BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

Contact | About | Resources Archives

This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Powered by Genesis

Voices of BDD – If Only

December 13, 2013 By Stephen

I have  Body dysmorphic disorder

There has always been something wrong with my face.

There was a time when I’d be able to sit in front of a mirror for hours on end and make note of every imperfection I could find.

  • My nose was too big.
  • My eyes were too small.
  • I’d look at magazines and think, “I want to be like this. I want to be tall and skinny and white.”
  • “I want to be beautiful.”

Every night before I went to bed, I’d pray to God or whatever entity out there to please, please make me pretty.

I AM OBSESSED

medium_124688816

I have literally found myself wishing there would be a SARS outbreak in my city just so face masks would be necessary.

I am not formally diagnosed with BDD, but I know this is what I have.

The reason why I’m reluctant to talk to any professionals with experience on the matter is because I know they will keep me from saving myself.

They’ll take away the possibility of surgery.

For the past five years, I have been infatuated with aesthetic surgery and, as sad as this may sound, still perceive it as a form, or rather, my form of salvation.

I am self-conscious to the extent of covering my face with a post-it during a webcam session.

In person, my attempts to hide my “mug” aren’t as effective, but they still manage to be noticeable. And even with that said, I really, really am trying to be inconspicuous. I really am trying to stop.

I honestly don’t understand why I’m like this, but I do know that it’s not for the validation of other people.

I can give a flying **** about compliments. Sure, they may make me feel a bit better for the time being, but they ultimately won’t change a thing. I do realize that I’m not insanely hideous, I just… can’t help it. It’s weird.

A SILLY STORY

medium_8807091506

When I was little, maybe five or so, I was peering in the mirror when I noticed that my lips were huge.

This irked me so much that I proceeded to grab a pair of scissors and cut small pieces of it off until I was satisfied. There was no pain, just this numbness and a feeling of contentment.

An hour later, it hurt, BAD!

Now, why do I hide these “huge” lips?

First thing’s first: The bane of my existence is my lack of self-esteem. The cause of that, contrary to popular belief, isn’t my lips. The cause is, in fact, my nose. I am so deluded that I blame and associate some of my mistakes to my nose, and sometimes, I veritably believe it.

They say the first step is recognizing the problem, right?

It’s a shame I haven’t looked much into the whole procedure.

Anyway, suck in your lips for a moment. If you look in the mirror while doing this, you can see that it slightly alters the shape of your nose. This is why I do it. Because I’m convinced my nose looks a bit better with my lips sucked in.

ON REFLECTION – I AM CRAZY

The first thing I am going to do once I get out of high school is to go to Korea or Japan for a nose job. Then, maybe these stupid psychological issues won’t deter me from living life to its full extent. This, I genuinely believe, and I am more than willing to take a risk to ensure it.

You’re probably wondering what will I do if surgery doesn’t work out.

And to be honest, I don’t know either. I try not to dwell on it as an attempt to preserve all the optimism I currently have left.

– If Only

Filed Under: Voices of BDD Tagged With: AM, BDD, Cure, Plastic, STORY, Surgery, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), Voices

Serotonin-Reuptake Inhibitors in the Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

August 1, 2013 By Stephen

Most commonly used serotonin-reuptake inhibitors used in the treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and the average effective dosages based on clinical studies:

You can read more about augmenting SSRI’s in the treatment of BDD if a single agent is not effective.

Generic Name Brand Name Average Dose (milligrams per day)*
Citalopram Celexa 66
Escitalopram Lexapro 29
Fluoxetine Prozac 67
Fluvoxamine Luvox 308
Paraxetine Paxil 55
Setraline Zoloft 202
Clomipramine Anafranil 203

How to dose an SSRI in BDD

There’s no one-size-fits-all formula; dosing will depend on a number of factors. The most tolerable dosing strategy is to start with a low dose and gradually increase the dose while monitoring for side effects.

So, for example, if you try escitalopram (Lexapro), the usual starting dose is 10 mg a day. After 2 weeks or so, assuming you’re tolerating it well, you could raise it to 20 mg a day. After 2 to 3 weeks on 20 mg a day, you could then raise it to 30 mg a day, unless you’re already starting to improve or are having problematic side effects.

For fluoxetine (Prozac), the usual starting dose is 20 mg per day. After taking this dose for 2 weeks or so you could raise the dose to 40 mg a day. After another 2 to 3 weeks you could raise it to 60 mg/day, and then raise it to 80 mg a day after another 2 to 3 weeks, unless you’re getting better on a lower dose or are having trouble with side effects. But these dosing schedules are only general guidelines.

Generally, I recommend raising the dose more quickly for people who are severely ill and are tolerating the medicine well. Patients who are closely monitored during hospitalization can also have their dose raised more quickly than described above.

Conversely, it makes sense to raise the dose more slowly if you start substantially improving on a lower dose (because you may not need to raise it further) or if you’re having trouble with side effects. Your preference also matters.

A reasonable goal, however, is to reach the maximum dose that the manufacturer recommends (if a lower dose isn’t already working) within 4 to 9 weeks of starting the medicine.

Don’t give up on an SRI until you’ve tried it for at least 12 to 16 weeks, while reaching a high enough dose during that time

To see if a particular SRI will work for you, it’s important to try it for a total of at least 12 to 16 weeks, while reaching a high dose if possible (unless a lower dose works for you) for at least 3 of those weeks. This is called an “adequate” trial. The trial is considered “inadequate” if you don’t reach a high enough dose or if you try the medicine for less than a total of 3 months. An inadequate trial may not be sufficient to successfully treat BDD.

Studies indicate that the vast majority (nearly 90%) of SRI treatments that people with BDD receive aren’t optimal (reaching the highest dose) for this disorder. And two-thirds of SRI treatments that are received aren’t even minimally adequate for BDD.

You need to take the medicine every day as prescribed

It’s very important to take the medication every day, exactly as prescribed, even if it doesn’t seem to be helping. If you take less than prescribed, or you take it sporadically, it may not work as well or at all. If you have trouble remembering to take it every day, try using a pill box (which you can buy at a pharmacy), setting an alarm, or finding another way to remember. If you don’t want to take the medicine as prescribed because of side effects or because you have concerns about it, it’s better to discuss your concerns with your doctor, rather than stopping the medicine or not taking it as prescribed.

Try to be patient; SRIs usually begin to work gradually

Occasionally, the medication begins to work suddenly. Some people can pinpoint the day, or even the hour, that it starts working. But typically, it starts working gradually. People say things like “I felt a little better three days ago and today, but not for very long, so I don’t know if it’s really working.” Don’t get discouraged if the medicine takes a while to work and you get off to a slow start. With more time on the medicine, these brief intermittent spurts of improvement gradually develop into more sustained periods of well-being. Good hours gradually turn into entire good days. Good days then become good weeks, months, and years.

If you improve with an SRI, you’re likely to continue to feel well for as long as you take it

In my clinical experience, the vast majority of people who improve with an SRI continue to feel well over months and even years while taking the medication. Some patients I’ve treated have done well on the medication for more than a decade. In fact, many people say that the longer they take the SRI, the better they feel. I’ve found that about 40% of people who improve with an SRI in the first 3 months of treatment continue to improve even more over the next 6 months. I’ve also found that fewer than 10% of people who respond to an SRI experience a full return of their BDD symptoms while continuing to take the SRI.

Continue an effective SRI for a year or two, or even longer

Clinical guidelines recommend staying on an effective SRI for at least a year or two, even if you’re feeling better. You may want to stay on it longer than that, especially if you’ve tried stopping an SRI in the past and your symptoms returned, or if your BDD has been severe. A year or more of decreased symptoms can allow you to get back to work or do your job more effectively, socialize more, and start enjoying your life.

If you decide to stop an effective SRI, plan this carefully with your doctor

There’s no way to predict whether your symptoms will return if you stop an SRI. Some people assume that if they’ve had CBT while taking an SRI that they can safely stop the SRI, but this shouldn’t be assumed to be true; this, too, can’t be predicted, and your symptoms could return.

What to do about side effects, if they occur

Like all medications, the SRIs have the potential to cause side effects. In general, however, the SRIs are well tolerated. If side effects occur, they’re often quite minimal, and they may improve or disappear on their own with the passage of time. Most people have no side effects or fairly minimal and tolerable ones. Side effects are most likely to occur early in treatment (for example, within the first few weeks). This can be frustrating, because often the medicine hasn’t had a chance to work yet. It helps to be patient! But with more time, they may disappear. Side effects are also more likely to occur when the dose is raised.

Nonetheless, side effects can occur. Some of the more common ones are nausea, insomnia, feeling jittery, fatigue, sweating, decreased appetite, and decreased sex drive and sexual functioning (although sometimes sex drive and functioning improve with an SRI because people are no longer as depressed or self-conscious about their body). Clomipramine (Anafranil) can cause dry mouth and constipation. These side effects are tolerable for many people, and they go away after stopping the medication. None of the SRIs have life-threatening side effects. People with BDD who experience side effects are often willing to tolerate them because they so appreciate the symptom relief they obtain.

When side effects do occur, they can often be reduced. Here are a few possible approaches that you and your doctor can consider:

  1. Keep taking the medicine and wait: Often, side effects diminish or disappear simply with the passage of time, as your body adjusts to the medicine.
  2. Change the time the medicine is taken: Certain side effects may improve by doing this. For example, if an SRI makes you tired (which is pretty uncommon), this side effect may go away—and possibly improve your sleep—if you take it at bedtime instead of in the morning.
  3. Slow down the rate at which the dose is being raised: If your doctor is in the process of trying to raise your dose to get it high enough to work, one alternative is to slow down the rate at which the dose is being increased. This will give your body more time to adjust to the medicine. If and when the side effects become more tolerable, you can try raising the dose again.
  4. Lower the dose: If side effects are more problematic and not tolerable on the current dose, your doctor can slowly decrease the dose (while watching carefully for worsening of BDD or depressive symptoms) to see if side effects disappear. If they do, an attempt can then be made to increase the dose again if BDD symptoms are still present.
  5. Add other medications to try to counteract side effects: There are many potentially helpful options, depending on the side effect you’re experiencing.
  6. Try other options: Depending on the side effect, there are other options that may help. For example, if the medicine makes you feel jittery, lowering caffeine intake may help. Of if it causes some nausea, it may help to take the medicine with some food. Often, such strategies are helpful. If they aren’t, you and your doctor can consider trying another SRI. You may tolerate one better than another.
An important reminder:

Be sure your doctor knows you have BDD. Don’t just tell him or her that you have just depression or anxiety. A common clinical error is to focus treatment on depression rather than BDD. This often leads to use of an antidepressant other than an SRI, too brief an SRI trial, or an SRI dose that’s too low for BDD. In such cases, BDD (and the depression) may not improve. An effective medication regimen for depression won’t necessarily effectively treat BDD. However, an effective medication regimen for BDD will often effectively treat depression, whether or not the depression is due to BDD.

Post based on text by: Phillips, Katharine A. (2009-01-12). Understanding Body Dysmorphic Disorder Oxford University Press. 

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) Tagged With: Average Dose, BDD, Body, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Brand, Brand Name, Dosage, Efficacy, Generic, Generic Name, Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor, SNRI, SRI, SSRI, Studies, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

Going off Lexapro for my BDD: More Sleep and Better Sex!

November 12, 2012 By Stephen

I won’t lie, I had wonderful sex with my wife last night.  This was so needed, and I am telling you this because the Lexapro ruined my ability to achieve an orgasm.

This was upsetting, yes I know I was taking it to feel better, but the Lexapro was not making me feel better. I increased my dose up to 20mg (as was recommended) but I felt worse.

I developed diarrhea, and bad GI side effects. I started to have bad headaches and felt nauseous.

I didn’t even realize that this was all from the medicine until I weaned myself off and started to feel better.

The SSRI Myth?

I know I did not follow protocol for the treatment of BDD with my SSRI.  Maybe because I am a skeptic to begin with.  I prescribe a lot of these medications and was happy I could try them. I was glad they were available to me as an option.

I did believe that they could help, until they didn’t.

I not only had good sex, but I also slept great the last two nights this was such a break from the constant insomnia. And I was happy to be off the Ambien. I am hoping to stay this way.

The Poem That Changed My Life

I am not sure why I feel better. It may go back to a poem I read and posted last week. A poem that reminds us that life is not a “dress rehearsal.” This was powerful.

Maybe posting the picture of my scar helped. Maybe taking the time to read about others with facial scars. Or maybe it was somewhere on my long run through the woods that it just didn’t seem as important.

What people cared about me, or how I felt about myself, just didn’t seem as important.

Maybe it was good to go out for drinks with my sister! Despite drinking too much as treatment of depression, getting out and testing my theories with exposure always helps.

Life After Lexapro

I am taking 6000 IU of vitamin D3 and Nordic Naturals Ultimate Omega.  There is research that shows higher levels of DHA (that are part of an Omega supplement) can work as well as conventional prescription antidepressants.

Or possibly so could Botulism Toxin!

I am feeling well on the above combo, sleeping better and I have more energy. There is something to be said about natural cures for BDD. Most definitely a future post.

 

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: BDD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Botox, Botulism, Lecapro, Natural, Omega 3, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

My Facial Scar – Overcoming BDD Along With My Worst Fears

November 10, 2012 By Stephen

It’s hard for me to post this picture. But I am doing it because I feel like I am on an island.

Scars are quite common, I have sewed up many a laceration in my time as a family practice physician assistant, but facial scars are a different beast.

I didn’t understand this until I received one.

I have talked about my scar on this blog several times, I was too afraid and too ashamed to post the picture until today. This injury happened about two months ago,while surfing.  I took the tail of a 40 lb. fiberglass long-board to my face.  It was a total accident, but two months later I am left with a rather large and unsightly atrophic scar.

I will post this as well when I feel ready to face my own image.

Since my injury I have been hard pressed to find people with large facial scars. I am not sure if it is my BDD or just the fact that I have a facial scar and I compare my face with everybody.

When I do find somebody I spend the rest of our time together analyzing their facial scar, and it is not like I really care, but I want to know how they deal with theirs.  Of course I would never say this out-loud it is something I do in my mind, behind the scenes.

I have been searching for emotional support, it is hard. There isn’t much support out there for people with facial scars. It is even surprisingly hard to find good, trusted information about surgical revision or laser treatments… Something I have been thinking more about lately.

All Aboard the Ugly Train: Passengers – One

People have been surprisingly cruel as well. I never saw this coming. I thought dealing with a facial scar would be a solitary journey.  But no it is not, it involves a ride on the “ugly train.”

It is like a nightmare, and no matter how hard I try I can’t get off.

In last two months I have been repeatedly called scar-face,  my scar has been endlessly critiqued, leading up to Halloween I actually had several people asked me if I “was going to use my face as part of my costume…”  That one left me traumatized for the good part of the following weekend. Actually still does.

I have had people tell me they were surprised it didn’t heel better, that it was more “sunken” then they would have thought, that it was looking worse.  I actually can’t believe people say these things.  Many a conversation have been had with my scar in place of my eyes.

Now I find I can no longer look people in their eyes, because then I start to think about my scar. I am constantly scanning their gaze.

It’s Just a Scar

It is just a scar, it does not define me, it is part of me now,  it is part of my face.  Yes, I may be able to get some type of cosmetic surgery to make it better in the next 18 months, but should I have to? I am the one with BDD, if people only knew how these comments affect me.  How when they make them I drive home suicidal, how I feel like a monster, how I am afraid to even kiss my wife or be around people who I know.

At first I was even afraid to see the reactions of my own children.  They of course look easily past it, they see their dad, not a scar.

It gets old… The comments. There is an endless stream, I have become open territory on which others (I assume) can displace their own body image concerns.

My patients have been surprisingly kind and thoughtful, not one has hardly said a thing. Yet, in the medical community there is a belief I guess that you can fix everything. So when they see my new, infinitely less “beautiful” face, they say things.  Horrible things. Really surprisingly horrible things.

All this, and I have skin issues already that are related to my BDD. They were in my mind before, nobody once said anything about my skin prior to this injury, yet I still hated it.

Now as I test my theories and my notions of my imperfections, they are confirmed.  To a person with BDD this is particularly devastating.

Getting on With Life

I heard this poem today while on a run it is by Jon Blais who died of ALS. He is still the only person to have ever completed an Ironman triathlon with ALS.

By Jon Blais (August 1971-May 2007)

Live…
More than your neighbors.
Unleash yourself upon the world and go places.
Go now.
Giggle, no, laugh.
No… stay out past dark,
And bark at the moon like the wild dog that you are.
Understand that this is not a dress rehearsal.
This is it… your life.
Face your fears and live your dreams.
Take it in.
Yes, every chance you get…
come close.
And, by all means, whatever you do…
Get it on film.

I like this saying about life “not being a dress rehearsal.” The time I spend lamenting this is getting me nowhere.  The more depressed I become, the more I hide from the world, the less I live. And this is time, the only thing I have, and I am giving it to those people who treat me badly.  They don’t deserve it.

Starting to Live

I am using this blog to work through my BDD and this facial scar. I decided on my run today, while listening to this poem that I have had enough.  Now I just have to figure out how to live like that.

Looking for support? Make sure to check out:

Changing Faces: An amazing community for those of us with facial disfigurements. 

Filed Under: Facial Scar, Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: Acceptance, Anxiety, BDD, Cruelty, Facial, Facial Scar, How to Deal, Scar, Scar Face, Social Anxiety, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

Body Dysmorphic Disorder – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – Exposure Worksheet

November 4, 2012 By Stephen

Here is the exposure worksheet I adapted from Feeling Good about the Way You Look: A Program for Overcoming Body Image Problems.

I have included an example of a completed CBT exposure worksheet below as well.

I hope to complete some of these exercises on line over the next several weeks. If you happen upon this post feel free to do one of these exposure worksheets with me in the comments section. I will be happy to help.

Exposure Worksheet – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for BDD

[scribd id=111975695 key=key-ksv4qwmk1z7pq36pjg8 mode=scroll]

 


 

Completed Exposure Worksheet Sample – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for BDD

[scribd id=112129102 key=key-2e9krmhoedbx4ygbyeke mode=scroll]

 


 

I you haven’t already, please read and follow the guidelines from Feeling Good about the Way You Look: A Program for Overcoming Body Image Problems.

It is an amazing book that I recommend along with counseling. It may work well alone if you are highly motivated and organized!

 

Filed Under: Feeling Good About The Way You Look, Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) Tagged With: BDD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Exposure, Therapy, Treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), Worksheet

  • 1
  • 2
  • Next Page »