The Beginning of the end
I started Accutane during my first quarter of college.
It was a last-ditch attempt to rectify my skin problems.
I remember walking into the dermatologist office vividly and I met this amazing medical assistant. She seemed to be the first person I had ever met who knew what I was feeling.
I told her I was here for my acne, she told me that now-a-days there were treatments that could clear up even the worst acne and prevent scarring.
She looked at me kindly, told me her own “skin story” and it is one of the first times I remember being completely comfortable with another human being. And that was it, she walked out. But I remember this encounter, it is a strange thing because it was so short, and seemingly so insignificant.
To this day when I see my own patients who are struggling with acne I think of her. And I try to repeat the words she shared with me, to give them reassurance that someone understands their problem.
It’s not what you look at that matters it’s what you see!
-Henry David Thoreau
The dermatologist walked in the office, looked at me, asked me what I had taken before, gave me a prescription for Accutane then walked out of the office. That was the first and the last I saw of him.
I am not sure he ever looked at me really. He surely didn’t know my name. He wrote my refills though, and started my year long journey on a medicine that would find me on the edge of a roof, holding a cigarette, dreaming of a free fall to the ground that would not require too much pain. A fall in which I could die and be free of the agony free of the judgement I felt from others.
Free from the horror movie that played tandem reals in my mind.
his is a wonderful book! Written by the Director of the MGH OCD and Related Disorders Program, and Founder of the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Clinic, this book offers individuals suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder with critical tools to understand BDD and to bring their disorder under control. The step by step approach detailed in the book is exactly what is needed for patients and clinicians alike. I have enthusiastically been recommending it to all of my clients who have BDD, and to colleagues interested in learning more about it. This book offers new hope to the millions of people worldwide who live with this troubling, but treatable disorder.
Greetings…I hope that you will reply as I need to talk to someone who understand my plight. I struggled with acne dysmorphia for eight years never really had real acne until four months ago when I had a traumatic break up and everything that happened to me throughout my life just emerged into one big breakdown. I went to several dermatologists trying to fix my skin instead of my soul….only to have the dermatologists prescribe me things that broke me out in severe severe cystic acne at age 32. I was a beautiful woman….men turned heads when they looked at me…and now I have become depressed , sickly, lost 15 pounds, lost muscle tone… and have terrible acne….trying to over come and beat this when in 3 months I have self inflicted deterioration upon myself that for some might take years….I now am on Accutane…and am afraid with body dysmorphia and my depression n anxiety it might worsen it…but it seems as tho it would be my only cure in atleast getting rid of the acne …but then I will have to deal with the scars….I ask for your guidance through this…because I also am a mother and I have to overcome all this.
Hi Samantha,
Your story has touched me, I am so sorry, but please know you are not alone.
“I went to several dermatologists trying to fix my skin instead of my soul” beautifully said!
I spoke with someone who made it through this mess a couple weeks ago. He emailed me and talked about his nose jobs and his efforts to fix his face instead of his soul. In fact everyone who has contacted me and recovered from this nightmare seems to have one thing in common: each and everyone of them attended counseling of some sort.
This mix of Accutane, body dysmorphia and depression is dangerous. As I can attest to – I ended up suicidal and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So I urge you, no matter how hard it may be – reach out and find some help through a good counselor. I am a poor example because I have yet to do this myself. I tend to talk myself out of it on good days, but the thing is, the longer this goes untreated the longer it will eat away at your life and at your soul.
Sometimes, I think obsessions with appearance are just an outlet, if not a distraction for our mind, to cope with whatever is going on on the inside.
Acne is of course very real, I know, I have been there, but our reaction to the acne is probably over amplified. Accutane can help, I have seen it in many of my patients, and when I took it years ago, although it helped, I think it was unnecessary.
Probably 50% of what dermatologists see are related to dysmorphia, most medical professionals seem oblivious to this. I have noticed the same thing in the waiting room of the laser treatment facility that I have attended recently as well as my own clinical practice.
I recently saw a patient who would pick at his skin constantly, he carbuncles all over his face and neck from this. He had an anxiety disorder. The dermatologist placed him on Accutane. Did it get bettter? No, it got much worse. I urged him to seek counseling for this, but he refused. I understood of course, but the point is that every time I saw him afterwards he appeared more and more anxious. The problem wasn’t solved, because as you said “you are trying to fix your skin instead of your soul”.
I can tell you are insightful and in touch with your feelings.
So today if you started the Accutane that is fine. This is a descent approach to treat your skin. But fix your soul by seeking professional help in the form of a good therapist. Scarring can occur but it always dissipates with time (as does the redness) and there is a lot you can do to help this afterwards if that is even necessary… This is not hopeless. But if you don’t give your soul some love it could be a lot harder. And your children will suffer.
I am sending you all the love I can muster up (I say this in the sense of a human being who cares for another) and please write me if you ever need a friend. I wish I could say the magic words here but I am damaged goods as well. But, as all suffering, this is only temporary. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You are still extremely beautiful inside and out!
– Stephen