BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

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Daily Gratitude – NOT!

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Today I am having a hard time finding anything to be grateful for. It was a hard day. 

I received the biopsy results from the curious lesion growing on my nose yesterday, and they were negative. For this I suppose I should be grateful… and I am. But now I have to figure out how I am going to deal with this unsightly dime size red scar on the front of my nose. 

I am wearing a band-aid this week to cover it up, one of my patients (not their fault she is only 7) pointed at my nose and started laughing. I couldn’t help but think about what they will say when I take the band-aid off. 

So with that image I am going to go to bed tonight. The image of a small child pointing at my face and laughing. It has shame written all over it, and it is inescapable it seems. 

I have wondered why after having to have last years scar this has happened to me. I always try to find a positive side to these types of things but this is beyond me, it makes me sick to my stomach. But hey it’s not cancer right… no big deal. 

Don’t know what I am going to do next week. Maybe some kind of manly cover up? I don’t even know if they make that kind of stuff. I want to punch the PA in the face who decided to take such a big cut out of my nose in the first place. And I blame myself believe it or not for letting him do it, I blame myself for going to the dermatologist to have them check it out. 

Back to the shame thing again, back to just hating all over myself, so sick and disgusted with myself. Fuck!

It’s like a roller coaster, one day I am fine and the next day I want to crawl in a big hole. 

Today I am thankful I don’t have cancer. 

I am also thankful for…. Fuck it I will try this again tomorrow…. Gratitude is useless when I feel like this. 

Well, let me take that back if anyone out there is reading this I am grateful for you! I truly mean that, I love you and I hope you know that you are worthy of love and goodness in your life and that you are perfect the way you are and if you have BDD, I am so sorry but we can get through this I know it. There has to be a better way. 

There, that’s a better way to end this. 

Books Worth Reading

Shattered Image: My Triumph Over Body Dysmorphic Disorder

This is a wonderful book written by Brian Cuban – The brother of famed billionaire and tech mogul Mark Cuban from The Shark Tank. It is great to finally hear a man’s voice in this space. The book is honest, timely, and gives practical advice that we can all use to overcome BDD. The book is also available in the Kindle Lending library which is how I found it. This is a must-read.
The Broken Mirror: Understanding and Treating Body Dysmorphic Disorder

A fantastic, concise, and essential book to understand the diagnosis and treatment of Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It is a fairly short and easy read, that is full of top-notch information! Material is complete and presented in an organized and useful way. The understanding enabled for both client and therapist is one of the main traits of this book. And the author is obviously committed to the betterment/healing of her clients.
Feeling Good about the Way You Look A Program for Overcoming Body Image Problems

This is a wonderful book!  Written by the Director of the MGH OCD and Related Disorders Program, and Founder of the Body Dysmorphic Disorder Clinic, this book offers individuals suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder with critical tools to understand BDD and to bring their disorder under control. The step by step approach detailed in the book is exactly what is needed for patients and clinicians alike. I have enthusiastically been recommending it to all of my clients who have BDD, and to colleagues interested in learning more about it. This book offers new hope to the millions of people worldwide who live with this troubling, but treatable disorder.
The BDD Workbook: Overcome Body Dysmorphic Disorder and End Body Image Obsessions

This workbook really delves into the thought processes of a person who suffers from this exhausting illness. The worksheets and exercises really cause you to challenge the beliefs which have been ingrained in your memory for decades. I would highly recommend this workbook for anyone who is self-directed and able to work through the exercises on their own.

About Stephen

My name is Stephen and I was officially diagnosed with BDD in October of 2012. I have lived with it my whole life. This blog is my story, my shame, and my path to recovery. It starts on Day 1 of my new life. To live, and love myself, to teach others how to do the same, and learn more about what it means to live with body dysmorphic disorder. Here are some resources that I use...