18 months ago after I sustained my first facial laceration my wife tried to help by purchasing a product called “foundation”. I think I am spelling that right?
Her intentions were good, but unfortunately the idea of covering my inch long cheek scar with a female skin care product horrified me quiet possibly more than the scar itself.
So I threw it in a drawer and forgot about it.
Then I had the skin biopsy of my nose 3 weeks ago to check for cancer. A disaster of new epic proportions which has left a dime size dark red hyper-pigmented lesion on the bridge of my nose.
I spent the first two weeks in denial as I was able to cover it up with a band-aid. This was very reminiscent of my first facial laceration a year ago.
But there comes a time where you have to pull off the band aid.
As a BDD’er this is traumatic. Because revealing to the world this facial “flaw” is absolutely devastating.
I am not sure why it is so devastating for me. I am not sure if this is a side effect of my perfectionism or what exactly it is about revealing these facial lesions that petrifies me so much.
I took the band aid off and tried to make it through a Sunday. I couldn’t, and found myself on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Because I had taken a week off work already, I had to go back the next day.
Honestly, I was considering putting in my resignation letter or faking some type of emergency but I couldn’t. This redness will take months to resolve. And it may even need a course of laser therapy to reduce the scarring.
I was pissed at the Physician Assistant who did the skin biopsy because he didn’t really tell me what he was doing and he didn’t mention anything about scarring. I felt duped, angry and wishing to go back in time. I still do.
But what I did next helped.
I remembered that makeup my wife had bought a year ago and wondered if it could cover this flatter, discolored scar on my nose.
So I went to the bathroom found and opened the jar, dabbed it on the tip of my nose and “wala”… It was so much better!
I have spent the last three days at work with makeup on my nose, a horrifying thought for a man like myself, I had night sweats thinking about somebody discovering this but it doesn’t really matter because believe it or not this got me through the week.
I won’t lie and say I wasn’t thinking about it constantly. Since I work in family practice medicine I am up close with patients all day and I really feared that one of them would see the makeup and make a comment, but it didn’t happen.
I worried that my coworkers would spot it and laugh at me. But this did not happen. I worried that I would accidentally wipe it off and make a complete fool out of myself and it didn’t happen.
I made it through the week and I am proud (or maybe not I don’t know) that I did it wearing manly makeup.
I am hoping that I will be able to laugh about this someday as I look back on it. But I think the key thing here is that you just have to do whatever it takes to make it through the day.
I had to swallow a lot of my pride when I put foundation on my nose. I am going out tonight to a bar with some friends and I am going to swallow my pride again as I dabble this on my nose and try to keep the beer glass rim from affecting my cover up. I can’t believe I just said that…. That is very not manly
But I am going to go out damn it, and I am not going to let this red mark or any other perceived deformity ruin my life any longer. Or at least to the degree that it has thus far.
I haven’t talked about it on the blog but our family is headed out on a round the world trip in just 3 months. This scar seemed poorly timed.
No matter how hard I have tried to see the good in it it has been difficult. I have prayed a lot on it, and I am not sure I really believe in prayer btw but I prayed anyway and I have found some answers if there are to be any.
One thing I have noticed is that with the new scar on my nose it has taken mental attention away from the scar on my cheek. There has been a certain amount of freedom with this… This has come as a total surprise.
The other thing I learned is that this thing called foundation is a pretty powerful tool and I am sure that this is what all the screen actors and professional models use. So when I compare myself to the world of the bold and the beautiful I am realizing that they probably also have facial flaws that they are hiding, and they aren’t as perfect as I have always figured them to be.
So there you have it, here is a story about a man wearing makeup and I am telling it because if you are a man with BDD and there is an area that is keeping you from living try some makeup it might help.
Is it a good long term solution? I don’t know maybe it is just worsening my BDD. But either way for now it seems to be helping and at least I am getting out of the house.
I am going to end with a daily gratitude:
1. I am grateful for my wife and children who shower me with their epic love and support despite my flaws.
2. I am so grateful for my best friend who I opened up to about my BDD last week. His support is proof positive that none of this bull shit self hate crap will stop the world from being full of wonderful people who don’t see you for your looks but see use for who we are inside… All beautiful people.
3. I am grateful for cover girl or whatever brand of makeup this stuff is… My God does it work well and it saved my last week and quite possibly my job. I will have to write the company a nice letter, and let them know that all that animal testing they do may actually do some good in this world.
4. And once again if you are reading this I am thankful for you. Know that you are loved for who you are, I see you, I know your there and quite possibly hurting and I want you to know that you are not alone. Also, that whatever pain or despair you may carry deep inside it will get better. BDD does not own your time, do not let it take your life… together we do have the power to overcome BDD!
– Stephen
his is a wonderful book! Written by the Director of the MGH OCD and Related Disorders Program, and Founder of the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Clinic, this book offers individuals suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder with critical tools to understand BDD and to bring their disorder under control. The step by step approach detailed in the book is exactly what is needed for patients and clinicians alike. I have enthusiastically been recommending it to all of my clients who have BDD, and to colleagues interested in learning more about it. This book offers new hope to the millions of people worldwide who live with this troubling, but treatable disorder.
Hi there .
I just need to say that I am so happy to have found your blog.
When I was a child at 6 years old I was attacked and bitten on my face by my dog. I have a scar underneath my eye and by my nose as a result of the attack. 7 years later the same dog attacked me and bit my cheek resulting in a disfiguring scar. I hold resentment towards the person who decided it was a good idea to keep the dog alive after the first attack as I feel betrayed thar they chose the animal over Me…. but that is a whole different issue.
I have resonated so much with you and how you feel about your scar.
I am so happy you have posted some books that cover body dismorphic disorder … especially now since after all these years … I finally realize that is is what I have as a mental disorder.
Thank you very much
Thank you Steve, thank you for sharing your story with me and your honesty about how your scar has affected your life. I understand the resentment you have towards the owners of the dog, it seem similar to the resentment I hold toward the PA who sutured my facial laceration and he provider who later performed the shave biopsy on my nose. I struggle to this day and have been unable to let go. Some days are better than others of course. You will have to give me an update after you read the books, I will be interested to know how/if they make a difference in how you feel about your scars.
– Stephen