In this series I will be searching for voices. Those voices who suffer from BDD, the ones scattered across the either.
I hear their voices, because they have been mine, they make rounds in my head. Alone, we suffer in self hate, but together our voices can take shape. Even in disgust, we can find love, and hope and the makings of life. Because if not, we are better off dead.
I JUST WANT TO LIVE BUT IT IS GETTING SO HARD
It been 2 1/2 years and I don’t think there has been a moment in that time that I have not had the thought and image of my scarred body leave my mind.
There is just so much regret and blame and I have managed to ruin my life, financially, career and in relationships through my uncontrollable crying and constant obsession with my body.
I am learning to keep it inside but it is very hard and I feel like I am suffering with it all the time. It really is a hellish way to live and I would love to find a way to reduce and hopefully end the suffering.
I do not want to kill myself… but I think of it all the time and it is a very painful thought.
I would like to focus on how I can start to see and value myself as more than just a body.
To learn to see my qualities that are more important like compassionate and kind and caring.
I just want to live but it is getting so hard.
I can not escape these horrible thoughts about my body.
I would love to connect and communicate with anyone that can relate and has found things that have helped them.
~ Dede