BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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Location of Perceived Defects in Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

May 9, 2013 By Stephen

Studies, illustrates that BDD can strike virtually anywhere. The skin, hair, and nose are most often disliked. It’s likely that people underreport worries about certain body areas—for example, breasts and genitals—because they’re embarrassed, and that the true percentages for such areas are higher than those listed here.

Body Part Percent (%) of Patients with Concern
Skin
Hair
Nose
Weight
Stomach
Breast/chest/nipples
Eyes
Thighs
Teeth
Legs (overall)
Body build/bone structure
Ugly face (general)
Face size/shape
Lips
Buttocks
Chin
Eyebrows
Hips
Ears
Arms/wrist
Waist
Genitals
Cheeks/cheekbones
Calves
Height
Head size/shape
Forehead
Feet
Hands
Jaw
Mouth
Back
Fingers
Neck
Shoulders
Knees
Toes
Ankles
Facial muscles
73
56
37
22
22
21
20
20
20
18
16
14
12
12
12
11
11
11
9
9
9
8
8
8
7
6
6
6
6
6
6
6
5
5
3
3
3
2
1

* The percentages add up to more than 100% because people are usually concerned with more than one aspect of their appearance.

Skin Concerns:

Skin concerns are most frequent. Two-thirds of people with skin concerns obsess about perceived acne or scarring. This is followed by concerns with marks (in one-third) and skin color (in one-quarter), with people typically thinking their skin is too red or too white. But virtually any aspect of the skin can be disliked—facial pores that are considered unusually large, veins, capillaries, or other skin flaws. Others obsess about wrinkles, lines, sagging, shriveling, or stretch marks, which they may consider signs of aging.

Some people have multiple skin concerns. They become obsessed with supposed facial acne and scars, as well as veins, which were barely discernible to other people. They excessively check mirrors and repeatedly ask family for reassurance, asking “Do you think this pimple will go away? Will I have a scar?” To improve their skin, people will spend lots of time applying makeup and picking at their face, sometimes using pins. People will compulsively wash their hands.

Hair Concerns

Hair concerns are also very common. The most common worries focus on hair loss, thinning, or balding (a concern of one-third of people who dislike their hair) and excessive facial or body hair (also one-third). But hair obsessions may focus on virtually any aspect of the hair: it’s too curly, too straight, too full, not full enough, uneven, messy, or dirty.

While men are more likely to worry about thinning hair, women have this concern as well.  Getting a haircut is usually very distressing for people with hair concerns. “I’m terrified of getting my hair cut,”. “Getting the right haircut is crucial. How I feel and function depends on how I happen to look and the quality of my haircut.” Hair concerns may also involve other body hair. Men may be preoccupied with supposedly uneven, light, or heavy beard growth. Men or women may think they have too much or too little body hair.

Nose Concerns

Nose concerns are also very common. About 60% of people with nose concerns worry that their nose is too large. More than a quarter worry that it’s bumpy or misshapen. People with nose concerns are especially likely to have surgery—often repeated surgeries.

Total Body Concerns

BDD can also involve larger body areas. Some people dislike virtually their entire body. About one-quarter of men with BDD are preoccupied with their overall body build, thinking they look too small or inadequately muscular. This form of BDD is called “muscle dysmorphia”. Others—often women—are concerned that they’re too large or overweight. In studies up to 22% of female BDD sufferers were excessively concerned with their weight.

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: BDD, Body, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Part, Face, Hair, Hair Concerns, Image, Nails, Nose Concerns, Self Hate, Skin, Skin Concerns, Total Body Concerns

10 Months After my Facial Scar – Falling Back Into Old BDD Habits

May 2, 2013 By Stephen

Sometimes I just can’t believe it happened:  The scar, the injury, the entire incident.

It doesn’t seem fair, but then again, life often isn’t. And we just have to accept these things as they are.

ON THE ROAD

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I am away from home, on the road, in a hotel room. Alone with mirrors and overhead lights. I am around those looking to network, and I am again ashamed, disgusted with myself and wishing to crawl into a hole.

How long can I exist like this? I have to ask myself, because it seems already it has been and insufferable amount of time.

I have been researching scar revision surgery and have decided it is ultimately my best option. And, for this I had to consult with my wife, she just nods and is accepting. But this doesn’t help me decide if my desires for scar revision are based on the scar, or my perception of it.

And this is where BDD seems to have me. The inability to separate my truth from reality, and the awareness of this kills me. I just don’t know if this is vanity or not.

I scan everyone I see trying to find some type of imperfections in their face. I see none, but every-time I enter a bathroom with that overhead light I have to duck, and hide from the mirror. I have to dodge the glances of other peoples eyes, I have to hide here in my hotel room.

THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE

I have tried SSRI’s and this made matters worse. It is time to seek counsel I presume, maybe I will do this as part of my workup to surgery. My greatest fear is that the surgery will not provide me with the results I desire, and from that point I don’t know where or how to proceed.

I can tell you one thing, I hope never again to feel suicidal, although I can feel those thoughts pouring back in. But my defenses are up, and it seems that I am a lot better at blocking them.

SOCIAL OBLIGATIONS

I am visiting a good friend this weekend, one I haven’t seen in over a year. To top it off his entire family is going to be there. Baby steps I tell myself, it will be OK.

What is it I am so afraid of anyway? This is the other part of BDD, a lot of poor self esteem all wrapped up in a package. Why do I care about this gross imperfection? It is just part of me, it is not my fault… Although I don’t think I accept that as a truth.

STAR STRUCK

I was watching the news this morning and there was Lindsay Lohan. She was headed back into rehab. Then they cut to a newsflash that the original singer Chris Kelly from the kids R&B band Kris Kross had died of a drug overdose at the age of 34, he had performed on tour with another BDD sufferer Michael Jackson. Then my thoughts wen’t down the row of dead superstars who seemed to have all the good things in life.

What is wrong here? Something is wrong here, and I wonder if it affects me.

BAD HABITS

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I started smoking again when I am away from home. This just makes me feel even more like shit, but there you have it, a self destructive behavior on top of a layer of self hatred. Fuck me!

I am at a medical conference but I stared in the mirror and decided to spend the last two hours in my hotel room. I am thinking of catching a movie and then going out to dinner. I am supposed to meet up with a colleague and his wife tomorrow for dinner, I hope I can get my nerve up.

TESTING MY “BDD” THEORIES

Every time I have tested my theories that my face sucks and nobody would want to hang out with me, or love me, or make love to me.. I have been proven wrong.

My wife doesn’t even seem to notice and my friends have not abandoned me. Hell they seem to not even notice. My parents are the same. People notice, and sometimes they even make a comment about my scar, but it is rare. My patients never say a thing, Maybe it is just a kind world I think, or maybe, just maybe some of this is in my mind.

Or maybe it doesn’t matter, it is just an external thing, and people have their own worries, which usually do not involve my face.

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: Anxiety, Bad Habbits, Bad Habits, BDD, Depression, Facial, Facial Scar, Fear, Kris Kross, Michael Jackson, Scar, Social Obligations, Star Struck, Testing

January 2013 – A Good Weekend

January 28, 2013 By Stephen

This weekend was better. I wen’t outside without worrying about my scar.

I escaped the mirror, and I got on with life. I wish I could do this every weekend.

Until then, until that moment where I am free. I will write!

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder

My BDD – The Journey Begins Just as it Seems to End

December 7, 2012 By Stephen

I have been missing out on a lot lately… because of my fears that revolve around my body image.

I have missed opportunities, or more often than not enjoyed them less than I feel I could have.

This is a shame, and this is an example of how I continue to let these body image concerns hamper my life experience.

Knowing Better

I know better than to let these extrinsic concerns dictate my happiness. But as you my reader may know this is easier said than done.

Last night I attended an event that I had been looking forward to for a while, I chose not to meet the speaker at the end.  Not because I didn’t want to but because at that moment I felt hideous.

And that just sucks. It sucks because we only live once and I know better. Yet I still sat in the background feeling sad, disgusting and gross to look at.

I can’t stop this feeling

I skipped my counseling appointment a month ago because I swore that I had overcome these thoughts. Yeah right.

As you probably know these thoughts linger, they disappear (kind of) and then they come back when you least expect it.

I have had years where I felt pretty darn good about myself. Where I woke up, took a deep breath and thought you know what Steve, you are a good-looking dude.

And my days were better because of this. But these extrinsic things continue to hold me back… There seems there will be no end.

Moving Forward

We are headed away this weekend on a family trip.  It is easy now being with family because I know they don’t care.

But I continue to act different outside of this close nit safe circle.  I am afraid to move too far outside of it.

Sometimes my fears are justified… A coworker who keeps commenting on my scar.  And then for some reason decided to point out other flaws on my face.

Patients who keep asking me “what happened to your face?”  Maybe most people would be horrified in these circumstances, but with my BDD it is noteworthy and at times leads me to contemplate suicide.

How stupid!

Baby Steps

This weekend I will:

  1. Not hide my face!
  2. Do What I Want to Do – not let my body image concerns dicated my life.
  3. Try not to hide in better light
  4. Try to face my fear of getting another haircut. These top down lights throw a horrible shadow on my scar, which can ruin my day. I need to develop some tools around this.

 

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: Baby Steps, BDD, Knowing Better, Moving Forward

The Caveman – Hidden levels of discontent (a Poem by Stephen)

November 30, 2012 By Stephen

Locking myself away, hoping for the world to quiet down.

Hoping for a new body, or a new mind, or preferably both.

The days blend into the doldrums of a windless ocean

It is here I sit

Looking for some degree of change.

Mostly I just want to be left alone, yet in today’s world this is an impossibility.

Surrounded by the motion of people spinning circles. We are all looking for meaning.

I know where happiness exists, I just don’t exist in it.

And from behind this window of discontent I sit and rot.

A mind wasting away, typing hear on this plastic keyboard.

I am sick of people, honestly I just want to be alone.

Yet in this feminine world, where social is the only “true” path to enlightenment. Quiet solitude is not allowed.

In the hills where I chose to run, there is no hiding.

Dirt, trees, the smell of fresh air, hidden from a job, from time from the responsibilities that are nothing but dead useless weight.

And then there is this face, this ugly disgusting hideous face.

It doesn’t deserve to be happy, it deserves only to be locked away.

Here the monster can not be unleashed, here my wife doesn’t have to touch it. Or see it.

Probably here, everyone is happy.

In the Cave, below the many hidden levels of discontent.

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: BDD, Cave, Caveman, Fear, Hiding, Poem, Ugly

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