BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Before You Pull The Trigger – Try Putting the Gun Away

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Trigger: A small device that releases a spring or catch and so sets off a mechanism, esp. in order to fire a gun.

Pull-The-Trigger

I had to pull down the mirror in our bathroom last night.

That is truly a sad state of affairs. But I did this in an effort to remove my TRIGGERS:  Those things in my life that hold me back, that ruin my day, that work against me.

HOW TO FIND YOUR TRIGGERS

Finding triggers for BDD is simple. All you have to do is think about the times where you give into your obsessive and hateful self talk and then identify what you were doing right before that moment.

For me, my triggers are:

  1. In the car (I tend to look in the rear view mirror and check my scar)
  2. In car windows: I can see the atrophic nature of my scar even worse here, it is one of the most abusive acts I do to myself. But I still can’t stop.
  3. In other reflective surfaces such as laptops and cellphones: Just like car windows this reflective surface tends to over-accentuate my scar.
  4. In areas of commerce: I can’t go clothes shopping, because the overhead lights in combination with mirrors is the worst.
  5. Close up photos: Eek! I always focus on my facial defect.

The majority of my unhappiness with myself comes from ideals and expectations that are built upon fantasies. And I am aware of this. Yet the above triggers are aspects of the world I would be better without. But as you already know, this is usually an impossibility.

REMOVING TRIGGERS

As I mentioned, last night I took down our bathroom mirror. This involved a power driver and some precision. As I lifted it away and put it into storage I took one last hateful stare at myself. Took a deep breath, and let it go.

It felt good to put away that hateful mirror. It was like punching a bully in the face, and then sending him out to pasture.

My wife woke up the next morning with an empty wall, and my kids asked where the mirror had gone. I told my wife the truth, I haven’t told my kids anything.

IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT PEOPLE THINK

Framing-My-Self-Image

I tell my kids that it is not their job in life to gain the approval of others.

That they need to develop a strong identity, and self worth. One that is not based on the opinions of others, but grounded in the fact that they are unique, beautiful and perfect the way they are.

And here I sit.

It is a dichotomy that fails to cure. With BDD I can clearly understand the nature of contentment, yet I am unable to find a place for it in my own life.

YOU CAN’T CONTROL THE WORLD

Guess what, I can’t remove all the worlds mirrors, just as I can’t break all the windows in my car (although sometimes I want to).

And this may be where Body Dysmorphic Disorder is like an addiction.

If you are an alcoholic, you can stop drinking, but you can’t remove all the alcohol in the world. If you are a smoker, you can stop smoking but there will always be cigarettes.  If you are addicted to internet porn, you can stop frequenting your favorite adult websites, but there will always be another popup.

So removing triggers is not always a viable solution. But I do believe it can help.

I told my wife that my goal is to bring the mirror back.  And that may be a defining moment in my life. In fact now I am using it as a goal.

To bring the mirror back, to stare my “bully” in the eye and say fuck you, I love myself!

Best,

Stephen

What Are Your Thoughts and Beliefs about Your Appearance?

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If you have severe appearance concerns, you might think others notice your flaw and are repelled by it.

I worry that anyone I talk to will look at my defect, and then I feel ashamed of it. I’m extremely suspicious of compliments, maybe that is why I hardly ever get them.

I tend to think others are talking and laughing about my flaw.

The other day when I walked out of a store and noticed two individuals of the opposite sex looking in my direction and giggling. I immediately thought, “They must be laughing about my scar.” If I can’t stop thinking about my scar, I reasoned, how could anyone else?

Even though I had no evidence to support this assumption, I spent the rest of the afternoon  feeling sad and discouraged.

“I am on the inside as I am on the outside”

Many people also assume that the defect they’re sure they have is a visible manifestation of some character flaw.

Personal worth and physical appearance become commingled and confused.

When I look at my scar in the mirror I tend to think  I look “really ugly and mean.” How I am on the inside, that’s how I look on the outside: bad and repulsive.

If you hold similar beliefs about the relationship of appearance and self-worth, you’re really in trouble when you think your appearance is imperfect.

As a result, you might feel sad or anxious and start to avoid social activities. Or you might engage in all kinds of activities to fix whatever you consider the appearance problem to be.

That’s where I am: locked inside my mind, stuck behind me scar, unavailable to the world, to my children, and to my wife.  Afraid of the “ugly man I see”… too afraid to look in the mirror… too afraid of what I’ll see.