BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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My BDD – The Journey Begins Just as it Seems to End

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I have been missing out on a lot lately… because of my fears that revolve around my body image.

I have missed opportunities, or more often than not enjoyed them less than I feel I could have.

This is a shame, and this is an example of how I continue to let these body image concerns hamper my life experience.

Knowing Better

I know better than to let these extrinsic concerns dictate my happiness. But as you my reader may know this is easier said than done.

Last night I attended an event that I had been looking forward to for a while, I chose not to meet the speaker at the end.  Not because I didn’t want to but because at that moment I felt hideous.

And that just sucks. It sucks because we only live once and I know better. Yet I still sat in the background feeling sad, disgusting and gross to look at.

I can’t stop this feeling

I skipped my counseling appointment a month ago because I swore that I had overcome these thoughts. Yeah right.

As you probably know these thoughts linger, they disappear (kind of) and then they come back when you least expect it.

I have had years where I felt pretty darn good about myself. Where I woke up, took a deep breath and thought you know what Steve, you are a good-looking dude.

And my days were better because of this. But these extrinsic things continue to hold me back… There seems there will be no end.

Moving Forward

We are headed away this weekend on a family trip.  It is easy now being with family because I know they don’t care.

But I continue to act different outside of this close nit safe circle.  I am afraid to move too far outside of it.

Sometimes my fears are justified… A coworker who keeps commenting on my scar.  And then for some reason decided to point out other flaws on my face.

Patients who keep asking me “what happened to your face?”  Maybe most people would be horrified in these circumstances, but with my BDD it is noteworthy and at times leads me to contemplate suicide.

How stupid!

Baby Steps

This weekend I will:

  1. Not hide my face!
  2. Do What I Want to Do – not let my body image concerns dicated my life.
  3. Try not to hide in better light
  4. Try to face my fear of getting another haircut. These top down lights throw a horrible shadow on my scar, which can ruin my day. I need to develop some tools around this.

 

Books Worth Reading

Shattered Image: My Triumph Over Body Dysmorphic Disorder

This is a wonderful book written by Brian Cuban – The brother of famed billionaire and tech mogul Mark Cuban from The Shark Tank. It is great to finally hear a man’s voice in this space. The book is honest, timely, and gives practical advice that we can all use to overcome BDD. The book is also available in the Kindle Lending library which is how I found it. This is a must-read.
The Broken Mirror: Understanding and Treating Body Dysmorphic Disorder

A fantastic, concise, and essential book to understand the diagnosis and treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It is a fairly short and easy read, that is full of top-notch information! Material is complete and presented in an organized and useful way. The understanding enabled for both client and therapist is one of the main traits of this book. And the author is obviously committed to the betterment/healing of her clients.
Feeling Good about the Way You Look A Program for Overcoming Body Image Problems

This is a wonderful book!  Written by the Director of the MGH OCD and Related Disorders Program, and Founder of the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Clinic, this book offers individuals suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder with critical tools to understand BDD and to bring their disorder under control. The step by step approach detailed in the book is exactly what is needed for patients and clinicians alike. I have enthusiastically been recommending it to all of my clients who have BDD, and to colleagues interested in learning more about it. This book offers new hope to the millions of people worldwide who live with this troubling, but treatable disorder.
The BDD Workbook: Overcome Body Dysmorphic Disorder and End Body Image Obsessions

This workbook really delves into the thought processes of a person who suffers from this exhausting illness. The worksheets and exercises really cause you to challenge the beliefs which have been ingrained in your memory for decades. I would highly recommend this workbook for anyone who is self-directed and able to work through the exercises on their own.

About Stephen

My name is Stephen and I was officially diagnosed with BDD in October of 2012. I have lived with it my whole life. This blog is my story, my shame, and my path to recovery. It starts on Day 1 of my new life. To live, and love myself, to teach others how to do the same, and learn more about what it means to live with body dysmorphic disorder. Here are some resources that I use...