Today I am having a hard time finding anything to be grateful for. It was a hard day. 

I received the biopsy results from the curious lesion growing on my nose yesterday, and they were negative. For this I suppose I should be grateful… and I am. But now I have to figure out how I am going to deal with this unsightly dime size red scar on the front of my nose. 

I am wearing a band-aid this week to cover it up, one of my patients (not their fault she is only 7) pointed at my nose and started laughing. I couldn’t help but think about what they will say when I take the band-aid off. 

So with that image I am going to go to bed tonight. The image of a small child pointing at my face and laughing. It has shame written all over it, and it is inescapable it seems. 

I have wondered why after having to have last years scar this has happened to me. I always try to find a positive side to these types of things but this is beyond me, it makes me sick to my stomach. But hey it’s not cancer right… no big deal. 

Don’t know what I am going to do next week. Maybe some kind of manly cover up? I don’t even know if they make that kind of stuff. I want to punch the PA in the face who decided to take such a big cut out of my nose in the first place. And I blame myself believe it or not for letting him do it, I blame myself for going to the dermatologist to have them check it out. 

Back to the shame thing again, back to just hating all over myself, so sick and disgusted with myself. Fuck!

It’s like a roller coaster, one day I am fine and the next day I want to crawl in a big hole. 

Today I am thankful I don’t have cancer. 

I am also thankful for…. Fuck it I will try this again tomorrow…. Gratitude is useless when I feel like this. 

Well, let me take that back if anyone out there is reading this I am grateful for you! I truly mean that, I love you and I hope you know that you are worthy of love and goodness in your life and that you are perfect the way you are and if you have BDD, I am so sorry but we can get through this I know it. There has to be a better way. 

There, that’s a better way to end this.