The Cure for BDD is inside each of us.

It is hidden below layers upon layers of fear and rejection and the comfort that comes with avoidance.

I spent three years avoiding everything that scared me, and I lost a wonderful three years and millions of perfectly decent heartbeats.

Our heart only beats once, so why waste it?

I had to stop my heart in order to restart it. Literally, stepping away from my life and shocking myself into a new rhythm.

I brought my family along with me, who held my hand, and walked beside me… For that I am forever grateful and unbelievably blessed.

But we all have something to hold onto, no matter how hopeless it seems.

Three years of hiding, and now as I emerge from the shadows of very dark places, I welcome the sun and radiant heat of life upon my skin.

The cure is inside me, when I open my eyes and look beyond the superficial condemnation I place upon myself and into the minds of those who love me, not for how I look but for who I am.

And this journey with BDD makes me stronger, more capable of love beyond my wildest dreams, more capable to hurt, more capable to accept joy and more understanding of the precious nature of time.

I can feel my cure, burning hot inside my heart, just waiting to release me, and pour this love into the world and back into those who have suffered this journey with me.

I love you all so much!

Today begins a new day, I have said it 1,000 times.

Today I feel great, tomorrow better, the following day like shit again. Kind of an endless cycle. It has been well over three years and not a day goes by where I don’t ponder my existence living with a scarred face.

Get on with it for God’s sake I tell myself.  Life hasn’t changed a bit, the only thing that has changed was my perception of me in it.

Its quality somehow diminished by this eternal, atrophic flaw.

Oh how it defines me.

This weekend in church I felt something I haven’t in awhile, close to God. It was nice, not sitting there desperate for some type of answer or solution to my menial little problem. Give onto others, let my love and gifts shine onto others, and then the world, and I, will be a better person in it.

Be the vehicle for Gods love, instead of waiting for all the answers.

It seemed so clear and perfect for a bit, then came tomorrow.

Today, was a good day, there are big developments on the horizon and I have made some new connections.  Connections, despite the way my face feels and the way I hate existing in it.

Keep moving on, smile, bring it, share gratitude and grace… I can get through this. One day at a time.

It’s been tough lately, we are headed home.

I can’t believe it has been a year since we left California on a 24-hour flight to South Africa to begin a year of travel around the world.

We have spent the last month in Taiwan, and it has been more than I could have ever imagined.

Traveling with our 2 small children has had its up and its down. I would say many more ups than downs, but then again, after a trip like this we are more likely to filter away the bad stuff.

Living together in small rooms, out of backpacks, eating not always so healthy food, but exploring the world and taking life as it comes has been a truly epic experience.

I can’t believe it’s done, I can’t believe the journey is over.

We left for the year because at 38 my life has needed a reset. This was a grand experiment of sorts: do something that scares the hell out of you and see if it is enough to knock some sense in you.

I would like to say after a year of travel, of meeting fascinating, wonderful people, venturing to strange and exotic places, working day in and day our as a family to overcome many obstacles… solved my BDD problem. But it didn’t.

Before I left I was suicidal, I am happy to report a year later that that thought is way off my radar. I still can’t go outside, stand in elevators, or brightly lit rooms without feeling self-conscious. But that is what I am going to work on when I get home.

One thing I know now is that BDD requires therapeutic support. Having overcome my bout of BDD in college I thought I could will it away. The second time has been tough, because of the permanence of my facial scars after my accident 2 years ago.

Nobody cared or noticed in the past 346 days while traveling through the world. I made many friends and interesting acquaintances. My idea of what is normal in life has changed drastically.

I see the world as a loving and harmonious place.

I downloaded a new iPhone app called Talkspace which is supposed to hook you up with an online counselor. I suppose nobody wanted to help a person with BDD, because even a week after I signed up for the service, not one counselor contacted me.

I decided to give it a try because studies have shown that virtual psychiatric care is just as beneficial as the in-person kind, and I could afford $25 per week. The truth is, I need to invest in my future by spending money on a good counselor. This has always been the barrier that kept me from doing the right thing and getting the help I need. I fear it is more of an excuse though.

If anything came from our trip it is this: and understanding that I need help.

I also am going to force myself to sign up for a club. I am thinking a cycling club would be good. Or possibly taking a sport such as Brazilian Jujitsu. We had the opportunity to spend a week doing Maui Thai kickboxing as a family in Thailand and it was a great way to work out some aggression. I may take the class with my 5-year old son who really loved it, and I will try to talk my daughter into it so that we can make it a father/kids bonding experience.

That is the update for now, I am super excited to see the US pass a gay rights bill in the courts yesterday. It gives me hope that the future of the US is a bright one. As someone who suffers from body dysmorphia I have always felt it was a tragic front on civil liberties to deny homosexuals the same rights as all Americans. This makes me feel a lot better about the country my family is returning home to!

Cheers!