Tonight I have decided to sit down and take a good look at my triggers and unhealthy habit loops.

I might discuss alternative options to these habit loop in more detail later, but for now I will use this as an opportunity for self reflection.

I would encourage you to do the same.

• What are you BDD triggers?
• What do your unhealthy habit loops look like?
• What alternative “habit loops” can you think of?

MY TRIGGERS

1. Mirrors
2. Windows
3. People (Social Interaction)
4. Face Touching
5. Overhead Lighting

MY HABIT “LOOPS”

MY SOCIAL INTERACTION LOOP

Meet person → think about my scar → talk with person → scan there eyes to see if their gaze is on my scar → think about my scar → do they see it? I think so → think about my scar → maybe they do see it →  anxiety → think about my scar → realize the person doesn’t care about my scar → think about my scar → become uncomfortable → think about my scar → feel anxiety and try to end discomfort → think about my scar → cut the interaction short → feel like crap → blame my scar → continue behaviors of avoiding → feel less anxiety → blame my scar → scar begins to define me → social isolation, poor relationships → less anxiety → reward is less anxiety consequence → lost interactions → social isolation → sadness → depression → self hate → suicidal thoughts → dead on inside if not out.

Some possible options: 

Option 1: Avoid social interaction

Horrible and self defeating option

Option 2:  Change thinking to take the focus off myself

Meet the person → think about the person → listen to the person → send love to the person → person feels understood → enjoys my company → new friend → new interaction → I feel better → make their day better → chance for growth and connection.

MY MIRROR LOOP

See a mirror → try to avoid the mirror → give into the mirror → see my scar → try to get a closer look → see if it looks bad in this current light → no → try to make it look bad → I am always able to → feel bad → look closer → looks worse → feel depressed → angry → sad → hopeless → try to shake feelings → can’t → night is ruined.

Some possible options: 

Option 1: Avoid Mirrors (beginning step)

When washing hands don’ t look up into mirror.

When shopping for clothes don’t try clothes on in store.

Option 2:  Avoid close up mirror checking

See the whole picture and avoid eye contact with the perceived (or real) defect

MY WINDOW LOOP

On a run, walk, getting in the car → see a car window, store window, look into my phone → look for my scar → see deep crevices of scar (always bad in windows with natural light) → feel sad → helpless → angry → disgusted → afraid → unlovable.

MY SCAR TOUCHING LOOP

Touch my scar → feel its contour and depth → feel disgusted → push on it → try to make myself feel better → is it deep? → always the answer is yes → feel bad → self hate → disgust → need mirror check → may take a photo of it → feel even more sick → disgusted → anxious → self hate → self torment.

Some possible options: 

Option 1:

Don’t touch my scar.

CAMERA LOOPS

Take a picture → look for the scar → don’t see the scare → feel good → look harder → see the scar → feel horrible → self hate → anxiety → fear.

Some possible options: 

Option 1:  Avoid all pictures

bad option

Option 2: Avoid focusing on my scar

very hard to do

Option 3: Accept that I am moore than my scar

Impossible?

One thing that is apparent from this exercise, each of these triggers sets off a process that ends in self hate, anxiety, fear and disgust. And then oddly a desire to repeat the steps.

So the question is why would I voluntarily engage in any of these activities?  Some of these are part of life, like mirrors and social interactions. What are my options?

The best option is always to accept that I am more than my perceived (or real) defect and to find the beauty in it.

Can I ever get there?