BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Should I Tell My Kids I Have Body Dysmorphic Disorder?

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We all wish for our kids to be strong, confident men and women.

We would tell them that they should respect and care about their bodies.

We would tell them to listen to their hearts, to be who they are, to not let the world dictate their decisions, or make them into something they aren’t.

Yet those of us with BDD are just the opposite.

We let the world dictate our day, we let the feelings of the thoughts of others make us who we are.

If we believe the world thinks we are monsters, then that is what we are, monsters.

We want our kids to live a different life.

My kids don’t know I have BDD, and it is my goal to make sure they never do.

It is not because I don’t want to tell them, because I do.

It is not because I want to protect them, because I know they can handle any truth.

It is because I want them to grow up respecting themselves.

I don’t want them to live in fear like their dad.

I want them to stand in front of the mirror and be proud of who they are.

I want them to know that they can be anything they see (or can imagine) in the world.

I want them to stand confident and proud.

I want them to be who I know I could be if I didn’t have BDD.

A man lost inside his mind, letting the world dictate who he is, afraid of his shadow, walking a fine line between sane and insane.

What would I do if my kids had BDD?

I would tell them they should love themselves as they are… perfect creations of God. Beautiful in every sense of the word.

So, no I am not going to tell my kids I have BDD.

I am instead going to overcome it, and in doing so I am going to tell (show) them a truth that all of us with BDD know deep in side but just can’t accept:

That we are “good enough”, we are just what we need to be, perfection is a lousy lot, we are beautiful, strong and capable human beings. Filled with love and compassion, here to have an experience of life.

Life if so fleeting, so impermanent, so precious.  Let us not waste it on self pity and shame.

To send a different message to my kids would be to steel their time.

Don’t tell your kids you have BDD, instead tell them you love them and then show them the way you want them to be.

The Fog is Lifting – Turning Scars into Stars

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I have learned not to trust my day-to-day feelings.

Over the years they have been known to deceive me.  At times the feeling of joy and a lack of worry pervade.

At other times I am left to drown in the throes of deep depression.  I don’t always know what tomorrow will bring.

Standing up instead of falling down

I stood up for myself last week at work. A colleague had been harsh regarding my scar.  It left me depressed and afraid to leave my home.

Then my sister and wife reminded me that I don’t have to be a victim to these attacks.  They reminded me that I have control to some degree over these hurtful comments… It is quite simple actually, you just need to ask them to stop.

Believe it or not, I wasn’t aware that this was an option.  The fear and anxiety his comments provoked were paralyzing and I felt helpless to them.  It may have been the feelings of helplessness that affected me most.

So, the following week when I saw him and he started to make a comment I simply asked him to stop.  And that was it, it was if he didn’t realize comments about my facial scar would be hurtful. This surprised me maybe as much as him.  I didn’t need to mention my BDD, why would I?  I simply needed to ask him to stop. That gave me a power that before I did not know I had.

Getting off the Antidepressants for my BDD

I am not sure if this has been beneficial, but it certainly hasn’t hurt. And to some degree I am much happier off of them.

I am sleeping much better, and as I mentioned have been off of the Ambien.

Having treated many people with antidepressants I can definitely say they help some people more than others.  For me they made me nauseas, effected my sleep and sex life in such negative ways that the side effects were outweighing the benefits.

Today is a new day

Today we are on a short trip away from home with the family.  Yesterday I felt great, today I feel less great, but I feel better than the day before. For whatever it is worth, at least I don’t feel like hurting myself, and this is worth a lot.

As the cool November air replaces the sizzle of summer, I feel at peace. Sitting by a fire-place, enjoying coffee with family and friends, enjoying life.

BDD is a life suck, and a time suck.  It detracts from life which is perfect.  BDD is the result of our doubt… doubt that the way things are is the way things were meant to be.  It is a result of our lack of control and our desire to control.

Life without BDD is just around the corner, it is out there… I just can’t seem to grab hold for long.