BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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My Facial Scar – Overcoming BDD Along With My Worst Fears

November 10, 2012 By Stephen

It’s hard for me to post this picture. But I am doing it because I feel like I am on an island.

Scars are quite common, I have sewed up many a laceration in my time as a family practice physician assistant, but facial scars are a different beast.

I didn’t understand this until I received one.

I have talked about my scar on this blog several times, I was too afraid and too ashamed to post the picture until today. This injury happened about two months ago,while surfing.  I took the tail of a 40 lb. fiberglass long-board to my face.  It was a total accident, but two months later I am left with a rather large and unsightly atrophic scar.

I will post this as well when I feel ready to face my own image.

Since my injury I have been hard pressed to find people with large facial scars. I am not sure if it is my BDD or just the fact that I have a facial scar and I compare my face with everybody.

When I do find somebody I spend the rest of our time together analyzing their facial scar, and it is not like I really care, but I want to know how they deal with theirs.  Of course I would never say this out-loud it is something I do in my mind, behind the scenes.

I have been searching for emotional support, it is hard. There isn’t much support out there for people with facial scars. It is even surprisingly hard to find good, trusted information about surgical revision or laser treatments… Something I have been thinking more about lately.

All Aboard the Ugly Train: Passengers – One

People have been surprisingly cruel as well. I never saw this coming. I thought dealing with a facial scar would be a solitary journey.  But no it is not, it involves a ride on the “ugly train.”

It is like a nightmare, and no matter how hard I try I can’t get off.

In last two months I have been repeatedly called scar-face,  my scar has been endlessly critiqued, leading up to Halloween I actually had several people asked me if I “was going to use my face as part of my costume…”  That one left me traumatized for the good part of the following weekend. Actually still does.

I have had people tell me they were surprised it didn’t heel better, that it was more “sunken” then they would have thought, that it was looking worse.  I actually can’t believe people say these things.  Many a conversation have been had with my scar in place of my eyes.

Now I find I can no longer look people in their eyes, because then I start to think about my scar. I am constantly scanning their gaze.

It’s Just a Scar

It is just a scar, it does not define me, it is part of me now,  it is part of my face.  Yes, I may be able to get some type of cosmetic surgery to make it better in the next 18 months, but should I have to? I am the one with BDD, if people only knew how these comments affect me.  How when they make them I drive home suicidal, how I feel like a monster, how I am afraid to even kiss my wife or be around people who I know.

At first I was even afraid to see the reactions of my own children.  They of course look easily past it, they see their dad, not a scar.

It gets old… The comments. There is an endless stream, I have become open territory on which others (I assume) can displace their own body image concerns.

My patients have been surprisingly kind and thoughtful, not one has hardly said a thing. Yet, in the medical community there is a belief I guess that you can fix everything. So when they see my new, infinitely less “beautiful” face, they say things.  Horrible things. Really surprisingly horrible things.

All this, and I have skin issues already that are related to my BDD. They were in my mind before, nobody once said anything about my skin prior to this injury, yet I still hated it.

Now as I test my theories and my notions of my imperfections, they are confirmed.  To a person with BDD this is particularly devastating.

Getting on With Life

I heard this poem today while on a run it is by Jon Blais who died of ALS. He is still the only person to have ever completed an Ironman triathlon with ALS.

By Jon Blais (August 1971-May 2007)

Live…
More than your neighbors.
Unleash yourself upon the world and go places.
Go now.
Giggle, no, laugh.
No… stay out past dark,
And bark at the moon like the wild dog that you are.
Understand that this is not a dress rehearsal.
This is it… your life.
Face your fears and live your dreams.
Take it in.
Yes, every chance you get…
come close.
And, by all means, whatever you do…
Get it on film.

I like this saying about life “not being a dress rehearsal.” The time I spend lamenting this is getting me nowhere.  The more depressed I become, the more I hide from the world, the less I live. And this is time, the only thing I have, and I am giving it to those people who treat me badly.  They don’t deserve it.

Starting to Live

I am using this blog to work through my BDD and this facial scar. I decided on my run today, while listening to this poem that I have had enough.  Now I just have to figure out how to live like that.

Looking for support? Make sure to check out:

Changing Faces: An amazing community for those of us with facial disfigurements. 

Filed Under: Facial Scar, Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: Acceptance, Anxiety, BDD, Cruelty, Facial, Facial Scar, How to Deal, Scar, Scar Face, Social Anxiety, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

How do I Know if I Have BDD? Body Dysmorphic Disorder Test – The BDDQ

November 5, 2012 By Stephen

BDD is Fairly Common

How Common Is BDD?

Studies Have Found That BDD Occurs in Approximately . . . .

  • 1%–2.4% of adults in the general population .
  • 2.2%–13% of students.
  • 13%–16% of patients who are psychiatrically hospitalized.
  • 14%–42% of outpatients with atypical major depression.
  • 11%–12% of outpatients with social phobia.
  • 3%–37% (average of 17%) of people with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).
  • 39% of hospitalized patients with anorexia nervosa.
  • 9%–14% of patients seeking treatment from a dermatologist.

BDD is Under-recognized

Health care professionals, however, often overlook BDD. As a result, BDD sufferers may not find out that they have the disorder, and treatment may not succeed because it doesn’t target BDD. In the two studies of psychiatric inpatients, none of the patients who had BDD had raised their BDD symptoms with their doctor or received the diagnosis while in the hospital.

In a study of 200 people with BDD, more than half of those who’d been treated with psychiatric medication had never revealed their BDD symptoms to their doctor, even though their symptoms were a major problem. Other studies have similarly found that BDD usually goes undiagnosed, even among people who are receiving mental health treatment.

Secrecy and Shame

BDD is often a secret disorder. Sufferers don’t reveal their appearance concerns, and health professionals often don’t ask. Many patients I’ve seen have never mentioned their appearance concerns to anyone at all, not even their spouse or closest friend. And many who’ve been in treatment with a mental health professional haven’t revealed their symptoms, even though they’re a serious problem. It takes courage to mention BDD concerns and discuss them with someone else.

Many people with BDD are too ashamed to raise their appearance concerns. If a friend, family member, or health care professional doesn’t ask if the person has such concerns, the sufferer may not reveal them. Reasons for secrecy and shame include the following:

  • Fear of being negatively judged. BDD can be confused with vanity, and some sufferers worry they’ll be considered superficial, silly, or vain, so they keep their worries to themselves;
  • Worry that once the perceived defect is mentioned, others will notice it and scrutinize it even more, causing more embarrassment and shame;
  • Fear that disclosure of the worry will be met with reassurance that the BDD sufferer looks fine.

Many people with BDD interpret this response to mean that they were foolish to have mentioned it, or that their emotional pain isn’t being taken seriously or understood—and they may not mention it again.

You can download this questionnaire in MS Word or PDF format here.

Screening Questions for BDD – The Body Dysmorphic Disorder Questionnaire (BDDQ)

You’re likely to have BDD if you give the following answers on the BDDQ:

  • Question 1: Yes to both parts
  • Question 3: Yes to any of the questions 
  • Question 4: Answer b or c 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder Questionnaire (BDDQ) for Adults

Name  ___________________________________

This questionnaire assesses concerns about physical appearance. Please read each question carefully and circle the answer that best describes your experience. Also write in answers where indicated.

Are you very concerned about the appearance of some part(s) of your body that you consider particularly unattractive?   Yes   No

  • If yes: Do these concerns preoccupy you? That is, you think about them a lot and wish you could think about them less?   Yes   No
  • If yes: What are they?___________________________________
    • Examples of areas of concern include: your skin (e.g., acne, scars, wrinkles, paleness, redness); hair (e.g., hair loss or thinning); the shape or size of your nose, mouth, jaw, lips, stomach, hips, etc.; or defects of your hands, genitals, breasts, or any other body part.
  • If yes: What specifically bothers you about the appearance of these body part(s)? (Explain in detail): ___________________________________

If you answered “No” to either of the above questions, you are finished with this questionnaire. Otherwise please continue.

Is your main concern with your appearance that you aren’t thin enough or that you might become too fat?   

  • Yes
  • No

What effect has your preoccupation with your appearance had on your life?

  • Has your defect(s) caused you a lot of distress or emotional pain?   Yes   No
  • Has it significantly interfered with your social life?   Yes   No
  • If yes: How? ___________________________________
  • Has your defect(s) significantly interfered with your school work, your job, or your ability to function in your role (e.g., as a homemaker)?   Yes   No
  • If yes: How?___________________________________
  • Are there things you avoid because of your defect(s)?   Yes   No
  • If yes: How? __________________________________

How much time do you spend thinking about your defect(s) per day on average? (add up all the time you spend) (circle one)

  • (a) Less than 1 hour a day
  • (b) 1–3 hours a day
  • (c) More than 3 hours a day

On the BDDQ

  • Question 1 establishes whether preoccupation is present.
  • Question 3 determines whether it causes significant distress or impairment in functioning.
  • Question 4 is useful, even though the BDD diagnostic criteria don’t require that the perceived defect be thought about for a specified amount of time a day. If you spend at least 1 hour a day thinking about perceived appearance flaws, the diagnosis is more likely. But if it’s less than an hour a day, in total, this probably isn’t enough time or preoccupation to fulfill criterion 1 for the diagnosis.

A Note of Caution about the BDDQ:

It’s intended to screen for BDD, not diagnose it. What this means is that the BDDQ can suggest that BDD is present but can’t necessarily give a firm diagnosis. The diagnosis is ideally determined by a trained clinician in a face-to-face interview. There are several reasons for this. First, clinical judgment should be used to confirm that:

  1. Answers on the BDDQ (a self-report questionnaire) indicate the presence of a disorder (for example, that any distress or impairment reported on the questionnaire is problematic enough to warrant a psychiatric diagnosis).
  2. The physical defect is nonexistent or slight; and
  3. The appearance concerns aren’t better accounted for by an eating disorder. A “yes” answer to question 2 raises the possibility that an eating disorder might be a more accurate diagnosis.
This post and the material herein was adapted from: 

Phillips, Katharine A. (2009-01-12). Understanding Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Oxford University Press.

Filed Under: Diagnosis of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: BDD, BDDQ, Body, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Image, diagnosis, How do I know, Psychology, questionairre, test

Body Dysmorphic Disorder – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – Exposure Worksheet

November 4, 2012 By Stephen

Here is the exposure worksheet I adapted from Feeling Good about the Way You Look: A Program for Overcoming Body Image Problems.

I have included an example of a completed CBT exposure worksheet below as well.

I hope to complete some of these exercises on line over the next several weeks. If you happen upon this post feel free to do one of these exposure worksheets with me in the comments section. I will be happy to help.

Exposure Worksheet – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for BDD

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Completed Exposure Worksheet Sample – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for BDD

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I you haven’t already, please read and follow the guidelines from Feeling Good about the Way You Look: A Program for Overcoming Body Image Problems.

It is an amazing book that I recommend along with counseling. It may work well alone if you are highly motivated and organized!

 

Filed Under: Feeling Good About The Way You Look, Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) Tagged With: BDD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Exposure, Therapy, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), Worksheet

Hopeful – Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques to Test My Body Image Concerns

November 4, 2012 By Stephen

After last nights depressing, over-tired post, today turned out to be a good day.

I have been going to church again, mostly for the kids, so that they may know God and understand that somebody may have their back in the bad times, and the good ones.

This has helped me through my BDD, and I figure it is best that they have God’s love to guide them as well.

Going to church helped to get me out of the house, my bedroom and my mind.  Writing here on this blog is a lonely outlet, at the end of the day the only way to overcome my BDD is in the presence of others.

It is among others that I can prove (or more likely disprove) my many skin concerns.

Today, sitting in church, in full light, close to people, I could see that no one cared. My facial scar in full view may or may not have caught the attention of others who, in all honesty,  seemed to care less. They were more concerned about what I had to say, and I am more concerned about what they have to say.

I feel good when I am out, yes I feel anxious, and yes, I feel self conscious but, at the end of the day, being out and about always has a positive net effect on my attitude.

I stayed after church to sit and write in the open air cafe, afterwards I attended a waffle party with some families that attend my daughters school. One of the dads commented on how he hadn’t seen me around (my daughter just started Kindergarten in October) and I made up some sorry excuse about late nights at work.

Honestly, there is no reason to tell others of my body image concerns.  I know my wife was happy to see me there, as were my kids.

Face your Fear and it will Disappear?

My fears have not disappeared  But today, out and about, at church, at a party, out on the bike, this afternoon, I started to feel better.

It is hard to believe how I can be on the edge of destruction one moment, and feeling so good the next. This is the nature of the beast when it comes to body dysmorphic disorder. My moods rise and fall like the ocean tides.

Moral of the story: Getting out and being around people is a known cure for depression which, I have along with my BDD. The Lexapro hasn’t seemed to help as much as I would have liked, but then again I need to increase my dose but haven’t been able to in fear of (believe it or not) what the pharmacist will think. This is incredibly irrational and is further proof why I shouldn’t be treating and prescribing for myself.

I skipped my first counseling session this week because I am a coward, and I was tired of talking about my scar.

I wrote a lot here and started to work a bit more on my art.  I spent time with my children, I took my wife out on a date, I did avoid the mirrors and I had my wife take the one down at the front door… The last one I see as I head out of the house, it has been known to change my attitude pretty quickly.

My wife continues to be an amazing support of my BDD .  She doesn’t give me a bad time about some of my avoidance rituals. She seems to understand what I am going through right now, I am so thankful for that.

I am exhausted, but I made some positive steps this week. My facial scar is hurting me today,  I am not sure how much of that is in my mind.  But maybe it is because I stretched it today, I showed it to the world, I overcame some fears.  And I lived to see another day.

Filed Under: Feeling Good About The Way You Look, Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: BDD, Body Image, CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Exposure Techniques, Faith, God, Religion, Rituals Mirrors, Testing

Accept Life as it is to Overcome BDD: There is Endless Futility in Regret and Worry

November 3, 2012 By Stephen

There is a principle in Daoism that may very well hold the key to happiness: “All Things Change.” Today when I was in the mirror lamenting my body image concerns I found this poem. I think it speaks highly to BDD and is a lesson in the futility of regret and worry. For me, it is also an extremely hard pill to swallow.

Life as it is – by Ralph Marston

Whatever may happen, there is no need for dismay.

Always, there is the opportunity to creatively and successfully deal with the things life sends your way.

There’s nothing to be gained by wishing that things had turned out differently.

Pick yourself up, connect with the energy of your passion, put a smile on your face and move forward with what is.

Your best choice is always to be your best. And you can’t be your best when you’re complaining or regretting or worried or dismayed.

Every situation generates a new set of positive possibilities. So in every situation, choose to see those possibilities and to enthusiastically follow them.

Each setback is just another step toward getting where you have chosen to go.

Learn, adapt, re-commit, and get quickly back on track.

Every twist and turn in the road of life gives you the opportunity to make a difference. Relish those opportunities, make the most of them, and build a magnificent life.

– Ralph Marston

Filed Under: Feeling Good About The Way You Look, Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: Acceptance, BDD, Body Image, Feeling Good About the Way You Look, Overcoming BDD

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