When I was in high school the first dance I ever attended was during my sophomore year.
It was the winter formal and I was asked to attend with my friend as part of a double-blind date. Although it wasn’t placebo-controlled.
I was excited. I had never had a “real date” before and this was an opportunity to have a good time and get to know somebody new.
My friend assured me that my date was not only very nice but quite attractive. I don’t remember feeling nervous, I liked to dance, I considered myself a friendly person and figured we would have a good time together.
When we arrived I met Jackie. A knockout blond, with long slender legs and a beautiful winter formal dress. She was gorgeous. When we met she smiled casually, we took hands and jumped into the back seat of the limo Jamie’s parents had rented for the 4 of us.
We arrived at the gymnasium snapped some photos and then it happened. She ditched me.
Holy Zit
I remember having a big zit on my nose for the evening of the dance, I was self-conscious about it. It had started to appear the day before the dance and then on the big day it came out to play. I was angry at the powers that be for having to endure this large, red, painful blemish that would not only haunt me for the night but likely for the entirety of the upcoming month.
I was already very self-conscious about my acne and envied all the guys and girls with clear skin and great complexions. Especially all those attractive teenagers on the Clearasil commercials.
My date was one of them.
Jackie had a kind smile, she was naturally pretty and it never crossed my mind that when we got to the dance she would simply walk away and leave. My friend Jamie went with them, his girlfriend and my date were best friends after all, I didn’t blame him.
It felt horrible to be left behind like this, not necessarily because I was abandoned, but because I was abandoned before I had even had the chance to meet my date. She ditched me because I wasn’t up to her standards. In my mind, she ditched me for all the reasons I hated myself. My bad complexion, my big teeth, my funky hair, my short stature, my braces and most of all, that big zit on my nose.
I was relegated to the gymnasium bleachers to think carefully about my shortcomings as a human being.
It wasn’t the first time I had to sit by and watch the cool guys get the girls. As a nice guy I was always there, doing what nice guys do; keeping everyone else happy, smiling to the world outside, while inside I felt self-conscious and ashamed.
I did return with Jamie, his girlfriend and my “date” in the Limo later that night. Back at their house they were headed inside to play some drinking games. I didn’t drink so I called my mom and she came and picked me up.
I saw Jackie years later, she was a bridesmaid for one of my best friends weddings. I was serving as best man. We were both with groups of our high school friends. We talked and laughed and shared stories along with the other’s in the room. I am not sure she even remembered what she did that night years before.
But this incident solidified a feeling I had about myself already. It was the reality test and confirmation I needed to prove that my negative feelings towards myself were not merely assumptions, but they were, in fact, true.
Although I would go on to attend many more high school dances after this one, this, being my first, stuck. It is amazing how this incident from over 24 years ago still affects me today.
These, my friends, are the makings of BDD.
Read part 1: Acne and the makings of Body Dysmorphic Disorder
his is a wonderful book! Written by the Director of the MGH OCD and Related Disorders Program, and Founder of the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Clinic, this book offers individuals suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder with critical tools to understand BDD and to bring their disorder under control. The step by step approach detailed in the book is exactly what is needed for patients and clinicians alike. I have enthusiastically been recommending it to all of my clients who have BDD, and to colleagues interested in learning more about it. This book offers new hope to the millions of people worldwide who live with this troubling, but treatable disorder.
hy . i have just found your blog . reading the start from 2012 page 19*
till the page one .( 5 years and ur tealling ur story with bdd ). for me .im a guy from morooco not so good in english . but i can handle my self a little bit .i started suffering from this illness at the age of 16 and now im 20 and still suffer (WORRYING ABOUT THE SHAPE OF MY NOSE . SKIN . THE DARK CIRCLES UNDER MY EYES .SOMETIMES EVEN THE SHAPE OF HEAD WAS A CONCERN TO ME ) .no familly support unlike you . just me all alone in my own dealing with this illness . wich cost me the lost of 3 years of my eduction cuzing me (a severe depresion .suicidal thoughts .isolation .lonelines and the list goes on) . till today im still dealing with Symptoms of that devil that eating me inside and killing me slowly . i fell like a death walking . i spend more than 90 % of the day checking myself in the mirror.it’s something very hard to deal with and very exhausting both physically and mentally..especially when u get no support from the outstage or family . and EVEN IF THEY DID .NO ONE ACTUALLY CAN HELP IT WAS A WAR BETWEEN ME AND MYSELF i feel like i’m killing myself by myself . i fell i’m the enemy of myself . i feel that the solution is the problem and the problem is the solution .should i love my self ? or hate myself ?cuz in the both cases i’m not feeling ok .im really confused about my life and feeling so broke down . i lost 3 years of my life and my education for nothing . when i supposed to enjoy my teenage years i was suffering with self instead .now that i wake up my eyes . i fell like a loser and failure to let that devil (bdd) ruin 3 years of my life . now im trying so hard to move on with myself and let go .but the demon of the past is holding me back everytime i try to step my feet forward .REMINDING ME OF ALL THOSE HEARTBROKEN MOMENTS .ALL THAT PAIN AND MISERY .WE ALL HEAR OF THE PAIN AND THE GRIEF CAUSED BY A BREAK UP . OR THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE . BUT FOR ME THAT WASN’T THE CASE . ITS WASNT BREAK UP .IT WASN’T A LOSS . IT WAS FIGHTING MYSELF . my own body .
I’M CONSIDERING MYSELF AS A LUCKY PERSON TODAY TO FOUND YOUR BLOG AND TELLING THE STORY OF YOUR JOURNEY WITH BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) which described every edge and side of what i was dealing with .I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE DESCRIBING EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DEALING WITH . YOUR JUST TILLING MY STORY . I FELT EVERY PART .
NOW IN MY WAY OF HEALING AND GET OUT OF THIS . I CAN FEEL IT . I’M IN WAY TO HEAL AND FEEL OK ABOUT MYSELF . CUZ I SPENT ALL THE TIME READING HELPING BOOKS ABOUT THAT MATTER AND COMMITED MY WORD TO STOP THIS MESS IN MY LIFE .
BUT THE PROBLEM STILL .THE PAIN AND THE NIGHTMARE OF THOSE PAST 3 YEARS ARE STILL WALKING AROUND . WAITING THE PERFECT TIME TO GET ME AGAIN TO BOKE ME AND LET ME DOWN . LEAVING ME STUUGLE WITH THE WAVES OF THE PAST.
IM HERE WRITING TO YOU . SEEKING FOR HELP AND ADVICES THAT CAN LEAD ME FOR THE RIGHT WAY .YOUR STORY HAS TOUCHED ME AND FELT THE SOME WAY U DID . SO I THINK U ARE MORE WISDOM, THAN I DO . THATS WHY IM WRITING FOR U IN HOPE U CAN HELP ME TO GET OUT OF THIS .
AGAIN THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR UR COURAGE TO SHARE YOUR STORY AND YOUR JOURNEY WITH (BDD) . I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT . I HOPE U READ MY STORY . THANK FOR THE INTREST AND HOPE GET AN ANSWeR FROM YOU SOON .WISH YOU ALL THE BEST AND success IN LIFE .