BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Starting an SSRI (Lexapro) for My Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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I am reading a wonderful book, if not the only real book on the successful treatment and management of BDD.

It is called Understanding Body Dysmorphic Disorder by Katharine A. Phillips.

It has been helpful. It has given me both clarity and confusion. Sometimes as a BDD sufferer the hardest thing to do is to differentiate what is real from what is a delusion.

This is where it is good to have a third party.

Treating BDD with an SSRI

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What the book definitely recommends is beginning treatment of your BDD with an SSRI.

There are many options and the studies she presents are from her own practice and are limited.

But she makes a convincing case for the use of antidepressants and reports significant benefits, in the realm of 85% response rate with the addition of an SSRI.

With that I decided it was time to give it a try.

Choosing the Right SSRI

Honestly, looking at her data they all seemed appropriate, most of her studies were based on a rather small sample size. But the choice seemed to come down to two.

  1. Lexapro
  2. Celexa

These are both generic and good inexpensive options.

With both medications, the point is to start low and then increase the dose based on the response. Usually, this can be done at two-week intervals and should be continued for 12 weeks regardless of the perceived benefit. As long as there are no really bad side effects. I will talk later about augmenting these SSRI’s or changing to a different SSRI. But for now I just want to talk about my experience.

Beginning Lexapro 10 mg daily for the treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder

So I started treatment of my BDD with Lexapro 10 mg taken first thing in the morning.

I started exactly 7 days ago.

I wish I could say I felt like a million bucks, but I really haven’t noticed much difference. The thing that makes the difference is sleep. Which to be honest during my recent “attack” has been hard to come by.

So, to overcome this I also started taking 10mg of Ambien (Zolpidem) at night. Last night was the first night I took the Ambien and I feel so much better. Simply relaxing my mind and finally getting some sleep did more for my mood than anything.

I don’t particularly want to take sleep medications, but if you are up at night worrying about your appearance I would highly recommend the addition of either a cheap generic sleep aid such as Ambien (Zolpidem) or if your anxiety is out of control maybe a benzodiazepine such as Diazepam at a dose of 5mg.

The anxiety is the hardest part for me to overcome. I am fine at home and while I sit here and write, but outside in the daylight when I am around people it is hard.

I haven’t talked much about what has made things so bad  recently, but it involves a recent accident I had, that caused a rather significant scar on my left cheek. This coupled with my underlying disorder has sent me over the edge. I will talk a bit more about this in the future.

If you have any questions feel free to drop a line in the comments section.

Acne and The Makings of Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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MY ESCAPE

I am thirty five, day one of this blog should have started over 18 years ago. But I was living in denial. The constant mirror checking, the self hatred, the shame, the fear of catching my reflection in a car window… The inability to enter a dressing room.

As a man the shame was even greater. I had to hide it even deeper. I am not vain, in fact I love everybody for who they are… Except for one person. Myself.

ACNE

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It began with Acne when I was in high school. I would stare at each pimple in contempt. It was a small thing at first.  And then I lost control. Everything I did to prevent each pimple only made things worse. They hurt, not just emotionally but physically. I could feel them on my face and I could feel people looking into them, looking past me.

It started as one, but as hormones took over one became many. And after time they would leave a small scar, a mark on my skin,  and shame was all that was left.

I would admire those who were scarred more than me who did not seem to care.

What I never understood was the casual response of others to my facial scarring .  I told very few people of my concerns over my skin and when I did it was only because I ran out of other options. When I was 16 I approached my mom seeking a trip to the doctor to find some kind of treatment for my skin.  She provided reassurance that my teenage acne was just a phase, and that mine was really not that bad.

In desperation I tried every product I could get my hands on.

First it was benzoyl peroxide 10%, several iterations of Oxy and Clearasil, this turned into excessive face washing.  I would carry skin cleansing alcohol pads in my bag at all times. I would sneak into the bathroom during my breaks to wash my face. Only in this clean and non oily state would I find a bit of peace. And then the oil would return, It was a disgusting layer that I was always conscious of.

The oil to me was a breeding ground for more acne and I was on the offensive. But the more I washed my face the more acne I would acquire. The acne blemishes seemed to always come at the wrong time. My first high school dance welcomed several new lesions. Those would remain for several months. Much longer than my date who left me after we entered the gymnasium.  Further proof, in my mind, that I was gross and unworthy of affection.

I finally made it to a dermatologist who started me on oral antibiotics. This helped so much! After the first month when the acne became worse I found my face clear for almost 3 whole months.  My confidence grew leaps and bounds, I would look at myself with affection for the first time. I remember this time quite well, it was the first time I could talk to someone face to face without the feeling of the blemishes on my face.

And then the antibiotics stopped working, the acne seemed to become worse, and now unstoppable. I retreated to what I knew best.

Washing and salicylic acid and topical antibiotics and more checking.

The avoidance of mirrors. The occasional avoidance of life.