Voices of BDD – If Only

I have  Body dysmorphic disorder

There has always been something wrong with my face.

There was a time when I’d be able to sit in front of a mirror for hours on end and make note of every imperfection I could find.

• My nose was too big.
• My eyes were too small.
• I’d look at magazines and think, “I want to be like this. I want to be tall and skinny and white.”
• “I want to be beautiful.”

Every night before I went to bed, I’d pray to God or whatever entity out there to please, please make me pretty.

I AM OBSESSED

I have literally found myself wishing there would be a SARS outbreak in my city just so face masks would be necessary.

I am not formally diagnosed with BDD, but I know this is what I have.

The reason why I’m reluctant to talk to any professionals with experience on the matter is because I know they will keep me from saving myself.

They’ll take away the possibility of surgery.

For the past five years, I have been infatuated with aesthetic surgery and, as sad as this may sound, still perceive it as a form, or rather, my form of salvation.

I am self-conscious to the extent of covering my face with a post-it during a webcam session.

In person, my attempts to hide my “mug” aren’t as effective, but they still manage to be noticeable. And even with that said, I really, really am trying to be inconspicuous. I really am trying to stop.

I honestly don’t understand why I’m like this, but I do know that it’s not for the validation of other people.

I can give a flying **** about compliments. Sure, they may make me feel a bit better for the time being, but they ultimately won’t change a thing. I do realize that I’m not insanely hideous, I just… can’t help it. It’s weird.

A SILLY STORY

When I was little, maybe five or so, I was peering in the mirror when I noticed that my lips were huge.

This irked me so much that I proceeded to grab a pair of scissors and cut small pieces of it off until I was satisfied. There was no pain, just this numbness and a feeling of contentment.

An hour later, it hurt, BAD!

Now, why do I hide these “huge” lips?

First thing’s first: The bane of my existence is my lack of self-esteem. The cause of that, contrary to popular belief, isn’t my lips. The cause is, in fact, my nose. I am so deluded that I blame and associate some of my mistakes to my nose, and sometimes, I veritably believe it.

They say the first step is recognizing the problem, right?

It’s a shame I haven’t looked much into the whole procedure.

Anyway, suck in your lips for a moment. If you look in the mirror while doing this, you can see that it slightly alters the shape of your nose. This is why I do it. Because I’m convinced my nose looks a bit better with my lips sucked in.

ON REFLECTION – I AM CRAZY

The first thing I am going to do once I get out of high school is to go to Korea or Japan for a nose job. Then, maybe these stupid psychological issues won’t deter me from living life to its full extent. This, I genuinely believe, and I am more than willing to take a risk to ensure it.

You’re probably wondering what will I do if surgery doesn’t work out.

And to be honest, I don’t know either. I try not to dwell on it as an attempt to preserve all the optimism I currently have left.

– If Only