BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Overcoming BDD with Manly Makeup – The Great Cover-UP

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Man-covering-scar-with-makeup-copy
18 months ago after I sustained my first facial laceration my wife tried to help by purchasing a product called “foundation”. I think I am spelling that right?

Her intentions were good, but unfortunately the idea of covering my inch long cheek scar with a female skin care product horrified me quiet possibly more than the scar itself.

So I threw it in a drawer and forgot about it.

Then I had the skin biopsy of my nose 3 weeks ago to check for cancer. A disaster of new epic proportions which has left a dime size dark red hyper-pigmented lesion on the bridge of my nose.

I spent the first two weeks in denial as I was able to cover it up with a band-aid. This was very reminiscent of my first facial laceration a year ago.

But there comes a time where you have to pull off the band aid.

As a BDD’er this is traumatic. Because revealing to the world this facial “flaw” is absolutely devastating.

I am not sure why it is so devastating for me. I am not sure if this is a side effect of my perfectionism or what exactly it is about revealing these facial lesions that petrifies me so much.

I took the band aid off and tried to make it through a Sunday. I couldn’t, and found myself on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Because I had taken a week off work already, I had to go back the next day.

Honestly, I was considering putting in my resignation letter or faking some type of emergency but I couldn’t. This redness will take months to resolve. And it may even need a course of laser therapy to reduce the scarring.

I was pissed at the Physician Assistant who did the skin biopsy because he didn’t really tell me what he was doing and he didn’t mention anything about scarring. I felt duped, angry and wishing to go back in time. I still do.

But what I did next helped.

I remembered that makeup my wife had bought a year ago and wondered if it could cover this flatter, discolored scar on my nose.

So I went to the bathroom found and opened the jar, dabbed it on the tip of my nose and “wala”…  It was so much better!

I have spent the last three days at work with makeup on my nose, a horrifying thought for a man like myself, I had night sweats thinking about somebody discovering this but it doesn’t really matter because believe it or not this got me through the week.

I won’t lie and say I wasn’t thinking about it constantly. Since I work in family practice medicine I am up close with patients all day and I really feared that one of them would see the makeup and make a comment, but it didn’t happen.

I worried that my coworkers would spot it and laugh at me. But this did not happen. I worried that I would accidentally wipe it off and make a complete fool out of myself and it didn’t happen.

I made it through the week and I am proud (or maybe not I don’t know) that I did it wearing manly makeup.

I am hoping that I will be able to laugh about this someday as I look back on it. But I think the key thing here is that you just have to do whatever it takes to make it through the day.

I had to swallow a lot of my pride when I put foundation on my nose. I am going out tonight to a bar with some friends and I am going to swallow my pride again as I dabble this on my nose and try to keep the beer glass rim from affecting my cover up. I can’t believe I just said that…. That is very not manly

But I am going to go out damn it, and I am not going to let this red mark or any other perceived deformity ruin my life any longer. Or at least to the degree that it has thus far.

I haven’t talked about it on the blog but our family is headed out on a round the world trip in just 3 months. This scar seemed poorly timed.

No matter how hard I have tried to see the good in it it has been difficult. I have prayed a lot on it, and I am not sure I really believe in prayer btw but I prayed anyway and I have found some answers if there are to be any.

One thing I have noticed is that with the new scar on my nose it has taken mental attention away from the scar on my cheek. There has been a certain amount of freedom with this… This has come as a total surprise.

The other thing I learned is that this thing called foundation is a pretty powerful tool and I am sure that this is what all the screen actors and professional models use. So when I compare myself to the world of the bold and the beautiful I am realizing that they probably also have facial flaws that they are hiding, and they aren’t as perfect as I have always figured them to be.

So there you have it, here is a story about a man wearing makeup and I am telling it because if you are a man with BDD and there is an area that is keeping you from living try some makeup it might help.

Is it a good long term solution? I don’t know maybe it is just worsening my BDD. But either way for now it seems to be helping and at least I am getting out of the house.

I am going to end with a daily gratitude:

1. I am grateful for my wife and children who shower me with their epic love and support despite my flaws.

2. I am so grateful for my best friend who I opened up to about my BDD last week. His support is proof positive that none of this bull shit self hate crap will stop the world from being full of wonderful people who don’t see you for your looks but see use for who we are inside… All beautiful people.

3. I am grateful for cover girl or whatever brand of makeup this stuff is… My God does it work well and it saved my last week and quite possibly my job. I will have to write the company a nice letter, and let them know that all that animal testing they do may actually do some good in this world.

4. And once again if you are reading this I am thankful for you. Know that you are loved for who you are, I see you, I know your there and quite possibly hurting and I want you to know that you are not alone. Also, that whatever pain or despair you may carry deep inside it will get better. BDD does not own your time, do not let it take your life… together we do have the power to overcome BDD!

– Stephen

Daily Gratitude – NOT!

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Today I am having a hard time finding anything to be grateful for. It was a hard day. 

I received the biopsy results from the curious lesion growing on my nose yesterday, and they were negative. For this I suppose I should be grateful… and I am. But now I have to figure out how I am going to deal with this unsightly dime size red scar on the front of my nose. 

I am wearing a band-aid this week to cover it up, one of my patients (not their fault she is only 7) pointed at my nose and started laughing. I couldn’t help but think about what they will say when I take the band-aid off. 

So with that image I am going to go to bed tonight. The image of a small child pointing at my face and laughing. It has shame written all over it, and it is inescapable it seems. 

I have wondered why after having to have last years scar this has happened to me. I always try to find a positive side to these types of things but this is beyond me, it makes me sick to my stomach. But hey it’s not cancer right… no big deal. 

Don’t know what I am going to do next week. Maybe some kind of manly cover up? I don’t even know if they make that kind of stuff. I want to punch the PA in the face who decided to take such a big cut out of my nose in the first place. And I blame myself believe it or not for letting him do it, I blame myself for going to the dermatologist to have them check it out. 

Back to the shame thing again, back to just hating all over myself, so sick and disgusted with myself. Fuck!

It’s like a roller coaster, one day I am fine and the next day I want to crawl in a big hole. 

Today I am thankful I don’t have cancer. 

I am also thankful for…. Fuck it I will try this again tomorrow…. Gratitude is useless when I feel like this. 

Well, let me take that back if anyone out there is reading this I am grateful for you! I truly mean that, I love you and I hope you know that you are worthy of love and goodness in your life and that you are perfect the way you are and if you have BDD, I am so sorry but we can get through this I know it. There has to be a better way. 

There, that’s a better way to end this. 

The One Word That Describes Body Dysmorphic Diosrder

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SHAME

Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable – It’s the total opposite of accepting our bodies and feeling worthy.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that self acceptance will lead to people thinking less of us.

Shame is all about fear.

We are afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are or our “imperfections”.

Shame is something we all experience. it is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.

While it feels that shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places… even those that go far behind the body image concerns that those of us with BDD suffer.

Shame can include family, parenting, money, work, health, addiction, sex, aging and religion.

To feel shame is to be human.

Our struggles with our body image concerns are difficult to own, and if we’ve worked hard to make sure everything looks “just right” on the outside, the stakes are high when it comes to truth-telling.

It’s so easy to just keep quiet.

Worthy Now

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First gratitude:

  1. I am grateful for this quiet early morning, the kids are still asleep and there is silence, pure motionless silence and that is blissful.
  2. I am grateful for children: Their smiles and their laughter, their joy and when they are little at least, their innate ability to love. It is a breath of fresh air, it is a reminder of what makes us human.
  3. I am grateful for me, for my life and this very moment.
  4. I am grateful for healing, in all its forms, whether this is physical or emotional. It can happen and that gives me hope.
  5. I am grateful for my sister, who has had to overcome her own body issues, she is a constant source of love and inspiration.

Worthy Now

When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness – the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging.
When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’ere supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, trying to please and proving.
Our sense of worthiness – that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging lives inside of our story.
The greatest challenge for most of us with BDD is believing that we are worthy now, right this very minute.

Worthiness doesn’t have a prerequisite yet I know I have created a long list of them:

  1. I will be worthy when this scar isn’t so prominent on my face.
  2. I will be worthy when I have perfect skin.
  3. I will be worthy when my body is in better shape.
  4. I will be worthy when I make money online selling my art.
  5. I will be worthy when I can never make a mistake.
  6. I will be worthy when my nose heals and it isn’t so red and disfigured looking.
  7. I will be worthy when no one calls me out or puts me down, or challenges my way of thinking.
  8. I will be worthy at a party when I am the center of attention and everyone wants to talk to me.
Here is the secret to overcoming BDD:

Worthy Now, Not if, Not when.

We are all worthy of love and belonging right now, right this minute. As is.

Owning Your Story

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medium_2881778314Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.

Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy— These are the experiences that make us the most vulnerable and they are also the experiences that make us most alive.

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

And only then can we be truly free from our BDD