Maybe you already know this so quite possibly this is not such a big deal.

But depression is just fear and anger and sadness all wrapped up in a bundle of hopelessness.

I believe it has a lot to do with the feeling (or belief) that tomorrow will be just as bad as today, and then there is no end in sight.

And when nothing really matters, when we lose the basic premise of living we give up, and this is a sad state of affairs.

Testing Theories

Last night I decided to test a theory. And it isn’t some breakthrough theory, most of you will be thinking well of course… duh. But it happened at home the other day as I was relaxing and reading a book called “[easyazon_link asin=”1401940838″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” tag=”4hourlife00-20″ add_to_cart=”default” cloaking=”default” localization=”default” nofollow=”default” popups=”default”]Second Firsts[/easyazon_link]”.

The book is about loss and how to move beyond grief and begin a “second first”… i.e “starting over”.

We have all experienced loss in some sense of the word and when I saw the author interviewed on the good life project I figured the book may be able to give me some insight into how to overcome my BDD.

Really, when I am in my funks, when I am doing my mirror checking, when I am hating on myself this is usually attached to a sense of grief and/or loss. This loss is rooted in a belief that I had something before (in this case before my new facial scar) that is now gone forever.

And when this imperfection arose it stole my life, and then took with it my ability to be happy.

You will find this when you lose a loved one, a pet, a spouse, a child or even through sickness, disease, accidents. They all share something in common. That once lost life is different, that things have changed.

I RESIST CHANGE

I like to believe (insanely so) that life exists in my bubble, a bubble I perceive to be perfect just the way it is. I have troubles letting go and accepting that all things change. This is a principle I have been working on.

Anyway to get to my point.

My wife coerced me to go out last night to a Christmas party. You may or may not believe it when I tell you I have been avoiding this group of friends for almost the entire year, ever since I got my scar.

Why I have done this in all actuality is completely irrational.

To believe that these kind and generous people would not want to be around me because of a minor imperfection on my face is ridiculous. But to me it is damn real, and the fear that this inspires in me is at times unbearable. But last night I had no choice.

Sadly, I had worried all week about this party. And then something happened.

I was reading in [easyazon_link asin=”1401940838″ locale=”US” new_window=”default” tag=”4hourlife00-20″ add_to_cart=”default” cloaking=”default” localization=”default” nofollow=”default” popups=”default”]Second Firsts[/easyazon_link] about how basically if we have a preconceived notion about how something is going to turn out and don’t test it the only thought that we can have is the negative outcome. But if we test it then we have that outcome, the “real” outcome that we can compare this to.

Surprisingly, much of my BDD may actually come from this testing. When I was a kid I remember my mom buying me this Yankees baseball cap that was I guess uncool. I wore it to school and everyone teased me. I never wanted to wear a hat again.

I bought a secret Santa gift for a co-worker 8 years ago that was (I kid you not) light instead of dark chocolate and this coworker made me feel so bad that I have never participated in a secret Santa exchange again.

Small things make me lose my confidence easily. I think I have  a strong desire to please people. And it is out of fear of disapproval that I change my behaviors. Often (if not always) at my loss.

MOVING FORWARD

So I went to the party last night and all the guys gave me a bad time for disappearing for 1 year.  Of course they have no idea why I have been MIA.

As I said these are good guys, friendly kind and warm people.

We had a few beers, laughed played with our kids, caught up and guess what not one person said a damn thing about my scar.

I practiced what I had mentioned in a previous post about my bad “loops” think about the other person, and stop letting my mind circle back to me, my face and my image concerns. And I did this fairly well.

When the thoughts would come I would either a) sip the beer or, b) and more commonly let the feeling pass out of me and then focus again on the other person… Paying close attention to what was going on in their life.

UPS AND DOWNS

I am by no means cured after one dinner party. But it is one comparison I can throw into the win column.

This Christmas we have family coming from overseas, people I haven’t seen in quite some tim,e and of course all I can think about is their reaction to my facial scar.

So f’d up… But this is the way it is. So my goal is to have a couple more wins.

The chance for loss is still there and it scares the hell out of me. Scares me to the point of fear, self-loathing and yes the kind of depression I opened this blog post talking about.

But I have a choice I guess, I can live in fear or I can move on.

One steals my most precious asset… time. The other is the choice of experiencing life.

As the band Passenger says so well:

“Don’t you cry for the lost
Smile for the living
Get what you need and give what you’re given
Life’s for the living so live it
Or you’re better of dead”