BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

Contact | About | Resources Archives

This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Powered by Genesis

Coming Back for More

December 13, 2013 By Stephen

No Matter what I do it is there, it is always there, it is prodding me, poking me, tormenting me.

“It” whatever “it” is has stolen my life.

And you don’t deserve to have it. Who are you anyway and where did you come from?

I am not sure I was ever whole, but how dare you relegate me to the sidelines.

How dare you have the audacity to think you run things here.

This is my life, and you, “it” can go fuck yourself.

I will call you BDD because that is the name they give you.

Honestly, it doesn’t really matter to me, you are just an evil mother fucker in my book who has stolen my life from me.

Yours, is a self conscious, ego-centric world that I don’t live in.

But you have cuffed me and chained me to this.

You are my abuser that I can’t let go of.

And I keep coming back for more.

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Poems Tagged With: BDD

To Live

December 13, 2013 By Stephen

medium_3233086359

Somewhere down there deep inside of me there is this small little man.

And he is hurting, and I can’t get to him.

He is in pain and I cannot comfort him.

He needs to be told everything is going to be OK, but he is crying.

He feels more than I do, so I have taken over day-to-day functioning.

I have shut him out, created a box so that I can go on living. But I cannot feel, so I am mostly dead.

The only part of me that lives is in the box and this keeps me going.

Why do you hurt? Why can’t I comfort you? Why are you so afraid?

It is better to be outside the box, because where you are is dark, it is cold and it is a world for the dead.

I cannot live with you inside this box.

I am just a shell, a soulless human being roaming the world looking for guidance.

But in this damaged, soulless self there is life, waiting to be set free.

You are writing this letter, I know you are there, please do not cry you are loved, you need not fear anymore because I’ve got your back. I will hold you and when the world looks upon us, it is you that they will see.

And I will fade into the background where I belong.

A lifeless shell, damaged for sure, animated by the smallest intentions to keep you alive.

So that you may once again be free.

To love, to laugh..

To live.

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Poems Tagged With: OK

Serotonin-Reuptake Inhibitors in the Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

August 1, 2013 By Stephen

Most commonly used serotonin-reuptake inhibitors used in the treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and the average effective dosages based on clinical studies:

You can read more about augmenting SSRI’s in the treatment of BDD if a single agent is not effective.

Generic Name Brand Name Average Dose (milligrams per day)*
Citalopram Celexa 66
Escitalopram Lexapro 29
Fluoxetine Prozac 67
Fluvoxamine Luvox 308
Paraxetine Paxil 55
Setraline Zoloft 202
Clomipramine Anafranil 203

How to dose an SSRI in BDD

There’s no one-size-fits-all formula; dosing will depend on a number of factors. The most tolerable dosing strategy is to start with a low dose and gradually increase the dose while monitoring for side effects.

So, for example, if you try escitalopram (Lexapro), the usual starting dose is 10 mg a day. After 2 weeks or so, assuming you’re tolerating it well, you could raise it to 20 mg a day. After 2 to 3 weeks on 20 mg a day, you could then raise it to 30 mg a day, unless you’re already starting to improve or are having problematic side effects.

For fluoxetine (Prozac), the usual starting dose is 20 mg per day. After taking this dose for 2 weeks or so you could raise the dose to 40 mg a day. After another 2 to 3 weeks you could raise it to 60 mg/day, and then raise it to 80 mg a day after another 2 to 3 weeks, unless you’re getting better on a lower dose or are having trouble with side effects. But these dosing schedules are only general guidelines.

Generally, I recommend raising the dose more quickly for people who are severely ill and are tolerating the medicine well. Patients who are closely monitored during hospitalization can also have their dose raised more quickly than described above.

Conversely, it makes sense to raise the dose more slowly if you start substantially improving on a lower dose (because you may not need to raise it further) or if you’re having trouble with side effects. Your preference also matters.

A reasonable goal, however, is to reach the maximum dose that the manufacturer recommends (if a lower dose isn’t already working) within 4 to 9 weeks of starting the medicine.

Don’t give up on an SRI until you’ve tried it for at least 12 to 16 weeks, while reaching a high enough dose during that time

To see if a particular SRI will work for you, it’s important to try it for a total of at least 12 to 16 weeks, while reaching a high dose if possible (unless a lower dose works for you) for at least 3 of those weeks. This is called an “adequate” trial. The trial is considered “inadequate” if you don’t reach a high enough dose or if you try the medicine for less than a total of 3 months. An inadequate trial may not be sufficient to successfully treat BDD.

Studies indicate that the vast majority (nearly 90%) of SRI treatments that people with BDD receive aren’t optimal (reaching the highest dose) for this disorder. And two-thirds of SRI treatments that are received aren’t even minimally adequate for BDD.

You need to take the medicine every day as prescribed

It’s very important to take the medication every day, exactly as prescribed, even if it doesn’t seem to be helping. If you take less than prescribed, or you take it sporadically, it may not work as well or at all. If you have trouble remembering to take it every day, try using a pill box (which you can buy at a pharmacy), setting an alarm, or finding another way to remember. If you don’t want to take the medicine as prescribed because of side effects or because you have concerns about it, it’s better to discuss your concerns with your doctor, rather than stopping the medicine or not taking it as prescribed.

Try to be patient; SRIs usually begin to work gradually

Occasionally, the medication begins to work suddenly. Some people can pinpoint the day, or even the hour, that it starts working. But typically, it starts working gradually. People say things like “I felt a little better three days ago and today, but not for very long, so I don’t know if it’s really working.” Don’t get discouraged if the medicine takes a while to work and you get off to a slow start. With more time on the medicine, these brief intermittent spurts of improvement gradually develop into more sustained periods of well-being. Good hours gradually turn into entire good days. Good days then become good weeks, months, and years.

If you improve with an SRI, you’re likely to continue to feel well for as long as you take it

In my clinical experience, the vast majority of people who improve with an SRI continue to feel well over months and even years while taking the medication. Some patients I’ve treated have done well on the medication for more than a decade. In fact, many people say that the longer they take the SRI, the better they feel. I’ve found that about 40% of people who improve with an SRI in the first 3 months of treatment continue to improve even more over the next 6 months. I’ve also found that fewer than 10% of people who respond to an SRI experience a full return of their BDD symptoms while continuing to take the SRI.

Continue an effective SRI for a year or two, or even longer

Clinical guidelines recommend staying on an effective SRI for at least a year or two, even if you’re feeling better. You may want to stay on it longer than that, especially if you’ve tried stopping an SRI in the past and your symptoms returned, or if your BDD has been severe. A year or more of decreased symptoms can allow you to get back to work or do your job more effectively, socialize more, and start enjoying your life.

If you decide to stop an effective SRI, plan this carefully with your doctor

There’s no way to predict whether your symptoms will return if you stop an SRI. Some people assume that if they’ve had CBT while taking an SRI that they can safely stop the SRI, but this shouldn’t be assumed to be true; this, too, can’t be predicted, and your symptoms could return.

What to do about side effects, if they occur

Like all medications, the SRIs have the potential to cause side effects. In general, however, the SRIs are well tolerated. If side effects occur, they’re often quite minimal, and they may improve or disappear on their own with the passage of time. Most people have no side effects or fairly minimal and tolerable ones. Side effects are most likely to occur early in treatment (for example, within the first few weeks). This can be frustrating, because often the medicine hasn’t had a chance to work yet. It helps to be patient! But with more time, they may disappear. Side effects are also more likely to occur when the dose is raised.

Nonetheless, side effects can occur. Some of the more common ones are nausea, insomnia, feeling jittery, fatigue, sweating, decreased appetite, and decreased sex drive and sexual functioning (although sometimes sex drive and functioning improve with an SRI because people are no longer as depressed or self-conscious about their body). Clomipramine (Anafranil) can cause dry mouth and constipation. These side effects are tolerable for many people, and they go away after stopping the medication. None of the SRIs have life-threatening side effects. People with BDD who experience side effects are often willing to tolerate them because they so appreciate the symptom relief they obtain.

When side effects do occur, they can often be reduced. Here are a few possible approaches that you and your doctor can consider:

  1. Keep taking the medicine and wait: Often, side effects diminish or disappear simply with the passage of time, as your body adjusts to the medicine.
  2. Change the time the medicine is taken: Certain side effects may improve by doing this. For example, if an SRI makes you tired (which is pretty uncommon), this side effect may go away—and possibly improve your sleep—if you take it at bedtime instead of in the morning.
  3. Slow down the rate at which the dose is being raised: If your doctor is in the process of trying to raise your dose to get it high enough to work, one alternative is to slow down the rate at which the dose is being increased. This will give your body more time to adjust to the medicine. If and when the side effects become more tolerable, you can try raising the dose again.
  4. Lower the dose: If side effects are more problematic and not tolerable on the current dose, your doctor can slowly decrease the dose (while watching carefully for worsening of BDD or depressive symptoms) to see if side effects disappear. If they do, an attempt can then be made to increase the dose again if BDD symptoms are still present.
  5. Add other medications to try to counteract side effects: There are many potentially helpful options, depending on the side effect you’re experiencing.
  6. Try other options: Depending on the side effect, there are other options that may help. For example, if the medicine makes you feel jittery, lowering caffeine intake may help. Of if it causes some nausea, it may help to take the medicine with some food. Often, such strategies are helpful. If they aren’t, you and your doctor can consider trying another SRI. You may tolerate one better than another.
An important reminder:

Be sure your doctor knows you have BDD. Don’t just tell him or her that you have just depression or anxiety. A common clinical error is to focus treatment on depression rather than BDD. This often leads to use of an antidepressant other than an SRI, too brief an SRI trial, or an SRI dose that’s too low for BDD. In such cases, BDD (and the depression) may not improve. An effective medication regimen for depression won’t necessarily effectively treat BDD. However, an effective medication regimen for BDD will often effectively treat depression, whether or not the depression is due to BDD.

Post based on text by: Phillips, Katharine A. (2009-01-12). Understanding Body Dysmorphic Disorder Oxford University Press. 

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) Tagged With: Average Dose, BDD, Body, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Brand, Brand Name, Dosage, Efficacy, Generic, Generic Name, Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor, SNRI, SRI, SSRI, Studies, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

Before You Pull The Trigger – Try Putting the Gun Away

July 19, 2013 By Stephen

Trigger: A small device that releases a spring or catch and so sets off a mechanism, esp. in order to fire a gun.

Pull-The-Trigger

I had to pull down the mirror in our bathroom last night.

That is truly a sad state of affairs. But I did this in an effort to remove my TRIGGERS:  Those things in my life that hold me back, that ruin my day, that work against me.

HOW TO FIND YOUR TRIGGERS

Finding triggers for BDD is simple. All you have to do is think about the times where you give into your obsessive and hateful self talk and then identify what you were doing right before that moment.

For me, my triggers are:

  1. In the car (I tend to look in the rear view mirror and check my scar)
  2. In car windows: I can see the atrophic nature of my scar even worse here, it is one of the most abusive acts I do to myself. But I still can’t stop.
  3. In other reflective surfaces such as laptops and cellphones: Just like car windows this reflective surface tends to over-accentuate my scar.
  4. In areas of commerce: I can’t go clothes shopping, because the overhead lights in combination with mirrors is the worst.
  5. Close up photos: Eek! I always focus on my facial defect.

The majority of my unhappiness with myself comes from ideals and expectations that are built upon fantasies. And I am aware of this. Yet the above triggers are aspects of the world I would be better without. But as you already know, this is usually an impossibility.

REMOVING TRIGGERS

As I mentioned, last night I took down our bathroom mirror. This involved a power driver and some precision. As I lifted it away and put it into storage I took one last hateful stare at myself. Took a deep breath, and let it go.

It felt good to put away that hateful mirror. It was like punching a bully in the face, and then sending him out to pasture.

My wife woke up the next morning with an empty wall, and my kids asked where the mirror had gone. I told my wife the truth, I haven’t told my kids anything.

IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT PEOPLE THINK

Framing-My-Self-Image

I tell my kids that it is not their job in life to gain the approval of others.

That they need to develop a strong identity, and self worth. One that is not based on the opinions of others, but grounded in the fact that they are unique, beautiful and perfect the way they are.

And here I sit.

It is a dichotomy that fails to cure. With BDD I can clearly understand the nature of contentment, yet I am unable to find a place for it in my own life.

YOU CAN’T CONTROL THE WORLD

Guess what, I can’t remove all the worlds mirrors, just as I can’t break all the windows in my car (although sometimes I want to).

And this may be where Body Dysmorphic Disorder is like an addiction.

If you are an alcoholic, you can stop drinking, but you can’t remove all the alcohol in the world. If you are a smoker, you can stop smoking but there will always be cigarettes.  If you are addicted to internet porn, you can stop frequenting your favorite adult websites, but there will always be another popup.

So removing triggers is not always a viable solution. But I do believe it can help.

I told my wife that my goal is to bring the mirror back.  And that may be a defining moment in my life. In fact now I am using it as a goal.

To bring the mirror back, to stare my “bully” in the eye and say fuck you, I love myself!

Best,

Stephen

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: BDD, beauty, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, overcoming, Self Worth, triggers

DISQUIETING

July 4, 2013 By Stephen

Forceful Feelings [1]

I can feel it on my face. The deep, open crevice of  my scar.

I can feel it stretching, tugging, retching.

For the first several months after the injury I attributed this to the process of healing and the formation of new cartilage. But now I know it is in my mind.

How do I know this?

Because I feel it at times when I am my most vulnerable, when I am my most self conscious.  Otherwise it is just there not bothering anyone.

We have been on vacation as a family for the 4th of July weekend. And here at the resort I have had a break from my scar.

I woke up twice this week and the thought didn’t even cross my mind, I just woke up, threw on a hat and interacted with the world.

And you know what? No one was horrified.

It wasn’t until I returned back to our room that I realized I had forgotten about my scar.

For the first time I didn’t notice peoples eyes gravitating towards it, for the first time I had a conversation without thinking about it.

SO HOW THE HELL DO I GET RID OF IT?

Disqueting

The thing that upsets me most about BDD is that no matter how much I know that it is in my mind, I cannot escape it.

Especially when I can actually feel it.

I was having a nice conversation at a nearby winery with my wife and a couple who was visiting the states from the Netherlands. It was at this point in time I could feel my scar, it started when I took my hat off, when I knew that my facial defect would catch the overhead lights. It is like a trigger for me.

And I could feel it tugging at me, I could feel all my self hate and all the emotion pouring into the scar. And it sat there like a curse on me. My thoughts wondered, I dodged the light and I scanned the faces of those around me. “Great” I thought, “they don’t seem to notice I must be OK.” So I reached for some more wine.

I am drinking it now as I write this, and alone, here in the hotel room I feel the relief that wine and seclusion can give me. A moment of calm… Disquieting.

THE GREAT ESCAPE

Solitude On Indigo Lake

Here on vacation, here at the lake life is slow. The days are hot, we just relax and take it all in.

I have had time to let my mind relax as well, to give all my attention to my family, where it belongs.

I wonder why my family still loves me with this scar, but I am ever more thankful. I am thankful for my wife’s love and my children’s hugs and kisses. I think about those who suffer from BDD who may lack this family support, and I worry about them.

Note: If this is you, please know that I love you, I hear your pain through these pages, and please know that there is healing for us, we will do this together.

I am thankful for these mornings when I wake up without the concerns that weigh me down constantly. It give me hope that somewhere in this mess there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

One where I will wake up and not judge myself so harshly.

One where I can live in the hearts and minds of others and away from the prison that is my mind, the gruesome tug of body dysmorphic disorder.

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: Attention, BDD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Disquieting, Feelings, OK, Pain, Physical, Scar

  • « Previous Page
  • 1
  • …
  • 11
  • 12
  • 13
  • 14
  • 15
  • …
  • 19
  • Next Page »