BDD SUCKS

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - My Story of Living With BDD

"It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see."
~ Henry David Thoreau

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This is the Story of My Life Living With Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Archives for May 2016

Overcoming BDD by Saying Screw it

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You really have two choices

  1. You can let life pass you by while you hide in shame in the shadows of your illness
  2. You say “screw it” and you live life anyway

The first option will bring you pain, sadness and endless misery

The second option will open up life in ways you could only imagine. But it is going to be painful. You are going to have to force yourself to do things you don’t want to do, you are going to feel uncomfortable the entire time, you are going to at times want to crawl back into the hole – because it feels safe in the hole.

The “safety” you feel in the hole isn’t safe at all – it is a waste of your time, your life, and the gift that BDD gives you.

What is the gift?

The gift is empathy, understanding of the human condition, love for human beings, a warmth that defines the essential nature of life. The essential nature of life being that we are indeed not defined by our outer appearance and that we as humans are most beautiful when we are our most vulnerable.

You know this to be true, but until you can tap into it, and use the BDD as your force to do good in the world, you will remain limited, restrained by the imaginary confines of the judgement, that you place on yourself. And it is you who has placed these limitations on yourself, no other person can do this to you.

As I overcome my BDD, I am thankful for the very nature of my illness. I can see it not as an illness but as a force for good in this world.

Because how many people feel shame?

Lots, let us no longer be forces for more shame, but the defining factor in the war against it.

Going to Counseling and Finding a Psychiatrist – It Ain’t Easy!

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Finding a Psychiatrist It Aint Easy

If you have ever read my rants and blog posts you may know that I have never made the step to go to counseling.

I had a lot of lame excuses:

  1. Not enough money
  2. Not enough time
  3. Not enough insurance
  4. Not enough confidence (this may have been the single biggest reason)

Like many others, I presume, the thought of indulging my deepest, darkest shame surrounding my BDD sounded just horrible.

But, after returning from our world trip last year (my greatest BDD escape ever) and landing new jobs, with shiny new insurance I decided maybe it was time to get the help I really needed.

This started with the dentist, seems like my teeth took precedence, then when my left molar no longer hurt, I felt ready to make the step into counseling – funny, but true.

Where to find counseling for BDD

Most of the things I avoid in life are because there is work involved, finding a counselor for my BDD was no different.

I started where most Americans do (if you are lucky enough to have health insurance) at the back of my insurance card.

On the card was the website where I could begin my search for covered providers in my network.

Because I am an anthem Blue Cross member I was taken directly to this search portal

Finding a Psychiatrist step 1 search

I registered my member ID number, created a user account and login and in a matter of 5 minutes was ready to go.

Once logged in, you will have a search portal to find member providers. Finding a comprehensive list of providers is easy:

Choosing from the list of providers, isn’t so straightforward.

Making a decision

There are so many providers that it can be overwhelming. Unless you are going off a recommendation from a friend or colleague where do you begin?

To overcome this barrier I decided to go “old-school” and actually picked up the phone.

I simply called the office of two providers that were in network and discussed the process of finding a psychiatrist that would treat my condition.

They explained my copay ($10 not bad at all) my service offerings (unlimited appointments) and that I would need a referral from a primary care provider in their network.

Laying it all out there

I didn’t want to have to explain myself to a primary care doctor, but I decided it was time to make an appointment and face my fears.

To make matters worse, I am a healthcare provider myself in the area, so I knew I would have to expose myself to the community in which I am a professional.

I called, scheduled my primary care appointment and showed up.

I had a basic health screen, explained my desire to see a behavioral health therapist, explained why I wanted to see a behavioral health specialist and that was that.

Three days later, the behavioral health facility contacted me, based on the referral from my primary care provider and scheduled my appointment in 2 weeks time to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner.

Almost there

Three years ago when I was in the deepest, darkest places of my BDD I would never have been able to make it this far. In fact, it is one reason I never did see a psychiatrist at the time.

I suffered through the suicidal ideations, all the self hate, the agoraphobia, the mirror checking the obsessions and the nightmare of BDD internally and mostly alone.

Now, that I have done this, I am wondering why I didn’t make the appointments sooner. But I know why – when you are sad, ashamed, afraid of your own shadow it is hard to even make it out of the house, not to mention to go through the process of exposing all your dirty laundry.

It has taken me two months still, to get into to see a mental health professional. That is actually shameful – but it is the state of healthcare in the US in 2016.

I will give you and update in 2 weeks after I see the NP and let you know how it goes.

If you have any questions about how to find a healthcare professional in your area drop me a line and I will be happy to help.

Here are two therapist directories to begin your search:

  1. Psychology Today