BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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Mirror Checking, Hiding and Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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I can’t seem to stop myself, last night I woke up at 3 am and turned on the bathroom light.

This is an activity assured to bring great distress.

But I did it anyway even thought I knew deep down I shouldn’t have.

There it was, the scar. It looked horrible at this time of night. With the hard overhead light it further revealed all the details, and I picked up on each of them.

Yesterday at work a colleague (a surgeon) couldn’t help himself from commenting on my new scar.

I don’t blame him. I think doctors are just this way, especially surgeons.

Many of us in the health care field are perfectionists.

And when my colleagues comment on my scar it is not because they want to hurt me, but their super-analysis always does.

Last night was no different. I was doing fine before his comments and analysis. Afterwards all I could do was eye the cars in the other lane on my drive home.  With a blank stare, I felt rather hopeless.

The Power of Talk

Thank God I have my wife, who was there to listen to me debrief upon returning home.

I can’t imagine not having her there, and if I didn’t have somebody to talk to about this I don’t know where I would be.

But expressing my concerns to her makes me feel like a million bucks (OK not a million but at least better).

Even after last nights 3 am mirror check and that sinking feeling of hopelessness that followed, this morning when I awoke, I felt much more positive.

When You Can’t Hide

All I really want to do is hide for a couple weeks and see if my scar will get better, lose some color and I can devise a plan to deal with it. In reality I just want laser surgery, which may or may not be a good idea, but I have to wait at least a year. For me and my BDD this seems an eternity.  I am trying to devise a plan to make it through this year.

I have to be a good dad and husband, and I have to be there for my patient’s.

To top it off I am headed out tomorrow on a trip to Haiti to provide free health care.

Hard to believe this is what I am thinking about as I near my trip, the way people will look at my face.  Meeting the team and a good friend I have not seen for 7 years, with this scar and my face petrifies me.

But I can’t hide, I just can’t although really this is what I want the most.

Books Worth Reading

Shattered Image: My Triumph Over Body Dysmorphic Disorder

This is a wonderful book written by Brian Cuban – The brother of famed billionaire and tech mogul Mark Cuban from The Shark Tank. It is great to finally hear a man’s voice in this space. The book is honest, timely, and gives practical advice that we can all use to overcome BDD. The book is also available in the Kindle Lending library which is how I found it. This is a must-read.
The Broken Mirror: Understanding and Treating Body Dysmorphic Disorder

A fantastic, concise, and essential book to understand the diagnosis and treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It is a fairly short and easy read, that is full of top-notch information! Material is complete and presented in an organized and useful way. The understanding enabled for both client and therapist is one of the main traits of this book. And the author is obviously committed to the betterment/healing of her clients.
Feeling Good about the Way You Look A Program for Overcoming Body Image Problems

This is a wonderful book!  Written by the Director of the MGH OCD and Related Disorders Program, and Founder of the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Clinic, this book offers individuals suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder with critical tools to understand BDD and to bring their disorder under control. The step by step approach detailed in the book is exactly what is needed for patients and clinicians alike. I have enthusiastically been recommending it to all of my clients who have BDD, and to colleagues interested in learning more about it. This book offers new hope to the millions of people worldwide who live with this troubling, but treatable disorder.
The BDD Workbook: Overcome Body Dysmorphic Disorder and End Body Image Obsessions

This workbook really delves into the thought processes of a person who suffers from this exhausting illness. The worksheets and exercises really cause you to challenge the beliefs which have been ingrained in your memory for decades. I would highly recommend this workbook for anyone who is self-directed and able to work through the exercises on their own.

About Stephen

My name is Stephen and I was officially diagnosed with BDD in October of 2012. I have lived with it my whole life. This blog is my story, my shame, and my path to recovery. It starts on Day 1 of my new life. To live, and love myself, to teach others how to do the same, and learn more about what it means to live with body dysmorphic disorder. Here are some resources that I use...