Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Archives - Page 13 of 17

My BDD – The Journey Begins Just as it Seems to End

December 7, 2012 By Stephen

I have been missing out on a lot lately… because of my fears that revolve around my body image.

I have missed opportunities, or more often than not enjoyed them less than I feel I could have.

This is a shame, and this is an example of how I continue to let these body image concerns hamper my life experience.

Knowing Better

I know better than to let these extrinsic concerns dictate my happiness. But as you my reader may know this is easier said than done.

Last night I attended an event that I had been looking forward to for a while, I chose not to meet the speaker at the end. Not because I didn’t want to but because at that moment I felt hideous.

And that just sucks. It sucks because we only live once and I know better. Yet I still sat in the background feeling sad, disgusting and gross to look at.

I can’t stop this feeling

I skipped my counseling appointment a month ago because I swore that I had overcome these thoughts. Yeah right.

As you probably know these thoughts linger, they disappear (kind of) and then they come back when you least expect it.

I have had years where I felt pretty darn good about myself. Where I woke up, took a deep breath and thought you know what Steve, you are a good-looking dude.

And my days were better because of this. But these extrinsic things continue to hold me back… There seems there will be no end.

Moving Forward

We are headed away this weekend on a family trip. It is easy now being with family because I know they don’t care.

But I continue to act different outside of this close nit safe circle. I am afraid to move too far outside of it.

Sometimes my fears are justified… A coworker who keeps commenting on my scar. And then for some reason decided to point out other flaws on my face.

Patients who keep asking me “what happened to your face?” Maybe most people would be horrified in these circumstances, but with my BDD it is noteworthy and at times leads me to contemplate suicide.

How stupid!

Baby Steps

This weekend I will:

Not hide my face!
Do What I Want to Do – not let my body image concerns dicated my life.
Try not to hide in better light
Try to face my fear of getting another haircut. These top down lights throw a horrible shadow on my scar, which can ruin my day. I need to develop some tools around this.

The Caveman – Hidden levels of discontent (a Poem by Stephen)

November 30, 2012 By Stephen

Locking myself away, hoping for the world to quiet down.

Hoping for a new body, or a new mind, or preferably both.

The days blend into the doldrums of a windless ocean

It is here I sit

Looking for some degree of change.

Mostly I just want to be left alone, yet in today’s world this is an impossibility.

Surrounded by the motion of people spinning circles. We are all looking for meaning.

I know where happiness exists, I just don’t exist in it.

And from behind this window of discontent I sit and rot.

A mind wasting away, typing hear on this plastic keyboard.

I am sick of people, honestly I just want to be alone.

Yet in this feminine world, where social is the only “true” path to enlightenment. Quiet solitude is not allowed.

In the hills where I chose to run, there is no hiding.

Dirt, trees, the smell of fresh air, hidden from a job, from time from the responsibilities that are nothing but dead useless weight.

And then there is this face, this ugly disgusting hideous face.

It doesn’t deserve to be happy, it deserves only to be locked away.

Here the monster can not be unleashed, here my wife doesn’t have to touch it. Or see it.

Probably here, everyone is happy.

In the Cave, below the many hidden levels of discontent.

The Fog is Lifting – Turning Scars into Stars

November 16, 2012 By Stephen

I have learned not to trust my day-to-day feelings.

Over the years they have been known to deceive me. At times the feeling of joy and a lack of worry pervade.

At other times I am left to drown in the throes of deep depression. I don’t always know what tomorrow will bring.

Standing up instead of falling down

I stood up for myself last week at work. A colleague had been harsh regarding my scar. It left me depressed and afraid to leave my home.

Then my sister and wife reminded me that I don’t have to be a victim to these attacks. They reminded me that I have control to some degree over these hurtful comments… It is quite simple actually, you just need to ask them to stop.

Believe it or not, I wasn’t aware that this was an option. The fear and anxiety his comments provoked were paralyzing and I felt helpless to them. It may have been the feelings of helplessness that affected me most.

So, the following week when I saw him and he started to make a comment I simply asked him to stop. And that was it, it was if he didn’t realize comments about my facial scar would be hurtful. This surprised me maybe as much as him. I didn’t need to mention my BDD, why would I? I simply needed to ask him to stop. That gave me a power that before I did not know I had.

Getting off the Antidepressants for my BDD

I am not sure if this has been beneficial, but it certainly hasn’t hurt. And to some degree I am much happier off of them.

I am sleeping much better, and as I mentioned have been off of the Ambien.

Having treated many people with antidepressants I can definitely say they help some people more than others. For me they made me nauseas, effected my sleep and sex life in such negative ways that the side effects were outweighing the benefits.

Today is a new day

Today we are on a short trip away from home with the family. Yesterday I felt great, today I feel less great, but I feel better than the day before. For whatever it is worth, at least I don’t feel like hurting myself, and this is worth a lot.

As the cool November air replaces the sizzle of summer, I feel at peace. Sitting by a fire-place, enjoying coffee with family and friends, enjoying life.

BDD is a life suck, and a time suck. It detracts from life which is perfect. BDD is the result of our doubt… doubt that the way things are is the way things were meant to be. It is a result of our lack of control and our desire to control.

Life without BDD is just around the corner, it is out there… I just can’t seem to grab hold for long.

Going off Lexapro for my BDD: More Sleep and Better Sex!

November 12, 2012 By Stephen

I won’t lie, I had wonderful sex with my wife last night. This was so needed, and I am telling you this because the Lexapro ruined my ability to achieve an orgasm.

This was upsetting, yes I know I was taking it to feel better, but the Lexapro was not making me feel better. I increased my dose up to 20mg (as was recommended) but I felt worse.

I developed diarrhea, and bad GI side effects. I started to have bad headaches and felt nauseous.

I didn’t even realize that this was all from the medicine until I weaned myself off and started to feel better.

The SSRI Myth?

I know I did not follow protocol for the treatment of BDD with my SSRI. Maybe because I am a skeptic to begin with. I prescribe a lot of these medications and was happy I could try them. I was glad they were available to me as an option.

I did believe that they could help, until they didn’t.

I not only had good sex, but I also slept great the last two nights this was such a break from the constant insomnia. And I was happy to be off the Ambien. I am hoping to stay this way.

The Poem That Changed My Life

I am not sure why I feel better. It may go back to a poem I read and posted last week. A poem that reminds us that life is not a “dress rehearsal.” This was powerful.

Maybe posting the picture of my scar helped. Maybe taking the time to read about others with facial scars. Or maybe it was somewhere on my long run through the woods that it just didn’t seem as important.

What people cared about me, or how I felt about myself, just didn’t seem as important.

Maybe it was good to go out for drinks with my sister! Despite drinking too much as treatment of depression, getting out and testing my theories with exposure always helps.

Life After Lexapro

I am taking 6000 IU of vitamin D3 and Nordic Naturals Ultimate Omega. There is research that shows higher levels of DHA (that are part of an Omega supplement) can work as well as conventional prescription antidepressants.

Or possibly so could Botulism Toxin!

I am feeling well on the above combo, sleeping better and I have more energy. There is something to be said about natural cures for BDD. Most definitely a future post.

My Facial Scar – Overcoming BDD Along With My Worst Fears

November 10, 2012 By Stephen

It’s hard for me to post this picture. But I am doing it because I feel like I am on an island.

Scars are quite common, I have sewed up many a laceration in my time as a family practice physician assistant, but facial scars are a different beast.

I didn’t understand this until I received one.

I have talked about my scar on this blog several times, I was too afraid and too ashamed to post the picture until today. This injury happened about two months ago,while surfing. I took the tail of a 40 lb. fiberglass long-board to my face. It was a total accident, but two months later I am left with a rather large and unsightly atrophic scar.

I will post this as well when I feel ready to face my own image.

Since my injury I have been hard pressed to find people with large facial scars. I am not sure if it is my BDD or just the fact that I have a facial scar and I compare my face with everybody.

When I do find somebody I spend the rest of our time together analyzing their facial scar, and it is not like I really care, but I want to know how they deal with theirs. Of course I would never say this out-loud it is something I do in my mind, behind the scenes.

I have been searching for emotional support, it is hard. There isn’t much support out there for people with facial scars. It is even surprisingly hard to find good, trusted information about surgical revision or laser treatments… Something I have been thinking more about lately.

All Aboard the Ugly Train: Passengers – One

People have been surprisingly cruel as well. I never saw this coming. I thought dealing with a facial scar would be a solitary journey. But no it is not, it involves a ride on the “ugly train.”

It is like a nightmare, and no matter how hard I try I can’t get off.

In last two months I have been repeatedly called scar-face, my scar has been endlessly critiqued, leading up to Halloween I actually had several people asked me if I “was going to use my face as part of my costume…” That one left me traumatized for the good part of the following weekend. Actually still does.

I have had people tell me they were surprised it didn’t heel better, that it was more “sunken” then they would have thought, that it was looking worse. I actually can’t believe people say these things. Many a conversation have been had with my scar in place of my eyes.

Now I find I can no longer look people in their eyes, because then I start to think about my scar. I am constantly scanning their gaze.

It’s Just a Scar

It is just a scar, it does not define me, it is part of me now, it is part of my face. Yes, I may be able to get some type of cosmetic surgery to make it better in the next 18 months, but should I have to? I am the one with BDD, if people only knew how these comments affect me. How when they make them I drive home suicidal, how I feel like a monster, how I am afraid to even kiss my wife or be around people who I know.

At first I was even afraid to see the reactions of my own children. They of course look easily past it, they see their dad, not a scar.

It gets old… The comments. There is an endless stream, I have become open territory on which others (I assume) can displace their own body image concerns.

My patients have been surprisingly kind and thoughtful, not one has hardly said a thing. Yet, in the medical community there is a belief I guess that you can fix everything. So when they see my new, infinitely less “beautiful” face, they say things. Horrible things. Really surprisingly horrible things.

All this, and I have skin issues already that are related to my BDD. They were in my mind before, nobody once said anything about my skin prior to this injury, yet I still hated it.

Now as I test my theories and my notions of my imperfections, they are confirmed. To a person with BDD this is particularly devastating.

Getting on With Life

I heard this poem today while on a run it is by Jon Blais who died of ALS. He is still the only person to have ever completed an Ironman triathlon with ALS.

By Jon Blais (August 1971-May 2007)

Live…
More than your neighbors.
Unleash yourself upon the world and go places.
Go now.
Giggle, no, laugh.
No… stay out past dark,
And bark at the moon like the wild dog that you are.
Understand that this is not a dress rehearsal.
This is it… your life.
Face your fears and live your dreams.
Take it in.
Yes, every chance you get…
come close.
And, by all means, whatever you do…
Get it on film.

I like this saying about life “not being a dress rehearsal.” The time I spend lamenting this is getting me nowhere. The more depressed I become, the more I hide from the world, the less I live. And this is time, the only thing I have, and I am giving it to those people who treat me badly. They don’t deserve it.

Starting to Live

I am using this blog to work through my BDD and this facial scar. I decided on my run today, while listening to this poem that I have had enough. Now I just have to figure out how to live like that.

Looking for support? Make sure to check out:

Changing Faces: An amazing community for those of us with facial disfigurements.