I look at my last post and only have a slight remembrance of all that pain, I can feel the place inside my chest and the holes inside my face where it resides. But today, I feel strong, and confident… well at least a little bit.
Tomorrow? who the hell knows.
The problem is, I still haven’t fixed the problem. All the depression and self-hate that conjures up feelings of hopelessness and helplessness live in a place not so deep inside me.
They come and go, along a continuum of life:
Some days good, some days bad, some days, somewhere in the middle.
Today is a good day, in fact the last month or so has been full of good days. We have been traveling through Thailand.
Part of the reason is that I have been keeping myself very busy. Thai kickboxing, rock climbing, my wife and I got our PADI advanced diving certifications in Koh Tao. I have also been burying myself in work, often late into the night when the family is in bed and the kids are sleeping.
I like it when I can walk out the door in the morning with a positive attitude and an optomistic outlook on life.
I still feel the crater scar on my nose, but the scar on my cheek, although omnipresent, is becoming less of a concern. Only when I look into my computer screen and see the deep crevice that it is do I feel anger and resentment. Otherwise I avoid it, I study the world around me, taking in the culture and the people, noticing the exterior beauty of all there is.
The road that has brought me here, to Thailand, 6 months removed from my life back home has been such an interesting one.
I was running away, but at least I was running “too” something.
If today is the result of fear, self hate and loathing then tomorrow could be anything. Last night, it was a beautiful sunset with my wife and kids on the rooftop veranda.
But, until I get the help I need, today and tomorrow will continue to have unpredictable outcomes, based on factors that are still largely out of my control.
Resting on an unattainable continuum, which draws me away from the things that matter most.
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