BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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To This Day

January 15, 2014 By Stephen

Instructions for a bad day Ted Radio Hour Overcoming

We weren’t the only kids who grew up this way
to this day
kids are still being called names
the classics were
hey stupid
hey spaz
seems like each school has an arsenal of names
getting updated every year
and if a kid breaks in a school
and no one around chooses to hear
do they make a sound?
are they just the background noise
of a soundtrack stuck on repeat
when people say things like
kids can be cruel?
every school was a big top circus tent
and the pecking order went
from acrobats to lion tamers
from clowns to carnies
all of these were miles ahead of who we were
we were freaks
lobster claw boys and bearded ladies
oddities
juggling depression and loneliness playing solitaire spin the bottle
trying to kiss the wounded parts of ourselves and heal
but at night
while the others slept
we kept walking the tightrope
it was practice
and yeah
some of us fell

Beware of Dog - To This Day

but I want to tell them
that all of this shit
is just debris
leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought
we used to be
and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little longer
because there’s something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
“they were wrong”
because maybe you didn’t belong to a group or a click
maybe they decided to pick you last for basketball or everything
maybe you used to bring bruises and broken teeth
to show and tell but never told
because how can you hold your ground
if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it
you have to believe that they were wrong

they have to be wrong

why else would we still be here?
we grew up learning to cheer on the underdog
because we see ourselves in them
we stem from a root planted in the belief
that we are not what we were called we are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on a highway
and if in some way we are
don’t worry
we only got out to walk and get gas
we are graduating members from the class of
fuck off we made it
not the faded echoes of voices crying out
names will never hurt me

of course
they did

but our lives will only ever always
continue to be
a balancing act
that has less to do with pain
and more to do with beauty.

http://tothisdayproject.com

http://www.shanekoyczan.com/

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: beauty

My List of Lies

December 26, 2013 By Stephen

  • I am worth nothing if my image is flawed
  • People will not like me if my image is flawed
  • People only care about my appearance
  • People will stare at me and feel disgust when they spend time with me
  • I look scary because of my scar
  • I look angry or “evil” because of my scar
  • I look disfigured because of my scar and this makes me unlovable
  • I am unlovable
  • I need to be afraid
  • People don’t want to associate with me because of my appearance
  • My appearance is monstrous
  • My appearance is grossly abnormal
  • Kids will be afraid of me because of the way I look
  • My children won’t want to associate with me because of the way I look
  • I am ugly
  • I am disgusting
  • I am worthless
  • I am better off dead

Believe it or not these thoughts are all part of who I used to be… I say used to be because in 2014 my goal is to let this list (which is actively working in my mind as I write) perish in the new year. I will make my new list tomorrow. One that explains my list of truths. The one I can hold up when the lies threaten to take over. These are lies, they may not always seem like it but I know they are. They hold me back, they take away from my joy, they distract from the goal… Love and care for others, be present, love ourselves, be kind to others and ourselves. Life is better in this mental space.

BDD, is not only a pack of lies, it is a distraction from the wonder and beauty of life! What a WASTE!

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: BDD, beauty, WASTE

Before You Pull The Trigger – Try Putting the Gun Away

July 19, 2013 By Stephen

Trigger: A small device that releases a spring or catch and so sets off a mechanism, esp. in order to fire a gun.

Pull-The-Trigger

I had to pull down the mirror in our bathroom last night.

That is truly a sad state of affairs. But I did this in an effort to remove my TRIGGERS:  Those things in my life that hold me back, that ruin my day, that work against me.

HOW TO FIND YOUR TRIGGERS

Finding triggers for BDD is simple. All you have to do is think about the times where you give into your obsessive and hateful self talk and then identify what you were doing right before that moment.

For me, my triggers are:

  1. In the car (I tend to look in the rear view mirror and check my scar)
  2. In car windows: I can see the atrophic nature of my scar even worse here, it is one of the most abusive acts I do to myself. But I still can’t stop.
  3. In other reflective surfaces such as laptops and cellphones: Just like car windows this reflective surface tends to over-accentuate my scar.
  4. In areas of commerce: I can’t go clothes shopping, because the overhead lights in combination with mirrors is the worst.
  5. Close up photos: Eek! I always focus on my facial defect.

The majority of my unhappiness with myself comes from ideals and expectations that are built upon fantasies. And I am aware of this. Yet the above triggers are aspects of the world I would be better without. But as you already know, this is usually an impossibility.

REMOVING TRIGGERS

As I mentioned, last night I took down our bathroom mirror. This involved a power driver and some precision. As I lifted it away and put it into storage I took one last hateful stare at myself. Took a deep breath, and let it go.

It felt good to put away that hateful mirror. It was like punching a bully in the face, and then sending him out to pasture.

My wife woke up the next morning with an empty wall, and my kids asked where the mirror had gone. I told my wife the truth, I haven’t told my kids anything.

IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT PEOPLE THINK

Framing-My-Self-Image

I tell my kids that it is not their job in life to gain the approval of others.

That they need to develop a strong identity, and self worth. One that is not based on the opinions of others, but grounded in the fact that they are unique, beautiful and perfect the way they are.

And here I sit.

It is a dichotomy that fails to cure. With BDD I can clearly understand the nature of contentment, yet I am unable to find a place for it in my own life.

YOU CAN’T CONTROL THE WORLD

Guess what, I can’t remove all the worlds mirrors, just as I can’t break all the windows in my car (although sometimes I want to).

And this may be where Body Dysmorphic Disorder is like an addiction.

If you are an alcoholic, you can stop drinking, but you can’t remove all the alcohol in the world. If you are a smoker, you can stop smoking but there will always be cigarettes.  If you are addicted to internet porn, you can stop frequenting your favorite adult websites, but there will always be another popup.

So removing triggers is not always a viable solution. But I do believe it can help.

I told my wife that my goal is to bring the mirror back.  And that may be a defining moment in my life. In fact now I am using it as a goal.

To bring the mirror back, to stare my “bully” in the eye and say fuck you, I love myself!

Best,

Stephen

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: BDD, beauty, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, overcoming, Self Worth, triggers