BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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Going to Counseling and Finding a Psychiatrist – It Ain’t Easy!

May 15, 2016 By Stephen

Finding a Psychiatrist It Aint Easy

If you have ever read my rants and blog posts you may know that I have never made the step to go to counseling.

I had a lot of lame excuses:

  1. Not enough money
  2. Not enough time
  3. Not enough insurance
  4. Not enough confidence (this may have been the single biggest reason)

Like many others, I presume, the thought of indulging my deepest, darkest shame surrounding my BDD sounded just horrible.

But, after returning from our world trip last year (my greatest BDD escape ever) and landing new jobs, with shiny new insurance I decided maybe it was time to get the help I really needed.

This started with the dentist, seems like my teeth took precedence, then when my left molar no longer hurt, I felt ready to make the step into counseling – funny, but true.

Where to find counseling for BDD

Most of the things I avoid in life are because there is work involved, finding a counselor for my BDD was no different.

I started where most Americans do (if you are lucky enough to have health insurance) at the back of my insurance card.

On the card was the website where I could begin my search for covered providers in my network.

Because I am an anthem Blue Cross member I was taken directly to this search portal

Finding a Psychiatrist step 1 search

I registered my member ID number, created a user account and login and in a matter of 5 minutes was ready to go.

Once logged in, you will have a search portal to find member providers. Finding a comprehensive list of providers is easy:

Choosing from the list of providers, isn’t so straightforward.

Making a decision

There are so many providers that it can be overwhelming. Unless you are going off a recommendation from a friend or colleague where do you begin?

To overcome this barrier I decided to go “old-school” and actually picked up the phone.

I simply called the office of two providers that were in network and discussed the process of finding a psychiatrist that would treat my condition.

They explained my copay ($10 not bad at all) my service offerings (unlimited appointments) and that I would need a referral from a primary care provider in their network.

Laying it all out there

I didn’t want to have to explain myself to a primary care doctor, but I decided it was time to make an appointment and face my fears.

To make matters worse, I am a healthcare provider myself in the area, so I knew I would have to expose myself to the community in which I am a professional.

I called, scheduled my primary care appointment and showed up.

I had a basic health screen, explained my desire to see a behavioral health therapist, explained why I wanted to see a behavioral health specialist and that was that.

Three days later, the behavioral health facility contacted me, based on the referral from my primary care provider and scheduled my appointment in 2 weeks time to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner.

Almost there

Three years ago when I was in the deepest, darkest places of my BDD I would never have been able to make it this far. In fact, it is one reason I never did see a psychiatrist at the time.

I suffered through the suicidal ideations, all the self hate, the agoraphobia, the mirror checking the obsessions and the nightmare of BDD internally and mostly alone.

Now, that I have done this, I am wondering why I didn’t make the appointments sooner. But I know why – when you are sad, ashamed, afraid of your own shadow it is hard to even make it out of the house, not to mention to go through the process of exposing all your dirty laundry.

It has taken me two months still, to get into to see a mental health professional. That is actually shameful – but it is the state of healthcare in the US in 2016.

I will give you and update in 2 weeks after I see the NP and let you know how it goes.

If you have any questions about how to find a healthcare professional in your area drop me a line and I will be happy to help.

Here are two therapist directories to begin your search:

  1. Psychology Today

Filed Under: Counseling, Facial Scar, Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder Tagged With: counseling, psychiatry

Twelve Lead BDD

March 24, 2016 By Stephen

1501

The Cure for BDD is inside each of us.

It is hidden below layers upon layers of fear and rejection and the comfort that comes with avoidance.

I spent three years avoiding everything that scared me, and I lost a wonderful three years and millions of perfectly decent heartbeats.

Our heart only beats once, so why waste it?

I had to stop my heart in order to restart it. Literally, stepping away from my life and shocking myself into a new rhythm.

I brought my family along with me, who held my hand, and walked beside me… For that I am forever grateful and unbelievably blessed.

But we all have something to hold onto, no matter how hopeless it seems.

Three years of hiding, and now as I emerge from the shadows of very dark places, I welcome the sun and radiant heat of life upon my skin.

The cure is inside me, when I open my eyes and look beyond the superficial condemnation I place upon myself and into the minds of those who love me, not for how I look but for who I am.

And this journey with BDD makes me stronger, more capable of love beyond my wildest dreams, more capable to hurt, more capable to accept joy and more understanding of the precious nature of time.

I can feel my cure, burning hot inside my heart, just waiting to release me, and pour this love into the world and back into those who have suffered this journey with me.

I love you all so much!

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder

The Genetics and Neuropsychology of BDD

January 18, 2016 By Stephen

Genetics of BDD

Recent research has shown that genetic factors are likely to play an important role in the etiology of BDD.

Eight percent of individuals with BDD have a family member with a lifetime diagnosis of BDD, which is four to eight times the prevalence in the general population.

BDD shares heredity with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), as family studies have shown that 7% of BDD patients were found to have a first-degree relative with OCD, and first-degree relatives of OCD probands have a six times higher lifetime prevalence of BDD than do relatives of controls.

Functional Imaging in BDD

Recently, the first functional imaging study to compare BDD patients to controls examined visual information processing of faces, with respect to spatial frequency.

Twelve BDD patients and twelve healthy controls underwent functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) while matching photographs of faces.

Some of the faces were digitally altered to remove the high or low spatial frequencies, which created images that contained configural or detail information, respectively.

BDD participants showed greater left hemisphere activity relative to controls for all face tasks, particularly in lateral aspects of the prefrontal cortex and the temporal lobe. They also activated dorsal anterior cingulate gyrus for the low spatial frequency (LSF) face task.

Controls, on the other hand, activated left-sided prefrontal cortex and dorsal anterior cingulate gyrus only for the high spatial frequency (HSF) face task.

Greater left-sided activity for LSF and normal faces suggests a predominance of detail encoding and analysis, a pattern evident in controls only for HSF faces. This suggests that BDD patients may process faces in a piecemeal manner, while healthy controls’ perception of faces may be more configural and holistic.

These laterality patterns in the BDD participants suggest a bias for local, or detail-oriented, processing of faces over global processing.

The results from these study suggest that BDD participants show fundamental differences from controls in visual processing, with different laterality of activation patterns in areas representing an extended visual processing network, and abnormal amygdala activation.

These abnormalities may be associated with BDD patients’ apparent perceptual distortions; they may focus in excruciating detail on specific facial features and lose the larger, overall context of the whole face.

As this experiment used others’ faces and not their own, it will be important for future studies to investigate the processing of their own faces as they may experience greater distortions and because of the possibility of the influence of emotional arousal.

Neuropsychology of BDD

Deficits in organizational strategies in BDD patients, who tended to use a strategy of focusing on details rather than recalling the overall organization and properties of visual stimuli or verbal information,

Other studies have shown that BDD patients exhibit selective processing of threat and distraction by emotional cues, similar to patients with anxiety disorders

These data demonstrate that BDD patients are vulnerable to distraction by emotional cues in general, and by words and situations related to their current concerns in particular.

These patterns of cognitive and emotional processing suggest that BDD may be related to anxiety disorders such as social phobia.

Filed Under: Makings of BDD

What is Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)?

November 3, 2015 By Stephen

Body dysmorphic disorder is characterized by preoccupation with ≥ 1 perceived defects in physical appearance that are not apparent or appear only slight to other people.

The preoccupation with appearance must cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, academic, or other aspects of functioning. And at some point, patients must repetitively and excessively perform ≥ 1 behaviors (eg, mirror checking, comparing their appearance with that of other people) in response to the preoccupation with appearance. Diagnosis is based on history. Treatment consists of drug therapy (specifically, SSRIs or clomipramine), psychotherapy (specifically, cognitive-behavioral therapy), or both.

Body dysmorphic disorder usually begins during adolescence and may be somewhat more common among women. At any given point in time, about 2% of people have the disorder.

Symptoms and Signs

Symptoms may develop gradually or abruptly. Although intensity may vary, the disorder is thought usually to be chronic unless patients are appropriately treated. Concerns commonly involve the face or head but may involve any body part or any number of parts and may change from one part to another over time. For example, patients may be concerned about thinning hair, acne, wrinkles, scars, vascular markings, color of their complexion, or excessive facial or body hair. Or they may focus on the shape or size of the nose, eyes, ears, mouth, breasts, buttocks, legs, or other body part. Men (and rarely women) may have a form of the disorder called muscle dysmorphia, which involves preoccupation with the idea that their body is not sufficiently lean and muscular. Patients may describe the disliked body parts as looking ugly, unattractive, deformed, hideous, or monstrous.

Patients usually spend many hours a day worrying about their perceived defects and often mistakenly believe that people take special note of or mock them because of these defects. Most check themselves often in mirrors, others avoid mirrors, and still others alternate between the 2 behaviors.

Other common compulsive behaviors include excessive grooming, skin picking (to remove or fix perceived skin defects), reassurance seeking (about the perceived defects), and clothes changing. Most try to camouflage their perceived defects—eg, by growing a beard to hide perceived scars or by wearing a hat to cover slightly thinning hair. Many undergo dermatologic, dental, surgical, or other cosmetic treatment to correct their perceived defects, but such treatment is usually unsuccessful and may intensify their preoccupation. Men with muscle dysmorphia may use androgen supplements, which can be dangerous.

Because people with body dysmorphic disorder feel self-conscious about their appearance, they may avoid going out in public. For most, social, occupational, academic, and other aspects of functioning are impaired—often substantially—because of their concerns about appearance. Some leave their homes only at night; others, not at all. Social isolation, depression, repeated hospitalization, and suicidal behavior are common.

The degree of insight varies, but it is usually poor or absent. That is, patients genuinely believe that the disliked body part probably (poor insight) or definitely (absent insight) looks abnormal, ugly, or unattractive.

Diagnosis Clinical criteria

Because many patients are too embarrassed and ashamed to reveal their symptoms, the disorder may go undiagnosed for years. It is distinguished from normal concerns about appearance because the preoccupations are time-consuming and cause significant distress, impairment in functioning, or both.

Diagnosis is based on history. If the only concern is body shape and weight, an eating disorder may be the more accurate diagnosis (see Anorexia Nervosa); if the only concern is the appearance of sex characteristics, a diagnosis of gender dysphoria may be considered (see Gender Identity Disorder and Transsexualism).

Criteria include the following:

  • Preoccupation with one or more perceived defects in appearance that are not observable or appear slight to others
  • Performance of repetitive behaviors (eg, mirror checking, excessive grooming) in response to the appearance concerns
  • The preoccupation causes significant distress or impairs social, occupational or other areas of functioning

Treatment

SSRIs and clomipramine

Cognitive-behavioral therapy

Certain antidepressants, including SSRIs (see Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)) and clomipramine (a tricyclic antidepressant with potent serotonergic effects), are often very effective. Patients often require higher doses than are typically needed for depression and most anxiety disorders.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy that is tailored to the specific symptoms of body dysmorphic disorder is currently the psychotherapy of choice. Cognitive approaches and exposure and ritual prevention are essential elements of therapy. Clinicians have patients face situations they fear or avoid while refraining from performing their rituals. Because most patients have poor or absent insight, motivational interviewing is often needed to increase their willingness to participate and stay in treatment.

Many experts believe that combining exposure and ritual prevention with drug therapy is best for severe cases.

Source: The Merck Manual

Filed Under: Diagnosis of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

One Day at a Time

October 14, 2015 By Stephen

Today begins a new day, I have said it 1,000 times.

Today I feel great, tomorrow better, the following day like shit again. Kind of an endless cycle. It has been well over three years and not a day goes by where I don’t ponder my existence living with a scarred face.

Get on with it for God’s sake I tell myself.  Life hasn’t changed a bit, the only thing that has changed was my perception of me in it.

Its quality somehow diminished by this eternal, atrophic flaw.

Oh how it defines me.

This weekend in church I felt something I haven’t in awhile, close to God. It was nice, not sitting there desperate for some type of answer or solution to my menial little problem. Give onto others, let my love and gifts shine onto others, and then the world, and I, will be a better person in it.

Be the vehicle for Gods love, instead of waiting for all the answers.

It seemed so clear and perfect for a bit, then came tomorrow.

Today, was a good day, there are big developments on the horizon and I have made some new connections.  Connections, despite the way my face feels and the way I hate existing in it.

Keep moving on, smile, bring it, share gratitude and grace… I can get through this. One day at a time.

Filed Under: Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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