Body Dysmorphic Disorder Archives

Selfie

October 22, 2014 By Stephen

I was at the falls with my kids.

The sun was pouring through the mist, the emerald green of the trees and bouncing of the lichen… it was spectacular.

I snapped some shots of the kids and then my daughter asked me to take a “selfie.”

So I leaned down and flipped the camera lens on my iPhone.

I am already in the habit of avoiding eye contact with the LCD screen.

I held it as far away as my arm could reach and I snapped two shots.

My daughter, as any 7 year old would, wanted to see our smiling portrait.

So I flipped around my phone, and tried not to look, but then I couldn’t stop myself. My eyes zeroing in on the biopsy scar on my nose.

My demons won’t leave me alone

I took my daughters hand, it felt so warm and cuddly and small.

We walked up the circular trail to meet my wife and son who had gone up a few moments earlier to use the restroom.

I started to feel the scars, my nose, my cheek. I said I had to go the restroom (although not really) I had to check a mirror to see if it really was like the picture registered it. It felt to me like they were transforming, possibly growing.

The lighting was better in the bathroom, I quickly put my cap back on my head.

We made it to the car, where I saw in the window my reflection with the deep sunken scar on my cheek.

And then I fell apart inside, I felt despair, helplessness and hopelessness.

I started to feel anger toward the dermatology PA who cut my nose apart, I felt anger at myself for going surfing and not protecting my face when I surfaced.

I started to feel ugly, monstrous, and it hasn’t gone away. I feel my scars again tonight.

Santa Clause is coming to town

I dream of waking up one day with these scars gone.

Going back to my previous life when they weren’t part of my life.

If I could just live in that person’s body for a couple days, I promise I wouldn’t take it for granted.

But we don’t know what we have till it’s gone, and then it is too late.

When I woke up today in the cabin and used the restroom I glanced in the mirror. The restroom was poorly lit, without direct overhead lighting and because of this, my sunken scars looked fine, I felt good about myself.

Then the camera revealed the truth? Or is this a deception. I just don’t know anymore.

* PS, I found this Wikipidea entry when I was Googling how to spell “selfie: In April 2014, a man diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder recounted spending ten hours a day attempting to take the “right” selfie, attempting suicide after failing to produce what he perceived to be the perfect selfie.^[66] The same month brought several scholarly publications linking excessive selfie posting with body dysmorphic disorde

Does BDD run in Families?

October 13, 2014 By Stephen

My body image concerns started at a young age when I struggled with acne, but my lack of confidence began way before this.

I remember a friend of mine in grade school making some off-handed comment about a generic Yankees baseball cap I was wearing and I felt self conscious for months.

I felt the same way about my hair, my clothes, my personality.

My grandmother may have had BDD.

She didn’t like to leave the house, she walked with her head down and she never would take photographs.

I never made much of this until the other day, I started to think about where my BDD may have come from, and if this could be an inherited trait.

I started to worry about my children.

Depression appears to have a strong genetic component possibly multiplied by a factor of 3 if you have a close relative with the condition.

What about Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Does it run in families?

Because BDD is not talked about as much and those who have it tend not to share their concerns, or identify it as such, it’s inheritance patterns are likely to go unnoticed.

This I am sure will change with time.

Last year, I swore there was a girl at my gym with BDD, or maybe I was simply trying to find somebody else to relate to. But I picked up on certain patterns.

She would obsess over mirrors and seem to avoid them at the same time. She was fit, but self conscious, she appeared a bit nervous and anxious. I saw myself in her.

How much of this did I put upon her to make myself feel better? I will never know, but it is the first time I realized that I may be able to spot people with BDD.

So I started looking.

It is hard to find, many are models, lawyers and doctors, people you would never suspect to have it.

Can you spot people with BDD? Can you see it in yourself? Do you suspect a family member of yours may have had it?
photo credit: Pulpolux

Overcoming BDD with Manly Makeup – The Great Cover-UP

May 22, 2014 By Stephen

18 months ago after I sustained my first facial laceration my wife tried to help by purchasing a product called “foundation”. I think I am spelling that right?

Her intentions were good, but unfortunately the idea of covering my inch long cheek scar with a female skin care product horrified me quiet possibly more than the scar itself.

So I threw it in a drawer and forgot about it.

Then I had the skin biopsy of my nose 3 weeks ago to check for cancer. A disaster of new epic proportions which has left a dime size dark red hyper-pigmented lesion on the bridge of my nose.

I spent the first two weeks in denial as I was able to cover it up with a band-aid. This was very reminiscent of my first facial laceration a year ago.

But there comes a time where you have to pull off the band aid.

As a BDD’er this is traumatic. Because revealing to the world this facial “flaw” is absolutely devastating.

I am not sure why it is so devastating for me. I am not sure if this is a side effect of my perfectionism or what exactly it is about revealing these facial lesions that petrifies me so much.

I took the band aid off and tried to make it through a Sunday. I couldn’t, and found myself on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Because I had taken a week off work already, I had to go back the next day.

Honestly, I was considering putting in my resignation letter or faking some type of emergency but I couldn’t. This redness will take months to resolve. And it may even need a course of laser therapy to reduce the scarring.

I was pissed at the Physician Assistant who did the skin biopsy because he didn’t really tell me what he was doing and he didn’t mention anything about scarring. I felt duped, angry and wishing to go back in time. I still do.

But what I did next helped.

I remembered that makeup my wife had bought a year ago and wondered if it could cover this flatter, discolored scar on my nose.

So I went to the bathroom found and opened the jar, dabbed it on the tip of my nose and “wala”… It was so much better!

I have spent the last three days at work with makeup on my nose, a horrifying thought for a man like myself, I had night sweats thinking about somebody discovering this but it doesn’t really matter because believe it or not this got me through the week.

I won’t lie and say I wasn’t thinking about it constantly. Since I work in family practice medicine I am up close with patients all day and I really feared that one of them would see the makeup and make a comment, but it didn’t happen.

I worried that my coworkers would spot it and laugh at me. But this did not happen. I worried that I would accidentally wipe it off and make a complete fool out of myself and it didn’t happen.

I made it through the week and I am proud (or maybe not I don’t know) that I did it wearing manly makeup.

I am hoping that I will be able to laugh about this someday as I look back on it. But I think the key thing here is that you just have to do whatever it takes to make it through the day.

I had to swallow a lot of my pride when I put foundation on my nose. I am going out tonight to a bar with some friends and I am going to swallow my pride again as I dabble this on my nose and try to keep the beer glass rim from affecting my cover up. I can’t believe I just said that…. That is very not manly

But I am going to go out damn it, and I am not going to let this red mark or any other perceived deformity ruin my life any longer. Or at least to the degree that it has thus far.

I haven’t talked about it on the blog but our family is headed out on a round the world trip in just 3 months. This scar seemed poorly timed.

No matter how hard I have tried to see the good in it it has been difficult. I have prayed a lot on it, and I am not sure I really believe in prayer btw but I prayed anyway and I have found some answers if there are to be any.

One thing I have noticed is that with the new scar on my nose it has taken mental attention away from the scar on my cheek. There has been a certain amount of freedom with this… This has come as a total surprise.

The other thing I learned is that this thing called foundation is a pretty powerful tool and I am sure that this is what all the screen actors and professional models use. So when I compare myself to the world of the bold and the beautiful I am realizing that they probably also have facial flaws that they are hiding, and they aren’t as perfect as I have always figured them to be.

So there you have it, here is a story about a man wearing makeup and I am telling it because if you are a man with BDD and there is an area that is keeping you from living try some makeup it might help.

Is it a good long term solution? I don’t know maybe it is just worsening my BDD. But either way for now it seems to be helping and at least I am getting out of the house.

I am going to end with a daily gratitude:

1. I am grateful for my wife and children who shower me with their epic love and support despite my flaws.

2. I am so grateful for my best friend who I opened up to about my BDD last week. His support is proof positive that none of this bull shit self hate crap will stop the world from being full of wonderful people who don’t see you for your looks but see use for who we are inside… All beautiful people.

3. I am grateful for cover girl or whatever brand of makeup this stuff is… My God does it work well and it saved my last week and quite possibly my job. I will have to write the company a nice letter, and let them know that all that animal testing they do may actually do some good in this world.

4. And once again if you are reading this I am thankful for you. Know that you are loved for who you are, I see you, I know your there and quite possibly hurting and I want you to know that you are not alone. Also, that whatever pain or despair you may carry deep inside it will get better. BDD does not own your time, do not let it take your life… together we do have the power to overcome BDD!

– Stephen

Positivity – The Triple Threat to Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder

May 10, 2014 By Stephen

“Positivity” – Use Gratitude, Mindfulness and Meditation to Overcome BDD

According to the book Positivity, The ideal positivity ratio is 3:1

Positive emotions are more subtle than negative ones and we, therefore, need more of them to balance out our emotion ratio.

The ideal ratio is 3:1 – three positive emotions for every negative one, and most of us can achieve this by practicing methods like mindfulness, meditation and writing a gratitude diary.

This ratio has been shown to help us acquire a positive attitude towards life, which makes us more resilient to negative emotions, more tolerant of others and more open to new experiences.

Actionable advice:

Keep a gratitude diary.

Research has shown that by just writing down five experiences that you are grateful for every day, you can easily increase your happiness. An experience you’re grateful for can be anything from a hot shower to an amazing party. When you write your experiences down, think about the emotions those experiences generated to create a deep emotional link.

Meditate for at least five minutes a day.

It can never be said enough: meditation is an amazing technique to increase our mindfulness and reduce stress, pain and anxiety. Try meditating for at least five minutes a day, either when you wake up or just before you go to bed – and if you keep up the habit, you can literally rewire your brain to make yourself feel more positive.

Be Mindful

Mindfulness lets you change your everyday feelingsMindfulness is the new buzzword we read about everywhere – with claims that if you cultivate

Mindfulness is the new buzzword we read about everywhere – with claims that if you cultivate it’s a powerful way to change your habits and intensify positive emotions in your everyday life.

But what exactly does mindfulness mean?

Mindfulness means consciously perceiving and enjoying every moment of your life by willfully focusing on the positive aspects of everything you experience. For instance, on your way to work, you can let your mind wander to your troubles, or you can focus on and savor the singing birds, the spring flowers or the children playing in the park. Or during a meal that you would usually mindlessly gulp down, you could focus on its many different tastes and textures.

But being mindful doesn’t only apply to positive emotions. It also means being aware of all the negative feelings you experience, so you can rationally examine and question them.

For example, I have just had this cancerous lesion removed from my nose. I can be grateful that we caught it early and it was removed without problems or I can stare at the deep scar and ruminate and hate on myself.ive

Being aware of the negative emotions and having the willful power to push them down and away is the key to obtaining mindfulness when you have BDD.

These reality checks help dissipate most negative emotions, especially our exaggerated reactions to unimportant things, like pimples, the way our nose looks, or various body image concerns that really don’t matter a whole lot in the scheme of things.

When you consider something like that calmly, it’s easy to laugh it off and refocus on the positive.

If this doesn’t work, there’s another way to break out of negative emotions:

Distract yourself.

Say a negative experience just won’t let you be, like some harsh words from a colleague about something you take very personally, maybe it is even something that triggers your BDD. For me, it would be my scars.

This is very hard but don’t keep thinking it over – instead, spend the time redirecting your attention into something useful, like reading through your unanswered emails.

Or sit down and write on your gratitude journal.

Another strategy is to re-evaluate the negative, and try to find something good about it: maybe your boss’ rude remarks or this cancerous scar is an interesting challenge for you to overcome? Maybe there is a lesson in this, maybe it is a reminder of just how precious and fleeting life can be.

Instead of feeling bad, what can you learn from this situation?

Gratitude, Mindfulness, and Meditation… These seem like a collection of very possible to accomplish actions steps, maybe it is time to get to work.

Should I Tell My Kids I Have Body Dysmorphic Disorder?

January 17, 2014 By Stephen

We all wish for our kids to be strong, confident men and women.

We would tell them that they should respect and care about their bodies.

We would tell them to listen to their hearts, to be who they are, to not let the world dictate their decisions, or make them into something they aren’t.

Yet those of us with BDD are just the opposite.

We let the world dictate our day, we let the feelings of the thoughts of others make us who we are.

If we believe the world thinks we are monsters, then that is what we are, monsters.

We want our kids to live a different life.

My kids don’t know I have BDD, and it is my goal to make sure they never do.

It is not because I don’t want to tell them, because I do.

It is not because I want to protect them, because I know they can handle any truth.

It is because I want them to grow up respecting themselves.

I don’t want them to live in fear like their dad.

I want them to stand in front of the mirror and be proud of who they are.

I want them to know that they can be anything they see (or can imagine) in the world.

I want them to stand confident and proud.

I want them to be who I know I could be if I didn’t have BDD.

A man lost inside his mind, letting the world dictate who he is, afraid of his shadow, walking a fine line between sane and insane.

What would I do if my kids had BDD?

I would tell them they should love themselves as they are… perfect creations of God. Beautiful in every sense of the word.

So, no I am not going to tell my kids I have BDD.

I am instead going to overcome it, and in doing so I am going to tell (show) them a truth that all of us with BDD know deep in side but just can’t accept:

That we are “good enough”, we are just what we need to be, perfection is a lousy lot, we are beautiful, strong and capable human beings. Filled with love and compassion, here to have an experience of life.

Life if so fleeting, so impermanent, so precious. Let us not waste it on self pity and shame.

To send a different message to my kids would be to steel their time.

Don’t tell your kids you have BDD, instead tell them you love them and then show them the way you want them to be.