It rained like cats and dogs today, making my way through the last 3k of my hike through the Malaysian Rainforest I am afraid I fell victim to daydreaming.
It feels so good to be sipping a cup of 3/1 and enjoying the view perched up here above the valley. It feels good to be back to where I began.
It’s been 261 days since we left our home to head into the world for our year-long family gap year.
We left our house, our cars, our cat, our stuff and escaped. My only fear now is that it is just about time to go back, home.
Obtaining Distance
There are a lot of ways to get therapy for BDD. I have always found my therapy through travel, in obtaining distance from societies perfectionist tendencies. Getting back to what is important, what is “real”. For me, this is getting away from the mirror, and back into the “real world”.
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” – Henry David Thoreau
Yes, I went into the woods because I was afraid that when I came to die, I would discover I had not lived.
Trust me when I say you do not have to travel to the Malaysian Rainforest to live life, but sometimes if you are on a certain path, and you fear you won’t make it back alive, it helps to find another one. For me, over the past few weeks, especially since my wife had her bike injury it is in the forest that I am gaining insights that have led me through the woods.
Shattered Image
I am reading a book called Shattered Image “My Triumph Over Body Dysmorphic Disorder” by Brian Cuban. It caught my attention because I am a big fan of Mark Cuban’s show The Shark Tank and the book was available on Amazon Unlimited.
Mark has always seemed like a guy who has his shit together, reading Brains story has been motivating. It is wonderfully refreshing to hear the story of another male BDD sufferer, this may be the first book of its kind. Even better that it comes from a famous family.
Brian was bullied in school, he developed an eating disorder then went on to abuse drugs and anabolic steroids. He started to work out and run compulsively. I am 65% through the book and it feels good to know I am not alone.
I never abused steroids, drugs or alcohol (I smoked cigarettes for a year in college), I took up light body building and running but unlike Brian it never became an obsession. I feel blessed in this sense. I have hated on myself, I have let BDD control the way I act and react to the world around me. I have let it affect my social life, it has placed me on the edge of suicide. But I have never used other means or substances. According to the statistics many BDD sufferers do.
I have wondered often if this trip was a form of escapism, I mean who the hell quits their job and takes off for a year at the age of 37 and drags their wife and 2 kids with them?
I considered it a brave and bold move, in fact, it has been something I have been dreaming of since I was in college. But was I running scared or running free?
Running Free
Today tramping through the Malaysian Rainforest I felt free! We hiked as a family for the first 3K and I hiked alone back up the mountain. The river was to my side, the rain was gentle through the trees.
If I think back to where I was 261 days ago I could hardly leave my house without fear, today much of my fear and anxiety is gone. I occasionally face the mirror, it is still hard on me. But that is because I am hard on myself.
I am a family practitioner, my patients have never caught on, I am figuring out what this is going to look like when I get back. Where to go now?
The last 45%
I will write more when I finish Shattered Image, I am curious to see how Brian makes it through the rainforest of his abuse and addiction. I will keep you updated as I make it through mine.