Family Archives - BDD SUCKS

Should I Tell My Kids I Have Body Dysmorphic Disorder?

January 17, 2014 By Stephen

We all wish for our kids to be strong, confident men and women.

We would tell them that they should respect and care about their bodies.

We would tell them to listen to their hearts, to be who they are, to not let the world dictate their decisions, or make them into something they aren’t.

Yet those of us with BDD are just the opposite.

We let the world dictate our day, we let the feelings of the thoughts of others make us who we are.

If we believe the world thinks we are monsters, then that is what we are, monsters.

We want our kids to live a different life.

My kids don’t know I have BDD, and it is my goal to make sure they never do.

It is not because I don’t want to tell them, because I do.

It is not because I want to protect them, because I know they can handle any truth.

It is because I want them to grow up respecting themselves.

I don’t want them to live in fear like their dad.

I want them to stand in front of the mirror and be proud of who they are.

I want them to know that they can be anything they see (or can imagine) in the world.

I want them to stand confident and proud.

I want them to be who I know I could be if I didn’t have BDD.

A man lost inside his mind, letting the world dictate who he is, afraid of his shadow, walking a fine line between sane and insane.

What would I do if my kids had BDD?

I would tell them they should love themselves as they are… perfect creations of God. Beautiful in every sense of the word.

So, no I am not going to tell my kids I have BDD.

I am instead going to overcome it, and in doing so I am going to tell (show) them a truth that all of us with BDD know deep in side but just can’t accept:

That we are “good enough”, we are just what we need to be, perfection is a lousy lot, we are beautiful, strong and capable human beings. Filled with love and compassion, here to have an experience of life.

Life if so fleeting, so impermanent, so precious. Let us not waste it on self pity and shame.

To send a different message to my kids would be to steel their time.

Don’t tell your kids you have BDD, instead tell them you love them and then show them the way you want them to be.

What People Say Matters – Can we be Convinced of our own Delusions?

October 28, 2012 By Stephen

One of the hardest parts of overcoming BDD is that it is extremely hard to separate reality from my distorted self images.

Even if I know my self image is distorted it often doesn’t make a difference.

All the self help books advise family members to avoid providing reassurance against a perceived image flaw.

I understand why this is the case and it makes sense. I advised my wife to do the same thing.

But upon returning home, dealing with my new facial scar over the last 1.5 months, nothing was better than having my mother-in-law stop and take time to tell me that my face was still beautiful. And you know what I could tell she meant it.

I had been traumatized by several comments that were made a few weeks ago by a colleague in response to the healing of my facial scar.

This stuck to my ribs, and is one of the reasons I fell into a deep depression. My mother in law really helped by giving me something else to frame my thoughts.

Reaffirmations

I think affirmation from loved ones in this case were exactly what I needed.

I know the books say not to do this, but I think to a certain degree well timed affirmations can help people with BDD.

One thing we need to work on is accepting compliments when we get them. Also it is better if we don’t seek them out. Not needing to hear these positive affirmations over and over again… Also believing people when they say things that they really mean.

I am thankful then for this gift from my mother in law, whose opinion means a lot to me. Who has helped me see that maybe some of my body image concerns just may be my own delusion.

How Family Can Help – Body Dysmorphic Disorder – A Letter From My Wife

October 5, 2012 By Stephen

I will wait for you. I love you. Right now you are on a journey that only you can traverse. I want to be your partner in this and try as I may.

I will always be doing the wrong thing most of the time. This doesn’t mean I’ll give up. It means I will do my best to let you go so you can come back, because you are worth waiting for. I look into your eyes and I hurt for you and want to find you. Somewhere you are still there whether you believe it or not.

We will wait for you to come back from the depths and grips of the trench you are in. We will love all of you, yes even your face and your scar. To me it’s just a mark showing the love of life you have, the love of the ocean, the love of peace surfing can bring you.

It hurts to know that something you loved so much, something that sometimes was the only solace in your life could scar you for life; inside and out.

Don’t let it do that to you. Sometimes best friends fight and it does leave a scar. We are always stronger once we come up for air from the depths of despair, for that is life. Your mental illness does not have to define you or chain you down.

I truly believe God loves you and is crying for you. You are my partner, lover, friend, father to my children and my other soul I need to enjoy the rest of my life with.

Yes, I know sometimes you feel I’d be better off without you, and yes sometimes I have felt the same in my depths of depression. But believe me, I would not. A giant hole will be left there, unable to fill but only to put a band-aid over each day.

You hurt, I hurt, but I know you can be happy again.

I will wait for you. I love you and all of you.

Your loving wife and partner for eternity,

Wendy