BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Scars are permanent and (Sometimes) People Suck

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After last years meet up between surfboard and face life has not been the same.

I haven’t left the house without some amount of anxiety for over 18 months.

Things were getting better until out of the blue this mysterious red, round irregular lesion appeared on my nose.

I reluctantly made an appointment with the dermatologist because I knew it was the right thing to do.

He told me it needed to be biopsied to make sure it wasn’t cancerous, so I agreed because he assured me that this would just be a “little scrape” off my nose, no big deal.

3 months later I am left with a dime size red, depressed scar on the tip of my nose.

I can hardly put into words just how much this one-two punch of the facial laceration, followed by this new scar has affected me.

I am back out doing the things I love but I have definitely cut myself off from many things because I can’t bear the anxiety I feel when I am out and about.

I scan everyone’s faces not to see if they are trustworthy, but to see if they have scars.

I want to meet someone who may know what I am going through. Know that it is possible to have these things happen and get over it.

The good news, and the hope that I have right now, stems from the fact that we are leaving the country in 10 days for the rest of the year.

Both my wife and I have quit our jobs, and we will be traveling with our kids.

This is as much about experiencing life as it is about getting some perspective on it.

I find when I am zeroed in and trapped in a loop of self loathing or depression I need to get out the proverbial paddles.

I couldn’t think of a greater way to shock myself out of this than to just go… anywhere.

I am lucky to have a family who is equally as supportive.

Also, while doing research on volunteer opportunities abroad I came across a volunteer center that helps kids with facial deformities.

It is in Bali Indonesia, the second stop on our trip.

I was thinking I might volunteer there, when you see people making it day to day with truly horrific facial afflictions it makes one realize that ones situation is not really that bad.

I have so much anger that I am holding onto against the dermatologist who cut my nose.

I also hold onto anger against the ER PA who before suturing my face made the comment “oh he is a medical provider (speaking about me) I hope he isn’t a complainer”.. Excuse my french, but what a bitch.

Anyway, it is neither here nor there, it is in the past.

One last note.

I attended a lecture on Buddhism this week, it is part of a world religions course my wife is taking through the church.

Having all this anger inside me against the nature of things I found the way the Buddhists approach life to be refreshing.

Basically life is a big bundle of suffering, even in joy there is suffering because the joy will end.

We can find peace by identifying with the changing nature of things, and when we understand that everything is impermanent we can find peace.

Our looks are impermanent.

Our loved ones are impermanent.

And of utmost important we are impermanent.

So really worry is a huge waste of time!

So why can’t I let it go?

The Fog is Lifting – Turning Scars into Stars

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I have learned not to trust my day-to-day feelings.

Over the years they have been known to deceive me.  At times the feeling of joy and a lack of worry pervade.

At other times I am left to drown in the throes of deep depression.  I don’t always know what tomorrow will bring.

Standing up instead of falling down

I stood up for myself last week at work. A colleague had been harsh regarding my scar.  It left me depressed and afraid to leave my home.

Then my sister and wife reminded me that I don’t have to be a victim to these attacks.  They reminded me that I have control to some degree over these hurtful comments… It is quite simple actually, you just need to ask them to stop.

Believe it or not, I wasn’t aware that this was an option.  The fear and anxiety his comments provoked were paralyzing and I felt helpless to them.  It may have been the feelings of helplessness that affected me most.

So, the following week when I saw him and he started to make a comment I simply asked him to stop.  And that was it, it was if he didn’t realize comments about my facial scar would be hurtful. This surprised me maybe as much as him.  I didn’t need to mention my BDD, why would I?  I simply needed to ask him to stop. That gave me a power that before I did not know I had.

Getting off the Antidepressants for my BDD

I am not sure if this has been beneficial, but it certainly hasn’t hurt. And to some degree I am much happier off of them.

I am sleeping much better, and as I mentioned have been off of the Ambien.

Having treated many people with antidepressants I can definitely say they help some people more than others.  For me they made me nauseas, effected my sleep and sex life in such negative ways that the side effects were outweighing the benefits.

Today is a new day

Today we are on a short trip away from home with the family.  Yesterday I felt great, today I feel less great, but I feel better than the day before. For whatever it is worth, at least I don’t feel like hurting myself, and this is worth a lot.

As the cool November air replaces the sizzle of summer, I feel at peace. Sitting by a fire-place, enjoying coffee with family and friends, enjoying life.

BDD is a life suck, and a time suck.  It detracts from life which is perfect.  BDD is the result of our doubt… doubt that the way things are is the way things were meant to be.  It is a result of our lack of control and our desire to control.

Life without BDD is just around the corner, it is out there… I just can’t seem to grab hold for long.