It’s hard for me to post this picture. But I am doing it because I feel like I am on an island.
Scars are quite common, I have sewed up many a laceration in my time as a family practice physician assistant, but facial scars are a different beast.
I didn’t understand this until I received one.
I have talked about my scar on this blog several times, I was too afraid and too ashamed to post the picture until today. This injury happened about two months ago,while surfing. I took the tail of a 40 lb. fiberglass long-board to my face. It was a total accident, but two months later I am left with a rather large and unsightly atrophic scar.
I will post this as well when I feel ready to face my own image.
Since my injury I have been hard pressed to find people with large facial scars. I am not sure if it is my BDD or just the fact that I have a facial scar and I compare my face with everybody.
When I do find somebody I spend the rest of our time together analyzing their facial scar, and it is not like I really care, but I want to know how they deal with theirs. Of course I would never say this out-loud it is something I do in my mind, behind the scenes.
I have been searching for emotional support, it is hard. There isn’t much support out there for people with facial scars. It is even surprisingly hard to find good, trusted information about surgical revision or laser treatments… Something I have been thinking more about lately.
All Aboard the Ugly Train: Passengers – One
People have been surprisingly cruel as well. I never saw this coming. I thought dealing with a facial scar would be a solitary journey. But no it is not, it involves a ride on the “ugly train.”
It is like a nightmare, and no matter how hard I try I can’t get off.
In last two months I have been repeatedly called scar-face, my scar has been endlessly critiqued, leading up to Halloween I actually had several people asked me if I “was going to use my face as part of my costume…” That one left me traumatized for the good part of the following weekend. Actually still does.
I have had people tell me they were surprised it didn’t heel better, that it was more “sunken” then they would have thought, that it was looking worse. I actually can’t believe people say these things. Many a conversation have been had with my scar in place of my eyes.
Now I find I can no longer look people in their eyes, because then I start to think about my scar. I am constantly scanning their gaze.
It’s Just a Scar
It is just a scar, it does not define me, it is part of me now, it is part of my face. Yes, I may be able to get some type of cosmetic surgery to make it better in the next 18 months, but should I have to? I am the one with BDD, if people only knew how these comments affect me. How when they make them I drive home suicidal, how I feel like a monster, how I am afraid to even kiss my wife or be around people who I know.
At first I was even afraid to see the reactions of my own children. They of course look easily past it, they see their dad, not a scar.
It gets old… The comments. There is an endless stream, I have become open territory on which others (I assume) can displace their own body image concerns.
My patients have been surprisingly kind and thoughtful, not one has hardly said a thing. Yet, in the medical community there is a belief I guess that you can fix everything. So when they see my new, infinitely less “beautiful” face, they say things. Horrible things. Really surprisingly horrible things.
All this, and I have skin issues already that are related to my BDD. They were in my mind before, nobody once said anything about my skin prior to this injury, yet I still hated it.
Now as I test my theories and my notions of my imperfections, they are confirmed. To a person with BDD this is particularly devastating.
Getting on With Life
I heard this poem today while on a run it is by Jon Blais who died of ALS. He is still the only person to have ever completed an Ironman triathlon with ALS.
By Jon Blais (August 1971-May 2007)
Live…
More than your neighbors.
Unleash yourself upon the world and go places.
Go now.
Giggle, no, laugh.
No… stay out past dark,
And bark at the moon like the wild dog that you are.
Understand that this is not a dress rehearsal.
This is it… your life.
Face your fears and live your dreams.
Take it in.
Yes, every chance you get…
come close.
And, by all means, whatever you do…
Get it on film.
I like this saying about life “not being a dress rehearsal.” The time I spend lamenting this is getting me nowhere. The more depressed I become, the more I hide from the world, the less I live. And this is time, the only thing I have, and I am giving it to those people who treat me badly. They don’t deserve it.
Starting to Live
I am using this blog to work through my BDD and this facial scar. I decided on my run today, while listening to this poem that I have had enough. Now I just have to figure out how to live like that.
Looking for support? Make sure to check out:
Changing Faces: An amazing community for those of us with facial disfigurements.
his is a wonderful book! Written by the Director of the MGH OCD and Related Disorders Program, and Founder of the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Clinic, this book offers individuals suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder with critical tools to understand BDD and to bring their disorder under control. The step by step approach detailed in the book is exactly what is needed for patients and clinicians alike. I have enthusiastically been recommending it to all of my clients who have BDD, and to colleagues interested in learning more about it. This book offers new hope to the millions of people worldwide who live with this troubling, but treatable disorder.
Your post is an incredibly accurate insight of my daily life. I to have a large atrophic scar on my face and face the constant daily fear of being asked questions, looked at differently to the point where I have Fear to go out in public. I too have looked at options to correct my condition but not sure what I can do, although I feel I need to do something soon as I know I am falling deeper into depression. I understand what you are going through completely and thank you sincerely for you blog
Hi Rick,
I have recently undergone 2 laser therapy sessions and this has helped. A dermatologist told me it would turn my skin white, but when I made a free appointment with the laser treatment facility she informed me the dermatologist was dead wrong. So I took the leap of faith. I have one more session before I leave the country, and although they recommended 5 session (I will have completed 3) I truly believe that this has made a noticeable difference. The sooner it is done the better, I wish I had gone before 18 months, but I was given bad advice.
I will bear down and post some photos here soon because I think it will help you to see the difference. There will be about 50% improvement they said, and honestly I think she is right.
Now, that being said, this is not my cure, as I obviously have some other body issues going on here and even after the laser treatment I feel better but not cured. So my next step is therapy. This may or may not be something you need, but I know I do.
I have heard from several people who have had scar revision surgery by a plastic surgeon. This has helped for the short term, but usually the unhappiness with the scar returns. This is why it is important to go to a therapist who can help you heal your spirit. I have chosen to avoid this route, I am happy I didn’t make that decision, I don’t know if it could help, but honestly the thought of somebody cutting into my face kills me.
Also, test your theory:
Do people react to you differently now that you have your scar? I thought people would, but this is all in my mind. After a while nobody even notices it (well accept me).
Do people love you any less?
Do children run from you?
These, believe it or not were all concerns that I had (and still do) have.
Anyway I am babbling here. The truth is facial scars suck and I wish I could go back to the my previous life without it. But we can’t it is just plain and simple. So we need to get over it, or our life will pass us by while we are lamenting it. We know this to be true, but it is so hard. The anxiety is real, but don’t let it stop you, don’t let it take your life away from you, because it will if you give it the chance. I know it has “stolen” i.e I have given it the power to control my life way too much.
If you have questions about the laser treatments drop me a line and I can help here, also consider reading the book I wrote about a couple posts back https://www.overcomingbdd.com/a-book-that-will-change-your-life-and-help-you-overcome-your-bdd/. It really is a great book which has been helping me.
– Stephen
It’s late at night, and I have been searching for people with stories like my own and yours. You’re right there is little support out there for peopel with facial scars. As a baby I had rashes on my left cheek, and a local doctor prescribed a facial lotion that was too strong for my sensitive skin, so as a result I got really bad hyperpigmentation on my lower left cheek and side of my mouth. I can’t hide with with any makeup completely, so I get the occasional conversation between a person and my cheek. I am 19 years old now, and although I have lived with this for all my life, there are days when I just perfer to stay in my room to avoid judgement. Anyways, thank your for post. We are forces to be brave everyday, and living with fear is not living, so lets not give other peopel the power to take our self worth from us with their shallow judgments.
“We are forces to be brave everyday, and living with fear is not living, so lets not give other people the power to take our self worth from us with their shallow judgments”
Well said Cesaria, now I just have to muster up the bravery to live in this way everyday! Thank you for your comment, it came at a great time 🙂 I hope you find strength and power today as well to live confident and strong!
– Stephen
Why don’t we start our own facial scar support group
That would be very helpful. What are you thinking, a Forum? Possibly a Facebook Group?
– Stephen
I came upon this blog while searching for a support group for people trying to live with facial scars. I went thru MOHS surgery for a very large basal cell carcinoma right in the middle of my forehead. 8 months after the initial skin graft I still have a silver dollar size scar, like a 3rd eye. Your story is the first time I heard someone else articulate what I am going thru. If you want to try forming a support group please count me in! I have 2 more surgeries over the coming year. I feel your pain. We all need to know we aren’t alone.
Hi Judith,
Changing faces has a wonderful support group and a growing online community. They are based in the UK and I am a member of their forum and find it so valuable to know that we are not going through this alone: https://www.changingfaces.org.uk/
Stephen
Hi Steven
Thanks for the referral. My Doctor just scheduled a scar revision at the end of this month. He is almost positive he can reduce this thing by 80%! If anyone had told me a couple years ago that I’d be excited about a nickel sized scar mid forehead I’d have told them…. well you know. Thanks again
Hi Judith, that’s such great news. I am rooting for you and am confident you will have a wonderful outcome!
Warmly, Stephen
Hi
I can relate to what you are saying. I have a facial scar from when i was 16, decided to have a birthmark removed as it was causing me so much distress, only to be replaced with more distress from the scar I was left with. There isnt enough time to express how much I time I have felt inadequate, ugly and downright unattractive. I have analysed, obsessed and pretty much done everything there is. Now I have just turned 40, I have one son, am still single and doing a job which pays the bills but is not the greatest. I still lack confidence and self esteem. I think being a woman its kind of harder as there are so many products out there and there is so much emphasis placed on looks, I dont even look twice if a guy has a scar, there is a certain ‘coolness’ about it, hell, action man had one when I was growing up! and if I ever come across a female who has one similiar to mine Id wonder how they felt about it. I have suspected BDD, on antidepressants for 20 years, suffer anxiety, recent visit to a psychiatrist, I tried to explain for him to reply ‘but what do you want me to do about it’ to which i replied, ‘well nothing you can do I guess’, since he was there to prescribe medication and thats it. I kind of think a psychologist is better, but cannot have access to one. So yeah, I just wanted to add my bit. I also think a support group/facebook page would be great as there isn’t any support out there. Kind Regards, Melanie. Uk.
Hi Melanie,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. I too can relate to everything you said. It is funny, people have told me the same thing about guys and scars etc. etc. but it doesn’t seem to make a difference in the way I feel about it. If I went to see a psychiatrist and he told me “what do you want me to do about it” I would probably reply, “try doing your job”. Well at least I would want to, then I would have surely replied in the same humble manner you did. Advertising is a big part of the problem. And you are right about advertising towards women, cosmetics, and smooth silky skin. It is everywhere, in movies, ads, billboards, children’s books etc. etc. and it is part of the problem.
The truth of the matter, as we both know, is these scars don’t define us, no more than a burn victim is defined by their scars. Maybe it is perfectionism, although I guess the cause of our shame doesn’t matter in so much as the fact that these scars stop us from living a full and fulfilling life. I believe that a good counselor could provide a tremendous amount of benefit in both of our cases, it’s often hard to find one, I haven’t yet tried but it is high on my priority list now that I am back home.
I will start a Facebook group and link back to it here later today. Just hearing your words is so helpful. It is nice to know I am not alone on this journey. Thank’s so much.
Stephen
Hi Stephen,
First and foremost, I’m very sorry about your accident. I know exactly how you feel because I am going through the EXACT same thing. It’s actually quite scary how similar my story is to yours. I was hit in the head with my surfboard several months ago, causing a very unsightly scar on my forehead. It has completely devastated me. In fact, I am clinically depressed at this point over the permanent disfigurement. Every day is like a living hell and I am suffering tremendously over the emotional impact. I have become socially isolated because I can’t stand to be in public and am totally miserable. It’s so sad because prior to this, my life was amazing. I was young, fit, attractive, good job, good friends/family. It’s a shame that an inch long scar can cause this much damage.
Unfortunately, unlike you, I’m a single female with no children and I don’t even have the comfort of knowing that I have a spouse or children who will love me unconditionally. I must still rely on my looks and youth to find a partner. I understand that life isn’t all about looks, but my self-esteem has been totally shot down because of this.
I’m determined to make this scar go away (at least visibly) and have been doing EVERYTHING in my power to get rid of it. Massage, topic creams, vigilant sunscreen, you name it. I am willing to pay anything and am not scared of undergoing corrective surgery. However, similar to you, I haven’t been able to find much information about successful scar revision outcomes. Sure, almost every plastic surgeon offers it as an option, but why aren’t there very many stories out there from actual patients? It really scares me into thinking that scar revision doesn’t really work. But I have to believe it will work for me. It’s the only thing keeping me going at this point.
You mentioned that you used lasers to improve your scar? How did it turn out? Why didn’t you want to do surgery? Has your scar gotten better over time? Mine is only 3 months old, but I’m really freaked out right now.
I did not have any sort of BDD prior to this incident. In fact, I was very confident and happy with the way I looked. But since I received this scar, my life has been a total nightmare.
Hi Jenny,
It sucks, for lack of a better word, surprisingly I feel the trauma from a scar such as this is similar to what a burn victim must face, but to a much lesser degree of course. It is the looks from family and friends (it is a disappointed look) one that says “oh he/she used to be so beautiful”. It hurts, it is part of the process. Scars must be accepted not just by those who were injured but by those around us. It is this period of readjustment that is the most difficult. As I mentioned, there were several people in my life who could not stop themselves from commenting. It made me extremely self-conscious to the point that like you I didn’t even want to go out anymore. I dealt with this for over a year and just pushed through it. I did withdrawal from many social situations that I normally would have been excited to go to. Usually, they involved family and friends. People who knew me before the accident. I just couldn’t stand their “scar stares” or their occasional comments.
So I left, literally packed up my bags and my family and we left my hometown for an entire year. We traveled the world, going from South Africa to South East Asia, Australia New Zealand, over 13 countries and now we are back. Talk about trying to run from my problems!
During our journey, my wife was hit by a moped in Vietnam and was almost killed. The moped hit her with such force (she was crossing a sidewalk) that the entire left side of her face was flattened like a pancake. WTF! And you know what? She wen’t into surgery and came out and never let it slow her down. She has been left with some nerve damage on the left side of her face and a mild (albeit) noticeable facial asymmetry. My wife is and always will be very pretty, no accident can take this away from her.
I am telling you all of this because the reaction to the scar has nothing to do with the scar, but it has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves, or blame ourselves or seek the approval of others. What if instead of a scar were we born without arms or legs, any chance we could find love? Ask Nick Vujicic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3QezBvN1BE
The laser treatments (if you are going to do them) need to be done early on, so make sure you go see the laser treatment center early. Within the first 2 weeks after the injury. I wish I had been told about this. They can help and they will not make a scar worse so you have little to lose.
Over time (18 months to complete healing) you will notice the redness begins to fade and the scar becomes less noticeable. Also, you will have gone through the worst part which is predicting the perceptions of others and accepting the fact that this is a part of life.
It has taken me 2 years and a trip around the world and I am still self-conscious about my scars, but I no longer let them define me (as much). My wife, on the other hand, sustained a much worse injury and as I mentioned she could care less what anybody thinks. Go figure, we need to look inside ourselves more I presume.
My wife’s best friend has a pretty bad scar on her left lower lip. But she is a snowboarder, mountain biker, climber and all-around hard-core chick. She also has a hard body and the scar just makes her that much hotter. Studies show that having a scar makes absolutely no difference in a persons chances of finding love, friendships etc. etc. etc. Some of the biggest movie actresses and sex symbols have scars: Tina Fey, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Duchess of Cambridge’s Kate Middleton to name a few.
I understand stepping back for a bit, but buy some concealer, sport a baseball cap, do whatever you have to do to get out of the house and keep up your normal life. Go out with friends, keep going to the gym and use this as a time to become healthier and stronger. If you need to, go to counseling, it will help. The scar will get better with time. It is not the enemy though, it is much easier when our imperfections are hidden behind a veil, open the world they only prove we are human. And there is nothing wrong with that.
I really appreciate your message.
Stephen
Hi Stephen,
Is it really BDD if there is an actual flaw? I also have a large facial scar caused by an accident. It has devastated me and ruined my self confidence. I had no history of BDD prior to this accident. This was not a flaw that I was born with.
I wonder if what we are suffering from is instead PTSD. We have a real disfigurement, and that is not imagined. It’s not normal to get whacked in the face with a surfboard and experience a deep laceration. So it’s totally understandable that you are having such a severe reaction. From what I understand, BDD is an obsession with an imagined flaw. Ours are not imagined. The following paragraph comes from bddfoundation.org:
“A “real” defect such as a facial disfigurement that others can easily notice can also cause marked distress. You may not have BDD but you can still be helped to feel and function better – see for example http://www.changingfaces.org.uk.”
By definition, facial scarring from an accident is disfigurement. This is not a normal thing that majority of the population goes through. Like you said yourself, you’ve scanned many faces and rarely see large facial scars. I do the same. Most people don’t have them and just can’t relate.
The face is a vital component of one’s personality and body image. It is what a person initially presents to the world. It’s demoralizing having to walk around hiding your face from the world. I get it. Something as simple as going to the grocery store causes anxiety and suffering. It is no way to live. And despite all that crap about beauty has to come from within, there is so much emphasis placed on appearance in the western society that it’s impossible to assume that a visible disfigurement won’t severely affect someone. We live in a society where looks are very important. No matter what we believe makes someone beautiful, first impressions are often made on our outward appearance alone.
It is not as simple as getting a bad haircut or being overweight. It’s easy to grow hair out, or go to the gym and lose weight. But there is no cure for scars. It’s just that plain and simple. I had a scar revision surgery. It did help reduce the scar, so I guess any improvement was good. But unfortunately a scar can never be erased. You are right, the unhappiness with the “new” scar returned.
I’m not sure what the solution is, as I suffer daily from my disfiguring scar and can’t seem to live a normal life. I avoid social interaction and not a day goes by where I don’t think about the grief that this scar has caused me. (BTW, I used to be a very social person before my accident). I read stories about other people who have been disfigured in accidents and their entire life changes. They are essentially forced into a new identity.
Just know that we are not alone and the fact that we are suffering from a facial scar does not make us mentally ill or weak. Do a quick search on realself.com and you will see how many people are distressed by their facial scars.
I’m sorry you are suffering and I feel your pain. Having a facial disfigurement is not natural. It is debilitating in a sense. We get stared at, discriminated against, or asked inappropriate questions. However, we don’t get any support like someone who is physically disabled. We mostly suffer alone, with little support. So don’t downplay your condition to a personality flaw. Disfigurement is a terrible thing to overcome, especially when it is something that you weren’t born with.
I have found this really helpful. I have an atrophic scar on the right side of my face. I had a fall 7 weeks ago and had my face glued. I am a nurse and have found people’s comments so hurtful. My patients have been so lovely but some of my colleagues comments have been beyond shocking. A couple of examples “you’re beautiful face is ruined now”, “what’s wrong with your face”(shouted at me across a corridor by a staff member that I never even met). I have also had colleagues insist that I have pen on my face and I have to tell them again that it’s a scar. I then try and retouch my makeup but it never hides it. It’s only been a short period of time but I can honestly say it has done serious damage to my self esteem. Thank you for sharing your experience as it has given me some peace.
Hi Sarah,
It never ceases to amaze me just how insensitive people can be. It must be a symptom of our culture – we somehow expect “perfection” and then feel the need to call out differences. In my research this evolved as a protective mechanism – humans are good at spotting irregularities – whether this be in appearance or social behavior. Why some people feel the need to then point this out to us I am not sure. You are right – patients tend to be so kind in this regard. Health care providers may be the worst. I spent the first year being made to feel guilty about my scar… and that guilt continues to persist deep down to this day. This is something I am hoping to work out a bit with counseling. The truth is, I don’t think I ever imagined people (my colleagues and even some of my friends) would be so callous and insensitive themselves.
We are taught from a young age to ignore these types of comments, “be the bigger person”, have confidence – but the same human instincts that cause us to point out irregularities in others also seems to work in reverse. So in this case we fight the lizard brain.
Hang in there, and at least we can both take comfort knowing we are not alone!
Stephen
Hi Sarah,
It never ceases to amaze me just how insensitive people can be. It must be a symptom of our culture – we somehow expect “perfection” and then feel the need to call out differences. In my research this evolved as a protective mechanism – humans are good at spotting irregularities – whether this be in appearance or social behavior. Why some people feel the need to then point this out to us I am not sure. You are right – patients tend to be so kind in this regard. Health care providers may be the worst. I spent the first year being made to feel guilty about my scar… and that guilt continues to persist deep down to this day. This is something I am hoping to work out a bit with counseling. The truth is, I don’t think I ever imagined people (my colleagues and even some of my friends) would be so callous and insensitive themselves.
We are taught from a young age to ignore these types of comments, “be the bigger person”, have confidence – but the same human instincts that cause us to point out irregularities in others also seems to work in reverse. So in this case we fight the lizard brain.
Hang in there, and at least we can both take comfort knowing we are not alone!
Stephen
I understand what you’re going thru. It seems my entire life has been prepping me to ignore what others may perceive of me but I was still unprepared for the stigma of facial scars. I have undergone MOHS surgery followed by a skin graft. The results were horrific, to say the least. I wouldn’t appear in public without a bandage. Now after a year of waiting, they managed a 70% scar reduction. Now some very long side swept bangs covers the 30% still left unless the breezes are against me. I have 9 more months to wait before they can have another go at repairing the remaining damage that Basal Cell Carcinoma did to my face. I’m a walking ad for using a quality sunscreen everytime you step out the door. If only my self-confidence could be repaired as easily as the scarring. At the moment I don’t feel I’ll ever get over that “Elephant man” freakish feeling. I see a therapist regularly trying to keep my head on straight. Each day is a struggle to do what must be done. Going places is no longer fun. I look forward to days I can stay home in my cell too. The added paranoia when I examine each new Facial blemish wondering if it will become the next chapter in my horror story is devastating. I hate mirrors. Prior to this, I was an optimistic person. I would often tell others to quit whining like a wimp and suck it up. Ironic huh? It’s good to know that I’m not the only one suffering so from such an insignificant superficial imperfection. It’s crazy I know but it’s also so very real. It feels good to admit these feelings exist. It’s easier to put one foot in front of the other after unburdening myself here. Thank you and God bless you. Give yourself permission to rest from the battle we go thru each and every day. Remember who you are. You’re the compassionate wonderful man who reached out to others suffering in silence with this insidious disorder. I am grateful to you and all the others who have shared here. You all help much more than you know.