taking it to feel better, but the Lexapro was not making me feel better. I increased my dose up to 20mg (as was recommended) but I felt worse.

I developed diarrhea, and bad GI side effects. I started to have bad headaches and felt nauseous.

I didn’t even realize that this was all from the medicine until I weaned myself off and started to feel better.

The SSRI Myth?

I know I did not follow protocol for the treatment of BDD with my SSRI.  Maybe because I am a skeptic to begin with.  I prescribe a lot of these medications and was happy I could try them. I was glad they were available to me as an option.

I did believe that they could help, until they didn’t.

I not only had good sex, but I also slept great the last two nights this was such a break from the constant insomnia. And I was happy to be off the Ambien. I am hoping to stay this way.

The Poem That Changed My Life

I am not sure why I feel better. It may go back to a poem I read and posted last week. A poem that reminds us that life is not a “dress rehearsal.” This was powerful.

Maybe posting the picture of my scar helped. Maybe taking the time to read about others with facial scars. Or maybe it was somewhere on my long run through the woods that it just didn’t seem as important.

What people cared about me, or how I felt about myself, just didn’t seem as important.

Maybe it was good to go out for drinks with my sister! Despite drinking too much as treatment of depression, getting out and testing my theories with exposure always helps.

Life After Lexapro

I am taking 6000 IU of vitamin D3 and Nordic Naturals Ultimate Omega.  There is research that shows higher levels of DHA (that are part of an Omega supplement) can work as well as conventional prescription antidepressants.

Or possibly so could Botulism Toxin!

I am feeling well on the above combo, sleeping better and I have more energy. There is something to be said about natural cures for BDD. Most definitely a future post.