I have been missing out on a lot lately… because of my fears that revolve around my body image.
I have missed opportunities, or more often than not enjoyed them less than I feel I could have.
This is a shame, and this is an example of how I continue to let these body image concerns hamper my life experience.
Knowing Better
I know better than to let these extrinsic concerns dictate my happiness. But as you my reader may know this is easier said than done.
Last night I attended an event that I had been looking forward to for a while, I chose not to meet the speaker at the end. Not because I didn’t want to but because at that moment I felt hideous.
And that just sucks. It sucks because we only live once and I know better. Yet I still sat in the background feeling sad, disgusting and gross to look at.
I can’t stop this feeling
I skipped my counseling appointment a month ago because I swore that I had overcome these thoughts. Yeah right.
As you probably know these thoughts linger, they disappear (kind of) and then they come back when you least expect it.
I have had years where I felt pretty darn good about myself. Where I woke up, took a deep breath and thought you know what Steve, you are a good-looking dude.
And my days were better because of this. But these extrinsic things continue to hold me back… There seems there will be no end.
Moving Forward
We are headed away this weekend on a family trip. It is easy now being with family because I know they don’t care.
But I continue to act differently outside of this close-knit safe circle. I am afraid to move too far outside of it.
Sometimes my fears are justified… A coworker who keeps commenting on my scar. And then for some reason decided to point out other flaws on my face.
Patients who keep asking me “what happened to your face?” Maybe most people would be horrified in these circumstances, but with my BDD it is noteworthy and at times leads me to contemplate suicide.
How stupid!
Baby Steps
This weekend I will:
- Not hide my face!
- Do What I Want to Do – not let my body image concerns dictate my life.
- Try not to hide in better light
- Try to face my fear of getting another haircut. These top-down lights throw a horrible shadow on my scar, which can ruin my day. I need to develop some tools around this.
