BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Daily Gratitude – NOT!

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Today I am having a hard time finding anything to be grateful for. It was a hard day. 

I received the biopsy results from the curious lesion growing on my nose yesterday, and they were negative. For this I suppose I should be grateful… and I am. But now I have to figure out how I am going to deal with this unsightly dime size red scar on the front of my nose. 

I am wearing a band-aid this week to cover it up, one of my patients (not their fault she is only 7) pointed at my nose and started laughing. I couldn’t help but think about what they will say when I take the band-aid off. 

So with that image I am going to go to bed tonight. The image of a small child pointing at my face and laughing. It has shame written all over it, and it is inescapable it seems. 

I have wondered why after having to have last years scar this has happened to me. I always try to find a positive side to these types of things but this is beyond me, it makes me sick to my stomach. But hey it’s not cancer right… no big deal. 

Don’t know what I am going to do next week. Maybe some kind of manly cover up? I don’t even know if they make that kind of stuff. I want to punch the PA in the face who decided to take such a big cut out of my nose in the first place. And I blame myself believe it or not for letting him do it, I blame myself for going to the dermatologist to have them check it out. 

Back to the shame thing again, back to just hating all over myself, so sick and disgusted with myself. Fuck!

It’s like a roller coaster, one day I am fine and the next day I want to crawl in a big hole. 

Today I am thankful I don’t have cancer. 

I am also thankful for…. Fuck it I will try this again tomorrow…. Gratitude is useless when I feel like this. 

Well, let me take that back if anyone out there is reading this I am grateful for you! I truly mean that, I love you and I hope you know that you are worthy of love and goodness in your life and that you are perfect the way you are and if you have BDD, I am so sorry but we can get through this I know it. There has to be a better way. 

There, that’s a better way to end this. 

The One Word That Describes Body Dysmorphic Diosrder

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SHAME

Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable – It’s the total opposite of accepting our bodies and feeling worthy.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that self acceptance will lead to people thinking less of us.

Shame is all about fear.

We are afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are or our “imperfections”.

Shame is something we all experience. it is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don’t experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.

While it feels that shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places… even those that go far behind the body image concerns that those of us with BDD suffer.

Shame can include family, parenting, money, work, health, addiction, sex, aging and religion.

To feel shame is to be human.

Our struggles with our body image concerns are difficult to own, and if we’ve worked hard to make sure everything looks “just right” on the outside, the stakes are high when it comes to truth-telling.

It’s so easy to just keep quiet.

Worthy Now

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First gratitude:

  1. I am grateful for this quiet early morning, the kids are still asleep and there is silence, pure motionless silence and that is blissful.
  2. I am grateful for children: Their smiles and their laughter, their joy and when they are little at least, their innate ability to love. It is a breath of fresh air, it is a reminder of what makes us human.
  3. I am grateful for me, for my life and this very moment.
  4. I am grateful for healing, in all its forms, whether this is physical or emotional. It can happen and that gives me hope.
  5. I am grateful for my sister, who has had to overcome her own body issues, she is a constant source of love and inspiration.

Worthy Now

When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness – the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging.
When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’ere supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, trying to please and proving.
Our sense of worthiness – that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging lives inside of our story.
The greatest challenge for most of us with BDD is believing that we are worthy now, right this very minute.

Worthiness doesn’t have a prerequisite yet I know I have created a long list of them:

  1. I will be worthy when this scar isn’t so prominent on my face.
  2. I will be worthy when I have perfect skin.
  3. I will be worthy when my body is in better shape.
  4. I will be worthy when I make money online selling my art.
  5. I will be worthy when I can never make a mistake.
  6. I will be worthy when my nose heals and it isn’t so red and disfigured looking.
  7. I will be worthy when no one calls me out or puts me down, or challenges my way of thinking.
  8. I will be worthy at a party when I am the center of attention and everyone wants to talk to me.
Here is the secret to overcoming BDD:

Worthy Now, Not if, Not when.

We are all worthy of love and belonging right now, right this minute. As is.