Archives for March 2015

The light above is a bright halogen light, like a vampire, I am afraid to let it touch my skin, petrified by what it will reveal.

I stare down at my feet trying not to make eye contact with the woman across from me.

I want to say hi and ask her about her day, but I am embarrassed to let her see my face.

Counting the numbers, 1, 2, 3, 23 seems like such a long way away.

Finally, the elevator ends and I exit.

The anxiety is gone, at least for now, until I have to go back down the shaft.

The 3 wall panel mirrors, the reflective metal, the overhead light. It is like a BDD box, the worst of them… Oh how I wish I could just take the stairs.

Sometimes things happen in life that make no sense whatsoever. 

Or they are so ironic that they are unexplainable by natural phenomena. 

8 days ago, while traveling through Hoi An Vietnam my wife was hit unexpectedly by a moped. 

She was knocked unconscious and later airlifted out of Vietnam to Bangkok Bumrungrad Hospital where I write this post. 

The events leading up to her eventual transfer were nightmarish and something I would never wish upon anyone. 

She sustained 8 facial fractures that required special repair by two plastic surgeons and several titanium plates. 

The reason we left for this around the world trip was because of my state of mind prior to the trip. 

My state of mind was the result of an injury and a facial laceration that left a 1.5 inch atrophic scar on my left cheek. 

My BDD drove me into a deep depression and eventually I found myself going mad, this trip was an escape, and besides that it has provided the soulful nourishment to lift me out of my depression and open my eyes once again to the beauty of the world. We were growing stronger and more resilient as a family. 

Now, the fears of facial scars and public ridicule that started this trip are coming full circle. As my wife lay in her hospital bed awaiting surgery I can’t help but wonder if there is a reason for this. How could our trip be created and ended by similar yet very different circumstances?

Is there a lesson here? 

My wife has been stoic, she is 2 days post-op, swollen and in a bit of pain. Yet she is recovering quite well. We are grateful she is a alive and well. When I see her I will always see perfection, there is nothing that can steal her beauty inside and out. Yet, my BDD is still here, having retracted but only a little. 

We are going to continue, a week more in Bangkok and we will pick up where we left off. How will this experience change the way I see myself?  This remains to be seen, but I have a feeling there is something percolating inside, a lesson to steal away from all this madness.