Facial Scar Archives

Tracing Fingers Over My Lovers Scars

February 26, 2017 By Stephen

Seal’s scars are from a condition called discoid Lupus. Personally, I think they are beautiful

This is an email I received from blog reader “Jade”…

I have been reading your archives because I’m looking for validation in my emotions as I have BDD.

The main reason for my message to you is to tell you my perception of your scar.

I know you don’t like people to comment on your scar and I know it’s not helpful. However, I’m wondering if anyone has ever had the courage to say how they feel about it.

I saw your photo of your scar and I thought it was lovely.

Not because I wish scars were lovely, but as a teenager, most of my boyfriends had acne and acne scarring and I believe them to be attractive.

However, I don’t believe this of myself.

I also wanted to tell you a story about a girl. When someone asked her what she loved most about her lovers, she replied “tracing my fingers over my lover’s scars.”

I truly believe scars are beautiful and we are conditioned by society to be ashamed of them.

Some cultures scar their faces on purpose because it’s deemed attractive.

Perceptions

I believe it’s about perception.

One thing that has helped me (along with this list of books) is The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life’s Challenges by Paul Gilbert.

I admire your courage to let people see you, I hope to be like you one day.

I believe the key to overcoming BDD is not changing our faces and bodies nor realizing others like or don’t care about our appearance.

But to have self-worth that isn’t reliant on others perception.

And to truly have compassion for those who have negative thoughts about others and us.

And overall not care what anybody thinks about our appearance or us in general.

To be compassionate with ourselves.

Anyone who is critical and cruel isn’t something I admire or want to take seriously.

I hope the little that has helped me may provoke thought in you.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us

– Jade

Thank you, Jade, your email meant the world to me and I know it will also give courage to others as it has to me.

The Mask of Vanilla Skies – Understanding Body Dysmorphic Disorder

September 12, 2016 By Stephen

Intrigued by a scene of Tom Cruise disfigured after a car accident, I paid $2.99 to rent Vanilla Sky on Amazon Prime.

In the movie, Tom Cruise portrays a rich entitled playboy who inherited his father’s multi-million dollar business and is disfigured in a car accident.

Because his top-notch team of surgeons cannot reconstruct his face he is provided with a “facial prosthesis” (i.e a mask) to wear while he learns to accept his new appearance.

I could relate, after my facial laceration, I wore a facial prosthesis in the form of a bandaid for several weeks.

I would hesitate to pull it off, and when I had it on my cheek I felt protected and safe.

From this standpoint it made sense, but the reaction of course to Tom and his mask is understandable.

Expressionless, yet flawless, the mask does very little except protect his ego

And sure enough, when Tom removes it, he is on the receiving end of taunts, pity, and free shots of tequila.

It doesn’t help that the disfigurement turns him into an A+ rated ass-hole.

It isn’t the scar that makes him mean, angry and hateful. It is his reaction to his circumstances.

Regardless, I wanted so much to have a facial prosthesis.

As the movie progresses Tom discovers that his team of surgeons has a new incredible procedure that will render him scar-free.

He takes the “purple pill” and awakes perfectly reconstructed… He has a lot of wonderful sex with his partner “Sofia” played by Penelope Cruz. His life becomes full again, he is happy, he is with friends, he is out and about. He receives the respect and envy of his colleagues.

I won’t give away the ending, but the movie makes a point… Disfigured, Tom’s life is a living hell, yet when the scars are gone his life is complete.

This is the fear many of us suffer with every day as we awake to our BDD

There is a bathroom scene in the movie that I live every day. After my injury I would wake at night, turn on the light and pray that it was all a bad dream. Which of course it was not… Unlike Tom in Vanilla Sky, I have to find a way to live, make a life with my disfigurement.

With my BDD this is so much harder because now I do have something to obsess about, to identify as the root cause of my pain and suffering and social anxiety.

For a large part of the movie, I was hoping that the medical team had played a mind trick on Tom, convincing him that he wasn’t actually scarred, hacking his mirrors, and showing that disfigurement is all in the mind. Proving, once and for all, that how we perceive our face matters more than what we actually look like.

This would have been a better take-home message from the movie.

But Vanilla Sky falls short in this regard, and although it is a thoughtful critique, the movie simply reinforces many of the stereotypes that make me want a facial prosthesis in the first place.

Going to Counseling and Finding a Psychiatrist – It Ain’t Easy!

May 15, 2016 By Stephen

If you have ever read my rants and blog posts you may know that I have never made the step to go to counseling.

I had a lot of lame excuses:

Not enough money
Not enough time
Not enough insurance
Not enough confidence (this may have been the single biggest reason)

Like many others, I presume, the thought of indulging my deepest, darkest shame surrounding my BDD sounded just horrible.

But, after returning from our world trip last year (my greatest BDD escape ever) and landing new jobs, with shiny new insurance I decided maybe it was time to get the help I really needed.

This started with the dentist, seems like my teeth took precedence, then when my left molar no longer hurt, I felt ready to make the step into counseling – funny, but true.

Where to find counseling for BDD

Most of the things I avoid in life are because there is work involved, finding a counselor for my BDD was no different.

I started where most Americans do (if you are lucky enough to have health insurance) at the back of my insurance card.

On the card was the website where I could begin my search for covered providers in my network.

Because I am an anthem Blue Cross member I was taken directly to this search portal

I registered my member ID number, created a user account and login and in a matter of 5 minutes was ready to go.

Once logged in, you will have a search portal to find member providers. Finding a comprehensive list of providers is easy:

Choosing from the list of providers, isn’t so straightforward.

Making a decision

There are so many providers that it can be overwhelming. Unless you are going off a recommendation from a friend or colleague where do you begin?

To overcome this barrier I decided to go “old-school” and actually picked up the phone.

I simply called the office of two providers that were in network and discussed the process of finding a psychiatrist that would treat my condition.

They explained my copay ($10 not bad at all) my service offerings (unlimited appointments) and that I would need a referral from a primary care provider in their network.

Laying it all out there

I didn’t want to have to explain myself to a primary care doctor, but I decided it was time to make an appointment and face my fears.

To make matters worse, I am a healthcare provider myself in the area, so I knew I would have to expose myself to the community in which I am a professional.

I called, scheduled my primary care appointment and showed up.

I had a basic health screen, explained my desire to see a behavioral health therapist, explained why I wanted to see a behavioral health specialist and that was that.

Three days later, the behavioral health facility contacted me, based on the referral from my primary care provider and scheduled my appointment in 2 weeks time to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner.

Almost there

Three years ago when I was in the deepest, darkest places of my BDD I would never have been able to make it this far. In fact, it is one reason I never did see a psychiatrist at the time.

I suffered through the suicidal ideations, all the self hate, the agoraphobia, the mirror checking the obsessions and the nightmare of BDD internally and mostly alone.

Now, that I have done this, I am wondering why I didn’t make the appointments sooner. But I know why – when you are sad, ashamed, afraid of your own shadow it is hard to even make it out of the house, not to mention to go through the process of exposing all your dirty laundry.

It has taken me two months still, to get into to see a mental health professional. That is actually shameful – but it is the state of healthcare in the US in 2016.

I will give you and update in 2 weeks after I see the NP and let you know how it goes.

If you have any questions about how to find a healthcare professional in your area drop me a line and I will be happy to help.

Here are two therapist directories to begin your search:

Psychology Today

“LUCKY”

November 22, 2014 By Stephen

In the exam room chair, a chair where 1000’s of other anxious souls have sat before me, they took 15 minutes and a 10 blade and they cut into my nose.

What was left, was a gaping 1 inch hole.

They called me a week later to tell me the results were benign, they told me I was lucky.

As “luck” would have it I was indeed lucky, I wasn’t going to need something horrific such as “Mohs” surgery, a thought that was weighing heavily on my mind.

But this second scar on my face would send me into a tailspin of despair and regret. One that even 5 months later I am struggling to overcome.

Selfie

October 22, 2014 By Stephen

I was at the falls with my kids.

The sun was pouring through the mist, the emerald green of the trees and bouncing of the lichen… it was spectacular.

I snapped some shots of the kids and then my daughter asked me to take a “selfie.”

So I leaned down and flipped the camera lens on my iPhone.

I am already in the habit of avoiding eye contact with the LCD screen.

I held it as far away as my arm could reach and I snapped two shots.

My daughter, as any 7 year old would, wanted to see our smiling portrait.

So I flipped around my phone, and tried not to look, but then I couldn’t stop myself. My eyes zeroing in on the biopsy scar on my nose.

My demons won’t leave me alone

I took my daughters hand, it felt so warm and cuddly and small.

We walked up the circular trail to meet my wife and son who had gone up a few moments earlier to use the restroom.

I started to feel the scars, my nose, my cheek. I said I had to go the restroom (although not really) I had to check a mirror to see if it really was like the picture registered it. It felt to me like they were transforming, possibly growing.

The lighting was better in the bathroom, I quickly put my cap back on my head.

We made it to the car, where I saw in the window my reflection with the deep sunken scar on my cheek.

And then I fell apart inside, I felt despair, helplessness and hopelessness.

I started to feel anger toward the dermatology PA who cut my nose apart, I felt anger at myself for going surfing and not protecting my face when I surfaced.

I started to feel ugly, monstrous, and it hasn’t gone away. I feel my scars again tonight.

Santa Clause is coming to town

I dream of waking up one day with these scars gone.

Going back to my previous life when they weren’t part of my life.

If I could just live in that person’s body for a couple days, I promise I wouldn’t take it for granted.

But we don’t know what we have till it’s gone, and then it is too late.

When I woke up today in the cabin and used the restroom I glanced in the mirror. The restroom was poorly lit, without direct overhead lighting and because of this, my sunken scars looked fine, I felt good about myself.

Then the camera revealed the truth? Or is this a deception. I just don’t know anymore.

* PS, I found this Wikipidea entry when I was Googling how to spell “selfie: In April 2014, a man diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder recounted spending ten hours a day attempting to take the “right” selfie, attempting suicide after failing to produce what he perceived to be the perfect selfie.^[66] The same month brought several scholarly publications linking excessive selfie posting with body dysmorphic disorde