Scar Archives - BDD SUCKS

The Mask of Vanilla Skies – Understanding Body Dysmorphic Disorder

September 12, 2016 By Stephen

Intrigued by a scene of Tom Cruise disfigured after a car accident, I paid $2.99 to rent Vanilla Sky on Amazon Prime.

In the movie, Tom Cruise portrays a rich entitled playboy who inherited his father’s multi-million dollar business and is disfigured in a car accident.

Because his top-notch team of surgeons cannot reconstruct his face he is provided with a “facial prosthesis” (i.e a mask) to wear while he learns to accept his new appearance.

I could relate, after my facial laceration, I wore a facial prosthesis in the form of a bandaid for several weeks.

I would hesitate to pull it off, and when I had it on my cheek I felt protected and safe.

From this standpoint it made sense, but the reaction of course to Tom and his mask is understandable.

Expressionless, yet flawless, the mask does very little except protect his ego

And sure enough, when Tom removes it, he is on the receiving end of taunts, pity, and free shots of tequila.

It doesn’t help that the disfigurement turns him into an A+ rated ass-hole.

It isn’t the scar that makes him mean, angry and hateful. It is his reaction to his circumstances.

Regardless, I wanted so much to have a facial prosthesis.

As the movie progresses Tom discovers that his team of surgeons has a new incredible procedure that will render him scar-free.

He takes the “purple pill” and awakes perfectly reconstructed… He has a lot of wonderful sex with his partner “Sofia” played by Penelope Cruz. His life becomes full again, he is happy, he is with friends, he is out and about. He receives the respect and envy of his colleagues.

I won’t give away the ending, but the movie makes a point… Disfigured, Tom’s life is a living hell, yet when the scars are gone his life is complete.

This is the fear many of us suffer with every day as we awake to our BDD

There is a bathroom scene in the movie that I live every day. After my injury I would wake at night, turn on the light and pray that it was all a bad dream. Which of course it was not… Unlike Tom in Vanilla Sky, I have to find a way to live, make a life with my disfigurement.

With my BDD this is so much harder because now I do have something to obsess about, to identify as the root cause of my pain and suffering and social anxiety.

For a large part of the movie, I was hoping that the medical team had played a mind trick on Tom, convincing him that he wasn’t actually scarred, hacking his mirrors, and showing that disfigurement is all in the mind. Proving, once and for all, that how we perceive our face matters more than what we actually look like.

This would have been a better take-home message from the movie.

But Vanilla Sky falls short in this regard, and although it is a thoughtful critique, the movie simply reinforces many of the stereotypes that make me want a facial prosthesis in the first place.

Laser Treatments for facial scars – Do they work?

October 10, 2014 By Stephen

$fractional laser therapy for facial scars$

You see images like this all the time. But are they for real?

I have talked a lot about my facial scars on this blog.

I blame them for the resurgence of my BDD and I also blame them for the inescapable nature of the beast.

I blame them for my ugliness and my shame

I blame them for my fear of face to face casual conversation. Something I used to look forward to prior to the unfortunate events.

What is really to blame?

I am pragmatic enough to know that facial scars alone are not enough to stop anybody from doing anything, it is not the scar but my attitude towards the scar that proves disabling

That being said, I did give laser treatment a try, in hopes that it would help decrease the scar, and give me my life back.

The results?

I had 3 treatments of fractal laser on my cheek scar and my recent nose scar.

They helped some, according to my wife it was noticeable, according to me it is “what it is”, but better than nothing at all.

The shave biopsy scar on my nose is vascular so the laser didn’t help to the degree I had hoped, but time will tell, especially as the scar tissue starts to develop some more and the redness fades.

The Paucity of Information on Facial Scars

As a medical practitioner I have been horrified by the lack of information there is on facial scars and facial scar treatments.

It is something we didn’t learn about in our medical training. We learned how to do very basic interrupted sutures, we learned how to take these out later.

But facial scars last a lifetime, not just the few minutes a person is in the exam room with us.

When I saw the dermatologist about the small growth on my nose he took a shave biopsy and said “no big deal”. For me it is a big deal and is having a serious impact on my life. He cut too deep and left a depressed hypertrophic scar that went into the subdermis which is vascular and now created a red circle on my nose.

When I saw the ER PA who placed 7 poorly done interrupted sutures in my face saying she wouldn’t be able to bring in a plastic surgeon, she lied and she was just trying to get me out of there as quickly as possible. This had long-term consequences and took 20 minutes of her time.

When I asked the professionals if there was anything I could do to make these facial scars better they said no.

When I went online to do some research I found that laser therapy done early can have a big impact, done later (in my case 18 months) it is not nearly as effective.

I also found out that you do not need to close a wound so quickly, in the case of a facial laceration there are techniques that can drastically reduce scaring especially with appropriate follow-up care. So I could have walked out of that ER and waited for a plastic surgeon who could have provided me with a much better outcome.

Lying to my Face

People have a tendency to act like they know all the answers even when they don’t.

I now really regret consulting a dermatologist about my scars. The dermatologist I saw had no idea bout laser therapy but said it would change my skin pigmentation, that it would make it worse, that there was nothing that could be done.

Of course none of this was true. She knew nothing about laser treatment and was speaking out of her ass.

I got a free consult a year later and that is when I found out there are options.

Laser Therapy

I assume there are good laser treatment centers and bad ones. I found one simply by using Google, calling and signing up for a free consultation. The nurse who runs the fractal laser machine sat down with me and right away said I could see a 30% improvement of my deep cheek scar and probably some noticeable improvement on my nose as well. It would take multiple treatments and it was $50 per treatment. Very reasonable!

The treatments took 10 minutes each, Each treatment was separated by 30 days but a minimum of 2 weeks is necessary, and like I said, there has been improvement.

How much of this was from the laser versus simply time, I will never know.

I will post pictures here in due time, when I am ready.

But, if you have had any type of facial scaring I would say at least for now, that you should consult a laser treatment center to see if there is something they can do. You really have nothing to lose.

Some Recommendations for Laser Therapy and Facial Scars

Try to find a center that will give you a free consult. Ask how long they have been doing their job, what their experience is with treating these types of scars.
The nurse who did my 3 treatments was amazing. She promised me she could not make it worse (which was my biggest fear) and she was right. It did only get better. I trusted her, and I trusted her judgement.
If you have a recent scar, also it is a good time to seek consult maybe 2 weeks or so after they have pulled the stitches. The fractal lasers can promote colleen synthesis and speed up healing, so often, as was in my case, sooner is better than later.

I caution you against believing medical practitioners, even specialists such as dermatologists regarding laser treatments. They know nothing about laser therapy and they will lead you astray. Contact a specialist or even a plastics office that does laser treatments and see your options.

There is some hope out there if you have had facial scaring. Yes, I still have BDD, but seeing improvement in my scars has helped, and I think this is a much better option than scar revisions or plastic surgery, which often can make matters worse!

Just look at Michael Jackson.

Overcoming BDD with Manly Makeup – The Great Cover-UP

May 22, 2014 By Stephen

18 months ago after I sustained my first facial laceration my wife tried to help by purchasing a product called “foundation”. I think I am spelling that right?

Her intentions were good, but unfortunately the idea of covering my inch long cheek scar with a female skin care product horrified me quiet possibly more than the scar itself.

So I threw it in a drawer and forgot about it.

Then I had the skin biopsy of my nose 3 weeks ago to check for cancer. A disaster of new epic proportions which has left a dime size dark red hyper-pigmented lesion on the bridge of my nose.

I spent the first two weeks in denial as I was able to cover it up with a band-aid. This was very reminiscent of my first facial laceration a year ago.

But there comes a time where you have to pull off the band aid.

As a BDD’er this is traumatic. Because revealing to the world this facial “flaw” is absolutely devastating.

I am not sure why it is so devastating for me. I am not sure if this is a side effect of my perfectionism or what exactly it is about revealing these facial lesions that petrifies me so much.

I took the band aid off and tried to make it through a Sunday. I couldn’t, and found myself on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Because I had taken a week off work already, I had to go back the next day.

Honestly, I was considering putting in my resignation letter or faking some type of emergency but I couldn’t. This redness will take months to resolve. And it may even need a course of laser therapy to reduce the scarring.

I was pissed at the Physician Assistant who did the skin biopsy because he didn’t really tell me what he was doing and he didn’t mention anything about scarring. I felt duped, angry and wishing to go back in time. I still do.

But what I did next helped.

I remembered that makeup my wife had bought a year ago and wondered if it could cover this flatter, discolored scar on my nose.

So I went to the bathroom found and opened the jar, dabbed it on the tip of my nose and “wala”… It was so much better!

I have spent the last three days at work with makeup on my nose, a horrifying thought for a man like myself, I had night sweats thinking about somebody discovering this but it doesn’t really matter because believe it or not this got me through the week.

I won’t lie and say I wasn’t thinking about it constantly. Since I work in family practice medicine I am up close with patients all day and I really feared that one of them would see the makeup and make a comment, but it didn’t happen.

I worried that my coworkers would spot it and laugh at me. But this did not happen. I worried that I would accidentally wipe it off and make a complete fool out of myself and it didn’t happen.

I made it through the week and I am proud (or maybe not I don’t know) that I did it wearing manly makeup.

I am hoping that I will be able to laugh about this someday as I look back on it. But I think the key thing here is that you just have to do whatever it takes to make it through the day.

I had to swallow a lot of my pride when I put foundation on my nose. I am going out tonight to a bar with some friends and I am going to swallow my pride again as I dabble this on my nose and try to keep the beer glass rim from affecting my cover up. I can’t believe I just said that…. That is very not manly

But I am going to go out damn it, and I am not going to let this red mark or any other perceived deformity ruin my life any longer. Or at least to the degree that it has thus far.

I haven’t talked about it on the blog but our family is headed out on a round the world trip in just 3 months. This scar seemed poorly timed.

No matter how hard I have tried to see the good in it it has been difficult. I have prayed a lot on it, and I am not sure I really believe in prayer btw but I prayed anyway and I have found some answers if there are to be any.

One thing I have noticed is that with the new scar on my nose it has taken mental attention away from the scar on my cheek. There has been a certain amount of freedom with this… This has come as a total surprise.

The other thing I learned is that this thing called foundation is a pretty powerful tool and I am sure that this is what all the screen actors and professional models use. So when I compare myself to the world of the bold and the beautiful I am realizing that they probably also have facial flaws that they are hiding, and they aren’t as perfect as I have always figured them to be.

So there you have it, here is a story about a man wearing makeup and I am telling it because if you are a man with BDD and there is an area that is keeping you from living try some makeup it might help.

Is it a good long term solution? I don’t know maybe it is just worsening my BDD. But either way for now it seems to be helping and at least I am getting out of the house.

I am going to end with a daily gratitude:

1. I am grateful for my wife and children who shower me with their epic love and support despite my flaws.

2. I am so grateful for my best friend who I opened up to about my BDD last week. His support is proof positive that none of this bull shit self hate crap will stop the world from being full of wonderful people who don’t see you for your looks but see use for who we are inside… All beautiful people.

3. I am grateful for cover girl or whatever brand of makeup this stuff is… My God does it work well and it saved my last week and quite possibly my job. I will have to write the company a nice letter, and let them know that all that animal testing they do may actually do some good in this world.

4. And once again if you are reading this I am thankful for you. Know that you are loved for who you are, I see you, I know your there and quite possibly hurting and I want you to know that you are not alone. Also, that whatever pain or despair you may carry deep inside it will get better. BDD does not own your time, do not let it take your life… together we do have the power to overcome BDD!

– Stephen

DISQUIETING

July 4, 2013 By Stephen

I can feel it on my face. The deep, open crevice of my scar.

I can feel it stretching, tugging, retching.

For the first several months after the injury I attributed this to the process of healing and the formation of new cartilage. But now I know it is in my mind.

How do I know this?

Because I feel it at times when I am my most vulnerable, when I am my most self conscious. Otherwise it is just there not bothering anyone.

We have been on vacation as a family for the 4th of July weekend. And here at the resort I have had a break from my scar.

I woke up twice this week and the thought didn’t even cross my mind, I just woke up, threw on a hat and interacted with the world.

And you know what? No one was horrified.

It wasn’t until I returned back to our room that I realized I had forgotten about my scar.

For the first time I didn’t notice peoples eyes gravitating towards it, for the first time I had a conversation without thinking about it.

SO HOW THE HELL DO I GET RID OF IT?

The thing that upsets me most about BDD is that no matter how much I know that it is in my mind, I cannot escape it.

Especially when I can actually feel it.

I was having a nice conversation at a nearby winery with my wife and a couple who was visiting the states from the Netherlands. It was at this point in time I could feel my scar, it started when I took my hat off, when I knew that my facial defect would catch the overhead lights. It is like a trigger for me.

And I could feel it tugging at me, I could feel all my self hate and all the emotion pouring into the scar. And it sat there like a curse on me. My thoughts wondered, I dodged the light and I scanned the faces of those around me. “Great” I thought, “they don’t seem to notice I must be OK.” So I reached for some more wine.

I am drinking it now as I write this, and alone, here in the hotel room I feel the relief that wine and seclusion can give me. A moment of calm… Disquieting.

THE GREAT ESCAPE

Here on vacation, here at the lake life is slow. The days are hot, we just relax and take it all in.

I have had time to let my mind relax as well, to give all my attention to my family, where it belongs.

I wonder why my family still loves me with this scar, but I am ever more thankful. I am thankful for my wife’s love and my children’s hugs and kisses. I think about those who suffer from BDD who may lack this family support, and I worry about them.

Note: If this is you, please know that I love you, I hear your pain through these pages, and please know that there is healing for us, we will do this together.

I am thankful for these mornings when I wake up without the concerns that weigh me down constantly. It give me hope that somewhere in this mess there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

One where I will wake up and not judge myself so harshly.

One where I can live in the hearts and minds of others and away from the prison that is my mind, the gruesome tug of body dysmorphic disorder.

10 Months After my Facial Scar – Falling Back Into Old BDD Habits

May 2, 2013 By Stephen

Sometimes I just can’t believe it happened: The scar, the injury, the entire incident.

It doesn’t seem fair, but then again, life often isn’t. And we just have to accept these things as they are.

ON THE ROAD

I am away from home, on the road, in a hotel room. Alone with mirrors and overhead lights. I am around those looking to network, and I am again ashamed, disgusted with myself and wishing to crawl into a hole.

How long can I exist like this? I have to ask myself, because it seems already it has been and insufferable amount of time.

I have been researching scar revision surgery and have decided it is ultimately my best option. And, for this I had to consult with my wife, she just nods and is accepting. But this doesn’t help me decide if my desires for scar revision are based on the scar, or my perception of it.

And this is where BDD seems to have me. The inability to separate my truth from reality, and the awareness of this kills me. I just don’t know if this is vanity or not.

I scan everyone I see trying to find some type of imperfections in their face. I see none, but every-time I enter a bathroom with that overhead light I have to duck, and hide from the mirror. I have to dodge the glances of other peoples eyes, I have to hide here in my hotel room.

THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE

I have tried SSRI’s and this made matters worse. It is time to seek counsel I presume, maybe I will do this as part of my workup to surgery. My greatest fear is that the surgery will not provide me with the results I desire, and from that point I don’t know where or how to proceed.

I can tell you one thing, I hope never again to feel suicidal, although I can feel those thoughts pouring back in. But my defenses are up, and it seems that I am a lot better at blocking them.

SOCIAL OBLIGATIONS

I am visiting a good friend this weekend, one I haven’t seen in over a year. To top it off his entire family is going to be there. Baby steps I tell myself, it will be OK.

What is it I am so afraid of anyway? This is the other part of BDD, a lot of poor self esteem all wrapped up in a package. Why do I care about this gross imperfection? It is just part of me, it is not my fault… Although I don’t think I accept that as a truth.

STAR STRUCK

I was watching the news this morning and there was Lindsay Lohan. She was headed back into rehab. Then they cut to a newsflash that the original singer Chris Kelly from the kids R&B band Kris Kross had died of a drug overdose at the age of 34, he had performed on tour with another BDD sufferer Michael Jackson. Then my thoughts wen’t down the row of dead superstars who seemed to have all the good things in life.

What is wrong here? Something is wrong here, and I wonder if it affects me.

BAD HABITS

I started smoking again when I am away from home. This just makes me feel even more like shit, but there you have it, a self destructive behavior on top of a layer of self hatred. Fuck me!

I am at a medical conference but I stared in the mirror and decided to spend the last two hours in my hotel room. I am thinking of catching a movie and then going out to dinner. I am supposed to meet up with a colleague and his wife tomorrow for dinner, I hope I can get my nerve up.

TESTING MY “BDD” THEORIES

Every time I have tested my theories that my face sucks and nobody would want to hang out with me, or love me, or make love to me.. I have been proven wrong.

My wife doesn’t even seem to notice and my friends have not abandoned me. Hell they seem to not even notice. My parents are the same. People notice, and sometimes they even make a comment about my scar, but it is rare. My patients never say a thing, Maybe it is just a kind world I think, or maybe, just maybe some of this is in my mind.

Or maybe it doesn’t matter, it is just an external thing, and people have their own worries, which usually do not involve my face.