Trigger: A small device that releases a spring or catch and so sets off a mechanism, esp. in order to fire a gun.
I had to pull down the mirror in our bathroom last night.
That is truly a sad state of affairs. But I did this in an effort to remove my TRIGGERS: Those things in my life that hold me back, that ruin my day, that work against me.
HOW TO FIND YOUR TRIGGERS
Finding triggers for BDD is simple. All you have to do is think about the times where you give into your obsessive and hateful self talk and then identify what you were doing right before that moment.
For me, my triggers are:
- In the car (I tend to look in the rear view mirror and check my scar)
- In car windows: I can see the atrophic nature of my scar even worse here, it is one of the most abusive acts I do to myself. But I still can’t stop.
- In other reflective surfaces such as laptops and cellphones: Just like car windows this reflective surface tends to over-accentuate my scar.
- In areas of commerce: I can’t go clothes shopping, because the overhead lights in combination with mirrors is the worst.
- Close up photos: Eek! I always focus on my facial defect.
The majority of my unhappiness with myself comes from ideals and expectations that are built upon fantasies. And I am aware of this. Yet the above triggers are aspects of the world I would be better without. But as you already know, this is usually an impossibility.
REMOVING TRIGGERS
As I mentioned, last night I took down our bathroom mirror. This involved a power driver and some precision. As I lifted it away and put it into storage I took one last hateful stare at myself. Took a deep breath, and let it go.
It felt good to put away that hateful mirror. It was like punching a bully in the face, and then sending him out to pasture.
My wife woke up the next morning with an empty wall, and my kids asked where the mirror had gone. I told my wife the truth, I haven’t told my kids anything.
IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT PEOPLE THINK
I tell my kids that it is not their job in life to gain the approval of others.
That they need to develop a strong identity, and self worth. One that is not based on the opinions of others, but grounded in the fact that they are unique, beautiful and perfect the way they are.
And here I sit.
It is a dichotomy that fails to cure. With BDD I can clearly understand the nature of contentment, yet I am unable to find a place for it in my own life.
YOU CAN’T CONTROL THE WORLD
Guess what, I can’t remove all the worlds mirrors, just as I can’t break all the windows in my car (although sometimes I want to).
And this may be where Body Dysmorphic Disorder is like an addiction.
If you are an alcoholic, you can stop drinking, but you can’t remove all the alcohol in the world. If you are a smoker, you can stop smoking but there will always be cigarettes. If you are addicted to internet porn, you can stop frequenting your favorite adult websites, but there will always be another popup.
So removing triggers is not always a viable solution. But I do believe it can help.
I told my wife that my goal is to bring the mirror back. And that may be a defining moment in my life. In fact now I am using it as a goal.
To bring the mirror back, to stare my “bully” in the eye and say fuck you, I love myself!
Best,
Stephen
his is a wonderful book! Written by the Director of the MGH OCD and Related Disorders Program, and Founder of the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Clinic, this book offers individuals suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder with critical tools to understand BDD and to bring their disorder under control. The step by step approach detailed in the book is exactly what is needed for patients and clinicians alike. I have enthusiastically been recommending it to all of my clients who have BDD, and to colleagues interested in learning more about it. This book offers new hope to the millions of people worldwide who live with this troubling, but treatable disorder.
