BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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The Fog is Lifting – Turning Scars into Stars

November 16, 2012 By Stephen

I have learned not to trust my day-to-day feelings.

Over the years they have been known to deceive me.  At times the feeling of joy and a lack of worry pervade.

At other times I am left to drown in the throes of deep depression.  I don’t always know what tomorrow will bring.

Standing up instead of falling down

I stood up for myself last week at work. A colleague had been harsh regarding my scar.  It left me depressed and afraid to leave my home.

Then my sister and wife reminded me that I don’t have to be a victim to these attacks.  They reminded me that I have control to some degree over these hurtful comments… It is quite simple actually, you just need to ask them to stop.

Believe it or not, I wasn’t aware that this was an option.  The fear and anxiety his comments provoked were paralyzing and I felt helpless to them.  It may have been the feelings of helplessness that affected me most.

So, the following week when I saw him and he started to make a comment I simply asked him to stop.  And that was it, it was if he didn’t realize comments about my facial scar would be hurtful. This surprised me maybe as much as him.  I didn’t need to mention my BDD, why would I?  I simply needed to ask him to stop. That gave me a power that before I did not know I had.

Getting off the Antidepressants for my BDD

I am not sure if this has been beneficial, but it certainly hasn’t hurt. And to some degree I am much happier off of them.

I am sleeping much better, and as I mentioned have been off of the Ambien.

Having treated many people with antidepressants I can definitely say they help some people more than others.  For me they made me nauseas, effected my sleep and sex life in such negative ways that the side effects were outweighing the benefits.

Today is a new day

Today we are on a short trip away from home with the family.  Yesterday I felt great, today I feel less great, but I feel better than the day before. For whatever it is worth, at least I don’t feel like hurting myself, and this is worth a lot.

As the cool November air replaces the sizzle of summer, I feel at peace. Sitting by a fire-place, enjoying coffee with family and friends, enjoying life.

BDD is a life suck, and a time suck.  It detracts from life which is perfect.  BDD is the result of our doubt… doubt that the way things are is the way things were meant to be.  It is a result of our lack of control and our desire to control.

Life without BDD is just around the corner, it is out there… I just can’t seem to grab hold for long.

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: BDD, Body Dymsorphic Disorder, Depression, Scars, Stars

Going off Lexapro for my BDD: More Sleep and Better Sex!

November 12, 2012 By Stephen

I won’t lie, I had wonderful sex with my wife last night.  This was so needed, and I am telling you this because the Lexapro ruined my ability to achieve an orgasm.

This was upsetting, yes I know I was taking it to feel better, but the Lexapro was not making me feel better. I increased my dose up to 20mg (as was recommended) but I felt worse.

I developed diarrhea, and bad GI side effects. I started to have bad headaches and felt nauseous.

I didn’t even realize that this was all from the medicine until I weaned myself off and started to feel better.

The SSRI Myth?

I know I did not follow protocol for the treatment of BDD with my SSRI.  Maybe because I am a skeptic to begin with.  I prescribe a lot of these medications and was happy I could try them. I was glad they were available to me as an option.

I did believe that they could help, until they didn’t.

I not only had good sex, but I also slept great the last two nights this was such a break from the constant insomnia. And I was happy to be off the Ambien. I am hoping to stay this way.

The Poem That Changed My Life

I am not sure why I feel better. It may go back to a poem I read and posted last week. A poem that reminds us that life is not a “dress rehearsal.” This was powerful.

Maybe posting the picture of my scar helped. Maybe taking the time to read about others with facial scars. Or maybe it was somewhere on my long run through the woods that it just didn’t seem as important.

What people cared about me, or how I felt about myself, just didn’t seem as important.

Maybe it was good to go out for drinks with my sister! Despite drinking too much as treatment of depression, getting out and testing my theories with exposure always helps.

Life After Lexapro

I am taking 6000 IU of vitamin D3 and Nordic Naturals Ultimate Omega.  There is research that shows higher levels of DHA (that are part of an Omega supplement) can work as well as conventional prescription antidepressants.

Or possibly so could Botulism Toxin!

I am feeling well on the above combo, sleeping better and I have more energy. There is something to be said about natural cures for BDD. Most definitely a future post.

 

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: BDD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Botox, Botulism, Lecapro, Natural, Omega 3, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

My Facial Scar – Overcoming BDD Along With My Worst Fears

November 10, 2012 By Stephen

It’s hard for me to post this picture. But I am doing it because I feel like I am on an island.

Scars are quite common, I have sewed up many a laceration in my time as a family practice physician assistant, but facial scars are a different beast.

I didn’t understand this until I received one.

I have talked about my scar on this blog several times, I was too afraid and too ashamed to post the picture until today. This injury happened about two months ago,while surfing.  I took the tail of a 40 lb. fiberglass long-board to my face.  It was a total accident, but two months later I am left with a rather large and unsightly atrophic scar.

I will post this as well when I feel ready to face my own image.

Since my injury I have been hard pressed to find people with large facial scars. I am not sure if it is my BDD or just the fact that I have a facial scar and I compare my face with everybody.

When I do find somebody I spend the rest of our time together analyzing their facial scar, and it is not like I really care, but I want to know how they deal with theirs.  Of course I would never say this out-loud it is something I do in my mind, behind the scenes.

I have been searching for emotional support, it is hard. There isn’t much support out there for people with facial scars. It is even surprisingly hard to find good, trusted information about surgical revision or laser treatments… Something I have been thinking more about lately.

All Aboard the Ugly Train: Passengers – One

People have been surprisingly cruel as well. I never saw this coming. I thought dealing with a facial scar would be a solitary journey.  But no it is not, it involves a ride on the “ugly train.”

It is like a nightmare, and no matter how hard I try I can’t get off.

In last two months I have been repeatedly called scar-face,  my scar has been endlessly critiqued, leading up to Halloween I actually had several people asked me if I “was going to use my face as part of my costume…”  That one left me traumatized for the good part of the following weekend. Actually still does.

I have had people tell me they were surprised it didn’t heel better, that it was more “sunken” then they would have thought, that it was looking worse.  I actually can’t believe people say these things.  Many a conversation have been had with my scar in place of my eyes.

Now I find I can no longer look people in their eyes, because then I start to think about my scar. I am constantly scanning their gaze.

It’s Just a Scar

It is just a scar, it does not define me, it is part of me now,  it is part of my face.  Yes, I may be able to get some type of cosmetic surgery to make it better in the next 18 months, but should I have to? I am the one with BDD, if people only knew how these comments affect me.  How when they make them I drive home suicidal, how I feel like a monster, how I am afraid to even kiss my wife or be around people who I know.

At first I was even afraid to see the reactions of my own children.  They of course look easily past it, they see their dad, not a scar.

It gets old… The comments. There is an endless stream, I have become open territory on which others (I assume) can displace their own body image concerns.

My patients have been surprisingly kind and thoughtful, not one has hardly said a thing. Yet, in the medical community there is a belief I guess that you can fix everything. So when they see my new, infinitely less “beautiful” face, they say things.  Horrible things. Really surprisingly horrible things.

All this, and I have skin issues already that are related to my BDD. They were in my mind before, nobody once said anything about my skin prior to this injury, yet I still hated it.

Now as I test my theories and my notions of my imperfections, they are confirmed.  To a person with BDD this is particularly devastating.

Getting on With Life

I heard this poem today while on a run it is by Jon Blais who died of ALS. He is still the only person to have ever completed an Ironman triathlon with ALS.

By Jon Blais (August 1971-May 2007)

Live…
More than your neighbors.
Unleash yourself upon the world and go places.
Go now.
Giggle, no, laugh.
No… stay out past dark,
And bark at the moon like the wild dog that you are.
Understand that this is not a dress rehearsal.
This is it… your life.
Face your fears and live your dreams.
Take it in.
Yes, every chance you get…
come close.
And, by all means, whatever you do…
Get it on film.

I like this saying about life “not being a dress rehearsal.” The time I spend lamenting this is getting me nowhere.  The more depressed I become, the more I hide from the world, the less I live. And this is time, the only thing I have, and I am giving it to those people who treat me badly.  They don’t deserve it.

Starting to Live

I am using this blog to work through my BDD and this facial scar. I decided on my run today, while listening to this poem that I have had enough.  Now I just have to figure out how to live like that.

Looking for support? Make sure to check out:

Changing Faces: An amazing community for those of us with facial disfigurements. 

Filed Under: Facial Scar, Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: Acceptance, Anxiety, BDD, Cruelty, Facial, Facial Scar, How to Deal, Scar, Scar Face, Social Anxiety, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

How do I Know if I Have BDD? Body Dysmorphic Disorder Test – The BDDQ

November 5, 2012 By Stephen

BDD is Fairly Common

How Common Is BDD?

Studies Have Found That BDD Occurs in Approximately . . . .

  • 1%–2.4% of adults in the general population .
  • 2.2%–13% of students.
  • 13%–16% of patients who are psychiatrically hospitalized.
  • 14%–42% of outpatients with atypical major depression.
  • 11%–12% of outpatients with social phobia.
  • 3%–37% (average of 17%) of people with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).
  • 39% of hospitalized patients with anorexia nervosa.
  • 9%–14% of patients seeking treatment from a dermatologist.

BDD is Under-recognized

Health care professionals, however, often overlook BDD. As a result, BDD sufferers may not find out that they have the disorder, and treatment may not succeed because it doesn’t target BDD. In the two studies of psychiatric inpatients, none of the patients who had BDD had raised their BDD symptoms with their doctor or received the diagnosis while in the hospital.

In a study of 200 people with BDD, more than half of those who’d been treated with psychiatric medication had never revealed their BDD symptoms to their doctor, even though their symptoms were a major problem. Other studies have similarly found that BDD usually goes undiagnosed, even among people who are receiving mental health treatment.

Secrecy and Shame

BDD is often a secret disorder. Sufferers don’t reveal their appearance concerns, and health professionals often don’t ask. Many patients I’ve seen have never mentioned their appearance concerns to anyone at all, not even their spouse or closest friend. And many who’ve been in treatment with a mental health professional haven’t revealed their symptoms, even though they’re a serious problem. It takes courage to mention BDD concerns and discuss them with someone else.

Many people with BDD are too ashamed to raise their appearance concerns. If a friend, family member, or health care professional doesn’t ask if the person has such concerns, the sufferer may not reveal them. Reasons for secrecy and shame include the following:

  • Fear of being negatively judged. BDD can be confused with vanity, and some sufferers worry they’ll be considered superficial, silly, or vain, so they keep their worries to themselves;
  • Worry that once the perceived defect is mentioned, others will notice it and scrutinize it even more, causing more embarrassment and shame;
  • Fear that disclosure of the worry will be met with reassurance that the BDD sufferer looks fine.

Many people with BDD interpret this response to mean that they were foolish to have mentioned it, or that their emotional pain isn’t being taken seriously or understood—and they may not mention it again.

You can download this questionnaire in MS Word or PDF format here.

Screening Questions for BDD – The Body Dysmorphic Disorder Questionnaire (BDDQ)

You’re likely to have BDD if you give the following answers on the BDDQ:

  • Question 1: Yes to both parts
  • Question 3: Yes to any of the questions 
  • Question 4: Answer b or c 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder Questionnaire (BDDQ) for Adults

Name  ___________________________________

This questionnaire assesses concerns about physical appearance. Please read each question carefully and circle the answer that best describes your experience. Also write in answers where indicated.

Are you very concerned about the appearance of some part(s) of your body that you consider particularly unattractive?   Yes   No

  • If yes: Do these concerns preoccupy you? That is, you think about them a lot and wish you could think about them less?   Yes   No
  • If yes: What are they?___________________________________
    • Examples of areas of concern include: your skin (e.g., acne, scars, wrinkles, paleness, redness); hair (e.g., hair loss or thinning); the shape or size of your nose, mouth, jaw, lips, stomach, hips, etc.; or defects of your hands, genitals, breasts, or any other body part.
  • If yes: What specifically bothers you about the appearance of these body part(s)? (Explain in detail): ___________________________________

If you answered “No” to either of the above questions, you are finished with this questionnaire. Otherwise please continue.

Is your main concern with your appearance that you aren’t thin enough or that you might become too fat?   

  • Yes
  • No

What effect has your preoccupation with your appearance had on your life?

  • Has your defect(s) caused you a lot of distress or emotional pain?   Yes   No
  • Has it significantly interfered with your social life?   Yes   No
  • If yes: How? ___________________________________
  • Has your defect(s) significantly interfered with your school work, your job, or your ability to function in your role (e.g., as a homemaker)?   Yes   No
  • If yes: How?___________________________________
  • Are there things you avoid because of your defect(s)?   Yes   No
  • If yes: How? __________________________________

How much time do you spend thinking about your defect(s) per day on average? (add up all the time you spend) (circle one)

  • (a) Less than 1 hour a day
  • (b) 1–3 hours a day
  • (c) More than 3 hours a day

On the BDDQ

  • Question 1 establishes whether preoccupation is present.
  • Question 3 determines whether it causes significant distress or impairment in functioning.
  • Question 4 is useful, even though the BDD diagnostic criteria don’t require that the perceived defect be thought about for a specified amount of time a day. If you spend at least 1 hour a day thinking about perceived appearance flaws, the diagnosis is more likely. But if it’s less than an hour a day, in total, this probably isn’t enough time or preoccupation to fulfill criterion 1 for the diagnosis.

A Note of Caution about the BDDQ:

It’s intended to screen for BDD, not diagnose it. What this means is that the BDDQ can suggest that BDD is present but can’t necessarily give a firm diagnosis. The diagnosis is ideally determined by a trained clinician in a face-to-face interview. There are several reasons for this. First, clinical judgment should be used to confirm that:

  1. Answers on the BDDQ (a self-report questionnaire) indicate the presence of a disorder (for example, that any distress or impairment reported on the questionnaire is problematic enough to warrant a psychiatric diagnosis).
  2. The physical defect is nonexistent or slight; and
  3. The appearance concerns aren’t better accounted for by an eating disorder. A “yes” answer to question 2 raises the possibility that an eating disorder might be a more accurate diagnosis.
This post and the material herein was adapted from: 

Phillips, Katharine A. (2009-01-12). Understanding Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Oxford University Press.

Filed Under: Diagnosis of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: BDD, BDDQ, Body, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Image, diagnosis, How do I know, Psychology, questionairre, test

Body Dysmorphic Disorder – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – Exposure Worksheet

November 4, 2012 By Stephen

Here is the exposure worksheet I adapted from Feeling Good about the Way You Look: A Program for Overcoming Body Image Problems.

I have included an example of a completed CBT exposure worksheet below as well.

I hope to complete some of these exercises on line over the next several weeks. If you happen upon this post feel free to do one of these exposure worksheets with me in the comments section. I will be happy to help.

Exposure Worksheet – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for BDD

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Completed Exposure Worksheet Sample – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for BDD

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I you haven’t already, please read and follow the guidelines from Feeling Good about the Way You Look: A Program for Overcoming Body Image Problems.

It is an amazing book that I recommend along with counseling. It may work well alone if you are highly motivated and organized!

 

Filed Under: Feeling Good About The Way You Look, Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) Tagged With: BDD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Exposure, Therapy, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), Worksheet

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